{Twenty} He is relieved.

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"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

- Robert A. Heinlein.

*****

Dec lies awake for hours, tossing and turning, thinking and panicking and he is so sick of this all. This whole shit situation is doing his head in.

He wants Ant, with all his heart. Of course he wants that, Ant is the most gorgeous person he ever met. And he is in love with him for as long as he can remember.

But at the same time he doesn't want to break Ant and Lisa apart, he doesn't want to be the reason Ant is leaving her and it would never ever come to his mind to ask that of Ant either. Damn, this is all a mess.

It's just that now that Ant has told him all that and has even fucking kissed him, there is suddenly this possibility of all his dreams and desires coming true and there is nothing in this world that Dec would want more than to be with this gorgeous man. But he knows it wouldn't be right, it just wouldn't be right to destroy everything.

And so Dec is determined to let it all go again, it doesn't make any sense. Despite everything that has happened, hell, even Ant kissing him and reassuring him that it would be fine... Yes, despite all that, Dec knows he has to let go, finally. Because this is all he ever wanted yes, but this is also everything he didn't want.

Everything is changing and he doesn't like it, he can't bear it, it's too much, too complicated, too easy and too hard at the same time.

And that's why, after a pretty much sleepless night that's exactly what he thinks, that's the fucking solution and he will fucking stick to it. If he never followed any resolution in his life, but this one he will, he is absolutely determined.

Well.

That is until he opens his front door to get his mail and he more or less stumbles over Ant who falls towards him when the support for his body is suddenly gone by the door opening.

"Whoa, you gave me a fright" Dec exclaims while Ant tries to maintain his balance.

Only then does Dec realise that Ant is looking like death himself, his lips are almost of a blueish colour and his whole body is shaking and he looks at Dec but also kind of looks right through him and he can only imagine how Ant spent the previous night.

Dec gasps. "Jesus, did you spend the night on my doorstep?"

Ant only sighs and shrugs his shoulders, he has no energy left.

"Come on, up you get" Dec says and tries his best in lifting Ant off the floor and guiding him inside.

Damn, Dec thinks about all this stuff he has thought about all night and damn, it all doesn't matter now. All those negative thoughts are gone in an instant and all he wants is to care for Ant, his Ant.

Fuck, he looks so broken and lost and Dec suddenly feels incredibly guilty for throwing him out yesterday. After all, he could have just let him sleep in the spare room or something.

And it all dawns on him, he can never let this go. He can never stop loving Ant, he can never stop caring for him, he can never let him down. He is really stuck with him forever, and if he is honest to himself he can't even imagine it any differently.

He carefully sits Ant down on the sofa and wraps a blanket around his shivering best friend before he runs into the bathroom and puts the taps on to run Ant a hot bath. While that is filling up, he runs into the kitchen to get Ant a mug of hot tea and reappears in the living room in speed of light to hand Ant the mug.

          

And that's when he gets really concerned. Because Ant takes it and sips on it, but he doesn't react to Dec, he doesn't react to him telling him that the bath is almost ready, he doesn't look at him and he just stares ahead.

Dec is really concerned, because Ant is never like this, he knows he himself can be like this, but not Ant, never his Ant. Fuck, he realises once again how absolutely shit Ant must feel and how incredibly selfish he was yesterday. Damn, that's Ant, his Ant, hurting right in front of his eyes. And he has let him down.

"God, I'm so sorry for yesterday Ant, I... I shouldn't have snapped, I'm sorry" Dec says sheepishly and it makes Ants head turn around and look at him.

Dec tries to read Ant's mind by the look in his eyes but he can't and fuck, suddenly he is incredibly scared of losing Ant. Of Ant having enough of him and his stupid feelings, of Ant really blaming him for everything, of Ant walking out on him.

But Ant just nods weakly and Dec sighs. Fuck, he still doesn't know what Ant thinks but at least Ant stays and doesn't run off. But when Dec announces to him that the bath is ready, Ant just walks past him, not even looking at him, and locks himself up in the bathroom.

