Book Reviews [CLOSED]

III: Agent 34 and the Desert of Beasts by Astrabar

Agent 34 and the Desert of Beasts (c) @Astrabar (Fantasy, YA)

I have been on Wattpad for 2 years or so (something around that) and have been working on this series for about a year and a half. I've nearly perfected it and the book is almost complete. It's been my goal on Wattpad to make it one of the best.

An elf wakes up in a desert with no memories of his past or himself. He has a slip of paper in his jacket that simply says "Agent 34" scribbled on it and he decides to call himself that. On his journey, he discovers a tyrant king took his memories.

What was Awesome

I liked the idea of an elf in a desert. I don't recall reading something like that before, so to my eyes that's quite "fresh". I also like the term "Agent 34" in what seems like a high fantasy story, as it seems a bit modern and almost spy-like.

What was Boring

The pacing didn't really allow for the first three chapters to get "boring" in terms of what was going on, but the pacing was in fact so fast I felt like I had whiplash going from one thing to the next and onto another in the blink of an eye, but not in a good way, unfortunately. There were a lot of redundant or repetitive phrases that could be eliminated, but my primary piece of advice is to sloooooow dooooown. Take your time with it and let the reader be in the desert with Agent 34. Let them be scared and tired and hot and hungry. Focus on the five senses, but not with words like "felt" and "saw"; those put distance between the reader and the character.

Example:

"He felt hot."

versus

"His skin blistered and cracked. It peeled off in flakes and sheets, exposing the tender new flesh underneath. No shade. No water. No anything for miles. Just the sun, the beating sun, and his shambling form staggering across sand unending."

As with the last story, it felt like the majority of the time was spent simply reporting story events to the reader. The first three chapters were still made up almost entirely of "telling". While telling isn't bad on the whole, generally showing should make up the most of your prose.

A handy trick for determining whether you've shown or told: "He was a man with a thick beard and green eyes." versus "Rays of sunlight caught in his eyes, turning emerald green to golds of many hues. He raised his hand to his brow and squinted, scratching his bushy beard."

What was Confusing

I assume being an Agent he has some sort of training that would prepare him for survival situations, so I was mildly confused as to why he didn't wait for nightfall to traverse the desert and seek shelter during the day (deserts can get very cold at night— as low as freezing (32*F/0*C), in fact).

What caused Disbelief

My only advice here is to research amnesia very thoroughly, as it doesn't work the way many people think it does. Agent 34 also sounds more like he has a concussion, which can cause you to lose your memory surrounding the incident, but does not cause you to lose your entire long-term memory. I think looking into this type of diagnosis would fit the story better and allow for less awkward worldbuilding and character exposition.

If the amnesia is the product of magical intervention—which doesn't erase the need for believable symptoms—I'd like to see more of such effects, especially side effects. Does it weaken him or his own magic? Does it cause him to hiccup sparks? Does it give him magic? Is there some way for another character (or even himself) to tell that it was magic that did this? And if it does not do those things or have any traceable symptoms, why not? What about this kind of magic makes it undetectable? And would the story be better served by altering how it works?

I also would not read a name off a piece of paper in the middle of a desert and assume that it was me. It might make sense later on, but "later" is not "now" when you're reading, and I don't think this part landed well enough initially to be an "Oh!" moment later.

Plot - 2

The plot at this point seems to be "Get the heck out of the desert", which is fine. I'd like to see more of what he's doing for survival and protection. Other than that, between the two attackers that seemingly came out of nowhere, I didn't get very much sense of a plot.

Characters - 2

I know very little about Agent 34. Given that he has amnesia, I don't expect to know his life story, but the characterisation could have been better, I feel. I didn't really have a reason to care about him or to want him to make it out of the desert.

Worldbuilding - 2

Tentatively, I like the idea of elves in the desert. I didn't get far enough in to see much more than standard fantasy races and beasts and learn that one of the Kings despises elves, and that his subjects are not allowed to talk about it (which, upon reading that, made me wonder why the person who said this would bring it up in the first place, since he presumably knows what the laws are in his nation and has lived under them for a while).

I would like to see the characters living in the world more than being a conduit by which the reader is fed setting information.

Presentation - 2.5

The cover is fine. The text is somewhat difficult to read, mainly because of colour and not font. The author's name is very small and difficult to read.

I think going back to chapter one and rewriting it completely—and I do mean completely, with a fresh sheet of paper and everything—while paying close attention to pacing, worldbuilding, and characterisation could vastly improve the quality of this story. After you're happy with the writing you can go back for grammatical errors and such.

Overall Score: 2.12

Overall I believe this story still needs work. It reads like a first draft, but I want to stress that that is not a bad thing, because the only way you'll ever improve is if you have something to improve upon. My main recommendations are to slow down the pacing, take your time with characterisation, research amnesia, and most importantly to not give up! Don't let criticism get you down. Just write!