clouds /Ashton irwin/

4

Emerson

mom signed me up for therapy. what makes it even worse is that's the first thing she did when we moved here. She didn't look for a job. She didn't go out and buy new furniture. she didn't meet the neighbors.  she signed me up for fucking therapy. I don't know why she bothers anyway if she knows that I'm not going to talk. maybe she just did so that she can feel like she's doing a good job as a mother. I don't really care though, I wont object, it's just useless really. I guess she just wants to make herself feel better because her youngest daughter doesn't even bother with her anymore. It's sad really, that she thinks it'll make her feel better when in reality, I'll come home, she'll get a phone call from whoever the fuck my therapist is saying that her daughter is making shit progress and then, she'll feel even more like a let down. that's just simply not my fault.

that morning I woke up and got dressed. I put on my 'destroy yourself see who gives a fuck' tank top and my usual black skinny jeans with my gray vans. I looked in the mirror and cringed at the sight. my hair was a total mess and my stomach looked slightly bigger. damn you bag of chips. I knew it was a bad idea but jenna was pestering me and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't eat the whole thing, just a few chips, but to me, I looked bloated and pudgy.

that's what you get you fat bitch

I tried my best to ignore the voices and threw my ratty hair up in a bun. took one last look in the mirror and  once again was disappointed with my appearance. oh well. I don't care that much

liar

I covered my ears as if to block out the voices but they kept coming

no one likes you

stop eating fatty

why won't you talk to anyone? you scared little prick.

that tore it

I felt my breath become short segmented puffs and I started to hyperventilate. my eyes got clouded and I closed them tightly, screwing them shut.  I grabbed my ears and tugged at them hoping to give myself some sort of satisfaction, but nothing came. I just took a loud breath and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed, yelling at the demons in my head.

I fell to the ground, letting out blood curdling screams and felt the floor pound underneath me. I didn't look up to see who came seeing as I didn't care. All I care about in that moment was yelling at those god damned voices to get the hell out of my head. "em!" I heard jenna's voice behind my screaming and then a light touch on my shoulder from her small hand that I instantly flinched at. her hand faltered at my reaction but quickly, the other hand joining, grabbed my shoulders and shook my lightly. I didn't open my eyes but jenna wrapped her arms around my figure and I had stopped screaming. Jenna was rubbing my back as we sat in silence. I opened my eyes and saw my mom and dad standing together in my door frame, holding hands, looking at me with worried and disappointed faces. they saw me look at them and my dad retreated downstairs but mom proceeded to look at me with utter shame.  at first some of it was sympathy and worry, not that I wanted that, but now, it was all disappointment.

"come on Emerson, we have to make it to your first therapy session"  uhm what? "jenna dear get off her we have to go. We can't be late" I looked at her with annoyance and confusion etched on my face, matching jenna's except hers was more of an angry approach. "mom!" she burst and I was shocked that she spoke to mom like that. usually she obeys mom and dad and is quiet, never interfering they're suggestions or commands. mom took a step back, being the dramatic person she his, holding a hand to her chest.  she was silent. jenna spoke again "mom your daughter just had a breakdown and you won't do so much as comfort her?!" she yelled, anger red within her face. mom just scowled and ripped jennas weak arms off me, making me feel bare and empty once again. "get in the car Emerson" she deadpanned and I stood slowly, walking to the door with my head hung as both my mother and my sister watched me exit. I got to my door frame, turned around, look mom dead in the eye, and raised my hand to reveal my middle finger sticking straight up towards my mom. at first she was taken back at my rude gesture but then she rolled her eyes and pointed down the stairs.