Ready Set Breathe (A Steve Rogers Destruction Story)

19 Sorrys

As Steve considered opening up, considered talking, considered lifting his head above the waterline, Sharon came to check up on him and he decided to be honest with her.

They made small talk for some time and Steve felt distinctly bad about the entire situation because again and again and again, all he could think of was Peggy when she smiled at him or flirted.

She didn’t say anything about the fact that Steve had avoided saving himself. Maybe, Steve thought, she hadn’t realized that was what had happened.

“Sharon,” Steve said, and he was going now to be honest, going to open up. He had opened up to her once before, if in the slightest, and it had all been okay. So maybe this would be the same. “What are we doing?” Sharon looked at him and frowned.

“What do you mean?” She asked and Steve looked away and took in a breath.

“I mean…,” he said. “We’re dating.” Sharon’s mouth pulled up a teasing smile.

“Well,” she laughed. “Yes.”

“We can’t date,” Steve said and braced himself as Sharon’s face fell. She said nothing and looked at him, as if waiting for an explanation, and suddenly, he didn’t want to give one because suddenly, everything wasn’t okay anymore. “I,” Steve said slowly and frowned. “I, um, loved Peggy. I still do.” Sharon stared at him. “I can’t feel right about dating you or trying to love you because I just can’t do it right now. Okay?”

“Steve, that was years ago,” Sharon said.

“No, it,” Steve said. “It wasn’t. It wasn’t. It’s just that everything moved on without me, but I didn’t. I didn’t move anywhere, Sharon.” Steve didn’t know what to do, or what to say, and talking didn’t feel good, and he wasn’t sure what it was, but he felt a tension settle into the air then.

He didn’t want to hurt Sharon. And he’d tried so hard for her. He’d tried to love her. But he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know how to say that to her.

“I don’t know what to say,” Steve finally said, whispering in the thick silence and Sharon stared up at him. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are,” she replied quietly. “Because you ought to be.” Steve just looked at her, until she turned around and began to leave. “Goodbye, Steve,” Sharon added over her shoulder.

“Where are you going?” Steve said and Sharon made a face at him, standing in the hall now.

“I’m leaving,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said again and Sharon shrugged.

“Sorrys never made anything better, Rogers,” she said.

“It’s all I have to give you,” he replied desperately and her eyes met his then and he saw Peggy, but sharper, but angier, but bitter.

“That,” she said quietly and cocked her head at him, staring into his eyes, almost glaring. “Is why I’m leaving.”

Steve stood at the door and stared at the floor under him as Sharon left and shut her own door behind her and Steve was left completely alone in the silence.

Truth be told, he hadn’t known what he had expected. After all, he had told her they couldn’t date. What else was she supposed to do? Steve guessed that he’d hoped she would stay with him, be a friend to him. Maybe it was because he hadn’t spoke right, hadn’t used the right words. He couldn’t explain to her his pain in words, but he wanted her to listen. He wanted her to know his pain but in their short conversation, he couldn’t make himself plain. He didn’t know how. He wanted to tell her he loved Peggy, but he really wanted to tell her that he still mourned everything and that life was hard and exhausting and he felt guilty and tired and everything was his fault and he hadn’t earned love, hadn’t proved himself, could never prove himself because maybe there was nothing there to prove.

He should have expected her to leave. No, he shouldn’t have said anything. He should have stayed silent because it just made her leave.

Later that day, Natasha made a brief and covert visit to his apartment.

“Steve,” Natasha said once Steve invited her in and they were sitting down. “We need to talk about Sharon. She was a mistake.”

“What?” Steve said, bewildered. “You were the one who suggested I date her in the first place.” Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Brief error in judgement of character,” she said. “It doesn’t happen often, but Sharon’s hatred of James slipped under my radar.” Steve narrowed his eyes.

“Did something happen?” He asked.

“She pointed a gun at my boyfriend, Rogers,” Natasha said, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and one eyebrow raised. “I’m this close to walking over there right now and giving her a few good reasons to never do that again.” Steve was stunned.

“She did what,” he said.

“You were pretty much down for the count by that point,” Natasha said. “But she refused to let James near you after he pulled you out of the water. She needs to go.”

“He didn’t tell me that,” Steve said. Natasha shrugged.

“That’s what I’m here for,” she said.

“Well,” Steve said as his shock and anger began to settle in and his face hardened. “We don’t have to worry about it anymore. She’s already gone.” Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean, she’s gone?” Natasha said and Steve shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about it. Or anything, for that matter, ever again.

“We broke up. I’m not seeing her anymore,” Steve said.

“Not even as friends?” Natasha said and Steve frowned and looked down.

“Not as anything,” he said.

I would like to thank everyone for being so kind and understanding as I took time off from posting. I was really touched with how supportive everyone was and I am elated to be back. I’d like to promise that it will never happen again, but I don’t want to be hasty. I can, however, promise that I’m always going to try my best.

I’m attending BYU Idaho with plans on serving an LDS mission for 18 months at the beginning of next year and returning to school afterwards. I’m studying English Literature with an emphasis on Creative Writing so I can fulfill my lifetime dream of writing for a living. I’ll be able to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. I could write my novels, I could write comic books, I could write movie or TV show screenplays and work in fiction for the rest of my life.

This is my first semester at college and I’m doing 10 credits in the summer semester, which is brutal. The workload has been intense and it’s difficult, but I’m glad I’m here because I’m going to leave a better and more versatile writer. :) -BB