I know the world's a broken bone (but melt your headaches, call it home)

159 6 4
                                    

(see end for trigger warnings)

i.

The first time James thinks about kissing Julian is in the fall of 1949, and coincidentally, it's also the year he decides that whoever decided brown eyes were boring is so, so wrong.

Because it is late afternoon and Julian is curled around James's old guitar with his fingers on the strings, laughing at the worst joke James has ever told because Julian has a godawful sense of humor and the light hits the flecks of gold and green and copper in his eyes just right.

And James suddenly can't stop looking, can't help but notice that even though he'd thought that Julian had plain dark brown hair, it's got a dark auburn tinge to it, the slightest touch of red that's only visible in the right light.

And really, all of the states are pretty, are attractive in their own rights. James has spent his entire life around beautiful people. He shouldn't be so awestruck by Julian.

Yet here they are, Julian strumming the guitar, wrapped in sunlight, and James suddenly wants to press his mouth to that sunshine smile.

The moment passes and James is left wondering where that thought came from. 


ii.

Julian's thing about colors isn't a secret. He'd still been a territory when he'd told Cam that his voice was the same purple that's in a sunrise and learned that most people didn't think in colors.

He doesn't tell people often, mostly because he doesn't need to. His family knows, and even the states and territories that came later eventually figured it out when he inevitably called a voice blue or green, etc. Julian likes that other states know better than to harass him about the colors of things. (Technically, he tells his governers the day they officially take office and he sits down across from them and hand them his file, but he's pretty sure half of them don't read it. It takes months sometimes to convince them he's their state.)

It's not bad. He has perfect pitch because he can see the differences in keys and he hears better than most. It's just that sometimes things get overwhelming. Julian hasn't sat in on a congress meeting in years and he's flat out left a state of the union meeting before when the others started arguing.

He doesn't mind the meetings when they aren't arguing. He likes the colors of their voices, likes how they blend together during discussions.

They are arguing today, over the budget, and it's bad enough that they all have to hear it but Julian has to see it too-

Julian stands so fast that his chair almost tips over and he steadies it before he leaves, ignoring Marisol and Eli's looks of concern.

・・・・・・・・・・

James finds Julian in the stairwell, sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands. He sits down beside him, gently bumping his knee against Julian's.

"Are you okay?" He keeps his voice soft, just in case.

Julian lifts his head up. "Yeah. It was- it was just a lot." He leans against James, and James just wraps an arm around his shoulders.

"Sera's voice is cherry blossom pink." Julian says after a few beats. "You know how marble is? The pattern?"

"Marbling?"

"Yeah, well, it's like that. It's pink with all these cracks- marbling- and those are bronze, like statues are. When she gets mad the pink goes a little bronzy too."

You'll also like

          

James tries to picture it. "That sounds very pretty."

"It is."

James wonders what his own voice is like. He doesn't ask.


iii.

Julian doesn't really fall in love with James, it's just one day he looks over and oh.

It isn't too much of a big deal, except that it sort of is because Julian can't figure out whenever this- whatever this is- started.

It must have been gradual, because when he thinks back, he can't find a distinct starting point. Maybe they've been slipping down the slope between friends and lovers for so long that they've forgotten when they first started sliding down.


iv.

Julian likes James's voice- it's a calm relaxing shade of green, light but not quite a pastel, with flecks of soft gray scattered throughout it and amber bubbles like champagne fizz.

When he gets that first dose of antidepressants- too high of a dose, because the government doctors don't know the correct dosage for a personification- the amber and the gray disappears and the green fades and takes on a grayish tint, like a sweater that's been washed too many times.

Julian hates it, hates that James is sluggish and tired and still sad.

Austin slams a coffee mug down so hard it cracks. "If they won't fix the dosage, I will."


v.

"I like Julian," James tells Helena.

Helena opens her eyes and looks at him in interest. "Really?"

James tugs a bit of the blanket away from Helena. "Yeah."

After a few beats of silence, he starts to turn away so he can sleep on his side. Helena makes a sound not unlike an angry bird and pokes him mercilessly. "Oh, come on! You can't just say that and then roll over and go to sleep! Are you going to do something about it? Ask him out?"

James's stomach drops at the thought. "No."

There were still days when he couldn't force himself out of bed. There was the depression and the anti-depressants and everything that came with that. James was a mess.

And then there were the scars. They aren't something James is proud of.

Helena's the only one who's ever really seen his thighs and hips, the scars that were too straight and neat in their rows to be accidental or from battles. Helena has seen them when they were still pink and angry, has run her fingertips across them and seen them gradually fade to white lines against James's tan skin.

Helena understands why, even if she doesn't like it, even if she had been the driving force behind stopping it. Her and James and Nate were all built with the same sadness engraved into their bones. Out of the three of them, Helena's the only one who even comes close to handling it healthily. 

James has seen Helena at her worst, when there's nothing but dead-eyed looks and silence. She's seen him at his worst, too, self-destructive tendencies and bleeding knuckles.

So, yeah, Helena understands this too. "Jamie, we all have scars."

"Not like mine."

"Austin does."

James thinks of the scars that ran from Austin's wrists to mid-forearm, faded white with age. "Those were different circumstances." 

Helena scoffs, but doesn't say anything else. 

The StatesWhere stories live. Discover now