I kept nervously glancing around the small room, feeling incredibly nervous. Cameron was sitting across from me in a comfortable look chair, but he looked anything but comfortable. He kept twiddling his thumbs, those brown eyes hidden beneath his curls. My foot started nervously tapping the hardwood floor as my hands kept running through my hair.
Talking to a physiatrist was definitely a first for me, I had never thought about going to one before. And what was going to happen if I said something stupid or wrong? Would this guy think I was an idiot? Or even worse, what if Cam thought I was stupid? My eyes glanced over at him to see him smile at a woman who sat down next to him. One of the main reasons I was nervous about coming to talk to this guy was because I was nervous about what Cam thought of me. Things had definitely been off for awhile between us, and I really didn't know why.
"Cameron and Hugo?" I watched as a man holding a clipboard was smiling at us. Well, I guess I was about to find out. Hopefully.
I followed Cam and the man into a room where Cam sat down in a chair opposite of me. I nervously sat down on a loveseat as the man shut the door before sitting down and smiling between us.
"Good morning, I'm Doctor Yates but you can call me Tom. I'd like to thank you both for coming today. Now, can you tell me a little about yourselves and your relationship? Hugo, how about you start?"
"Oh uhm sure." I ran my sweaty hands on my jeans before looking over at Cam. "Cameron and I went to the same high school together, but we were never really in the same social group. When we were seniors, we got paired up in our Sex Ed class and we had to raise a baby together. I thought the whole thing was stupid and really wasn't the best partner. It didn't help that I dented the baby a little," I said while giving a little laugh as I looked at the ground. "We got really close during that time and I realized I was addicted to him. I had never felt that way about anyone before, and I knew he was a keeper. We went through some things that brought us even closer until we went off to college. We had a little break in college but we found our way back to each other and haven't looked back. We've been married for a few years now and we just adopted a little baby boy."
Tom nodded as he glanced between the two of us. "That sounds like a lovely love story."
"He's being modest," Cam suddenly said while digging his fingers into his knees.
"Can you elaborate on that Cameron?" Tom asked.
Cam was then frowning as he stared at the floor. "Hugo got shot in high school because of my birth mother. We weren't even dating at that time and he literally took a bullet for me. Then I of course had to be the one to think that he didn't want to be with me, when he almost died for me. I pushed him away because I was frustrated, like I always do. Then in college I broke up with him." He hid his face even more as he took a deep breath. "Hugo was the first guy I'd ever been with. I met someone who I thought was nice and felt bad for having those feelings when I was already with someone. I guess I was just afraid of not knowing what else was out there. Even before that I thought he was cheating on me with his roommate, who ended up marrying my sister. I judged things too quickly like I always do. The only reason we've ever had problems in our relationship is because of me."
Sitting there stunned, I quickly shot out of my seat and kneeled in front of him. "You think all of that is your fault?"
Those brown eyes were finally looking up at me as he frowned. "Even you can't deny it."
"I have never thought that and I never will," I said while resting my hands onto his shaking hands.
He shook his head as tears were filling his eyes. "I'm even the reason we're here."
It seemed like he was going to continue but stopped talking. "And why exactly do you think that Cameron?" Tom asked. Honestly I had forgotten he was even in the room. "Tell Hugo why you're here."
Cam looked back down at the ground as he started to nervously bite his lip. "It's going to sound stupid."
"No, it won't." I said while running my thumb over his skin.
He took a shaky breath before saying, "Lately I just don't feel good enough for you." He sadly smiled while shaking his head. When tears rolled down his cheeks I quickly wiped them away. "I haven't done anything exciting. I've been working on a stupid book for ages and when I finished it, I just felt numb. So I deleted the entire thing." I had opened my mouth to say something but he quickly kept talking. "You are still the most attractive person I've ever met and it makes me nervous. I mean you could have anyone you want, but what you ended up with is a husband who cries over everything. I really have caused all the problems in our relationship and now I... I've overdone it. There was a night when you went to pick me up and you... grunted. It made me feel like I had gained weight and maybe I wasn't as attractive. It sounds stupid I know and now I don't know what to do. I haven't wanted you to touch or look at me because I've lost a lot of weight. Now I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose you but I don't know if you'll even believe me now and-"
When more tears rushed down his cheeks he stopped talking and tightly shut his eyes. Stunned, I stared at his crying face while just trying to understand. "Have you honestly been going through this all alone? Cameron, I can't believe you've been feeling like this. I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel self conscious-"
"That's just it!" He suddenly cried as he looked into my eyes. "You shouldn't always be apologizing. You haven't done anything to me; you've been the perfect boyfriend and husband ever. I'm the one that is always seeming to screw things up between us and-"
"Don't finish that sentence," I sternly said. I then grabbed his left hand and placed my thumb onto his wedding ring. Only then did I realize it was barely sitting on his finger, because now it didn't fit. "You know what this is? This isn't just some casual ring and it isn't some casual promise I made to you. You are the most important person in my life and I will never stop loving you. If I thought you didn't love me as much, I wouldn't have wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. And you have never screwed things up, even if you don't believe me,"
"High school is a confusing time and we were both trying to figure out the whole being with another guy thing. But what happened wasn't your fault Cam. And you taking a break from me in college is absolutely fine. I was literally the first guy you had ever kissed, ever been intimate with. I don't blame you at all for wanting to see if you were missing out on someone else. You did the right thing by ending what we had instead of acting on that curiosity while we were still together."
I ran my thumb over his ring again while placing my other hand onto his cheek. "You are the person who completely changed me into a better man. There's no one else I'd rather raise Huck with. But I will always be here for you, always. I don't want you having to go through this on your own. If you're sad, tell me. I want to be there for you and I want to take care of you."
He continued to cry as he leaned his face into my hand. "I don't know what to do about my weight," he whispered as more tears were filling his eyes. "I've lost so much. I don't even think I could keep an entire meal down. There's been times where I've tried to keep food down but... I just felt disgusted. I may have ended up just throwing it back up."
"There are many doctors who specialize in what you're going through Cameron," Tom suddenly said.
"Really?" He whispered while watching Tom hand him a pamphlet.