Damn, Dec feels so so guilty now. After all he knows how hard this all can be, and not only because he is in this situation himself, but because he remembers once again how it was for himself to come to terms with his feelings for other men. And Ant has a girlfriend on top. And Dec knows Ant loves her, he knows Ant and he has never seen him like he is with Lisa, he really adores her.

So this must all be so hard for Ant and he knows he didn't think of all that when he snapped at him yesterday. But damn, he has feelings as well and he can't always act responsibly, can he?

But he really feels bad for it now and he only hopes that this bath will help Ant and that he will fucking talk to him once he will be back. Because this is killing him, they were never like this before. Never.

Damn, Dec doesn't understand himself anymore. Why did he even do that? Why did he throw him out? The love of his life? For kissing him? For being honest with him? For wanting to find a solution by telling him what is going on? Fuck. He loves this guy.

"Ant?" Dec more or less shouts against the bathroom door, but he gets no reply.

"Okay, I know you can hear me so I'm going to say it anyways" Dec continues and takes a deep breath.

"I'm really sorry, okay? It's just... I thought..." he stammers and then he realises once again that maybe honesty is the best way here. "Okay, I tell you what I thought. I was mad, okay? But not at you, well okay maybe a little bit. But mainly at myself because I know it's all my fault. Everything that has happened is my bloody fault... I shouldn't have... well... done stuff.

"I should have acted responsibly, I know that and I am so sorry. And I promise you, I try to understand your situation more, okay? I know how hard it is, okay? I really do... And of course I know that Lisa is important for you and I understand that, gosh I do, it's kept me up all night. And I don't want to put pressure on you, that's actually the last thing I want, okay? I... I don't want us falling out. Please Ant, don't leave me, okay? I'm really sorry."

Ant is totally taken aback by this. He is finally slowly warming up a bit and his head is clearing up a bit as well. Also because of all that Dec has said.

Can this all be true? Dec blames himself? What kind of bullshit is that? But he hears Dec walking away again and he knows by the tone in his voice that he is trying hard not to break down right now.

Damn, if there is someone to blame it's he himself and definitely not Dec, Dec is the sweetest guy, he would never hurt someone on purpose and he can't help his feelings, Ant knows that, he has witnessed it first-hand. No, if there is someone to blame it's him and only him.

I mean...he wants to try to be with Dec? Well I don't know how fair that is...it's like trying two different types of detergents at the store and the choosing one of the two...it's not fair to Dec nor to Lisa, playing like that with the emotions of Dec if he ends up choosing Lisa and leaving Lisa like that by staying with Dec. I mean I get the situation and I personally wouldn't known how to handle it myself, I don't think I could do much better but sincerely I can still say that this is not the right way of handling it, I don't see really how this could make them all happy. It's just for Ant to decide whom to be with and I think it's a really harsh and childish way of doing it. And I think it's hypocrite of Ant to just say to both Dec and Lisa that it's all going to be fine...obviously someone is going to end heartbroken. I mean, it's obvious. Unless they all decide to engage in a polygamous relationship lol. But I hope that's not the case 'cause of course I hope for Ant and Dec to end up together even if I like the way Lisa is dealing with the situation, supporting Ant and all that. Either way I really enjoy your writing skills and even if I really don't support some of the decisions that the characters make I still think that they are well developed and realistic in many of their behaviors, in their very unique to wattpad ways of just being human and having strange ideas and outbursts just like anyone would. Just good job <3

Sorry for the long paragraph lol

3y ago

And Smithy28 I was just thinking the same, how Lisa can be so understanding? Even thought I know as well that you can't choose who you fall in love with and it doesn't do anything good to force someone to be with you and ONLY with you, I couldn't be like that, I would be so so so angry.....xdd
I know I won't like Ant if he hurts my Decky!! And I won't like him if he hurts Lisa. But he can't keep on messing with Lisa's and Declan's minds like that......

5y ago

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