Say Anything / a.i.

23 - Audrey

AUDREY

I meant to call in sick for my librarian duties in the morning, but I end up quitting altogether. There's no point in having that job, anyways. Dylan's paychecks support the both of us just fine. Now I get to stay home and have more time to clean maintain the apartment. I can probably cook more, too.

I whip up some breakfast for Dylan real quick before he leaves for work. He doesn't give me a kiss on the cheek before he leaves, which feels worse than a slap in the face. I try to brush it off, but I can't.

It feels like he doesn't love me anymore, like I've messed up too many times to be loved. And it really sucks. That feeling, on top of my physical state, is all too much. My head hurts and I just feel nauseous and sick. The constant feeling of shame and emptiness doesn't help any.

I collapse on the couch and don't have any intentions to get up any time soon. The knowledge that I should be cleaning, organizing, or doing laundry plays in the back of my head, but I don't get up. I just can't. Everything feels sore, and it's not just because of my sudden illness.

Just before noon, there's a knock on the front door. I internally groan, knowing that it's Ashton. I don't want him to see me in this state. I'm messy, moody, and just a burden right now.

However, the knocks continue.

"Hello? It's Hailee."

My eyes snap open. Hailee? What's she doing here?

I push myself up on my sore legs and step over to the front door. I unlock it and open it slightly. Sure enough, Hailee is standing there, a bag in her hands. She smiles at me sweetly.

"W-what are you doing here?" I ask, my voice cracking. I clear my throat, embarrassed.

Hailee nods towards Ashton's apartment next door. "Michael went to visit with Ashton to play video games, and I'm not really into that, so I thought that you and I could hang out for a little while."

The sparkle in her golden eyes is almost blinding. Kindness and happiness just oozes from her person - why does she want to spend time with me of all people?

"I'm not so sure that's a great idea," I tell her honestly, my voice painfully rough. "I came down with a bad cold."

"That's okay," She says. "I have a strong immune system, plus I can make you feel better because I brought ..." She holds up the bag in her hands. "... Some freshly made cookies and some movies I thought you'd love."

"I don't-"

I don't get the chance to finish my sentence before she brazenly opens the door wider and walks past me. I close the door behind her, giving in, and watch as she plops down on the couch and sets the bag of goodies on the coffee table.

I warily walk over and sit beside her, pulling the blanket I had draped over my chilled body earlier onto my lap.

"Here are the cookies," Hailee announces with a dimpled smile as she pulls out a container of chocolate chip cookies. She sets them on my lap. "Enjoy those, they're my Gran's famous secret recipe."

I just stare at them. I'm sure they are delicious, but to me, they just don't look appetizing. Nothing does anymore. Whenever I look at food these days, I just see the calories and how fat it'll make me.

"I don't think I can eat anything," I say, which is true. My nausea is turning my stomach like a washing machine.

Hailee frowns and takes the container back. "That stinks. I'll just leave some for you so you can enjoy them later." She sets the cookies on the coffee table and then displays all the movies she picked out beside them. "I didn't know what kind of movies you're into, so I just packed a variety."

My heart aches.

"So I brought some classic rom-coms, action movies, and scary movies." She leans in slightly and whispers, "I get scared easily, so don't pick a scary one."

"Whatever movie you want to watch is fine," I tell her. "I'm probably going to fall asleep in the middle of it anyways, I'm pretty tired."

Hailee purses her lips and scans the movies in front of her. She picks The Notebook ("It's a classic!") and gets comfy in the couch. She is entranced by the movie at the very beginning, but my mind wonders off before it even starts. I know what the story's about: a boy and girl fall in love. Just the thought of the two characters falling in love and being perfect for each other makes my head throb even more.

I only get a few minutes into the movie before I doze off. I'm caught in a dreamless, numb slumber.

I'm awoken a while later by talking. I can't make sense of what they're saying, but I do recognize the voices as Ashton and Hailee. I try to sit up, but my head spins and I let my head fall back onto the pillow I was resting on.

The voices stop as soon as I cause movement. Then, footsteps.

"Hey, Audrey," Ashton's soft voices registers in my mind. I blink my eyes open and see Ashton leaning over me, concerned, as his eyes study my face. I want to disappear under the blanket; I must look like a mess. I pull the blanket up to my chin as chills arise goosebumps on my skin.

"Don't you have work today?" Ashton asks.

I shake my head. "Quit."

"What? Really?" He asks, shocked. He obviously didn't expect me to say that. "I thought you loved that job? You got to be around all your favorite books, like those Shakespeare ones."

"It just didn't work out," I say quietly, not really wanting to talk about it.

Ashton frowns.

"It's almost four," Hailee days from somewhere behind the couch. Ashton looks over at her and nods, pursing his lips in thought.

He looks down at me again, all curled up in a blanket, and asks, "Will you be okay alone?"

"Yeah," I say, brow furrowing. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know," Ashton replies, then straightens. "We've better be heading back to my apartment; Michael wants to play Hailee in Call of Duty. You're welcome to join us, Audrey."

"I think I'll stay home, but thank you for offering." It feels ... weird having someone ask if you want to hang out. Sure, Ashton's done it before, but I'm still not that used to it. No one ever wants to do anything with me except for Dylan, and if he does want to do something, he doesn't ask.

Ashton and Hailee say goodbye and head back to Ashton's apartment next door. As soon as they're gone, I sink into the couch further and let out a deep sigh. Silence fills my ears. The apartment feels so empty. I feel so empty.