Summertime (Frerard)

37: If I Lay Here Long Enough, Maybe The Bugs Will Eat Me Whole

Waking up in the back of a seven seater with my boyfriend practically laying on top of me had not proved to be one of the most comfortable things I'd ever experienced, but then again I put up with Mikey practically everyday, so really I didn't know what I was complaining about here.

It felt like there should be something to complain about though, almost as if within spirit, or maybe I was just a little pissed off by not getting nearly as much sleep as I should have gotten last night. Most likely though, it was the way Pete kept looking at Mikey, and more so they way Mikey didn't keep looking at him.

I knew I shouldn't be so involved in what or what was not going on between them, but I couldn't hate but feel sorry for Pete and I couldn't help but curse Mikey for what he didn't see and what, judging by Pete's words, was really Mikey's fault.

He shouldn't blame Mikey for being upset and really I had no clue in regards to the full story, but I couldn't help but care, and I knew that I shouldn't, because I was supposed to be happy - this was my birthday surprise, and I didn't want to upset Gerard, but now my birthday seemed miles away in that bedroom with Gerard and this just felt like a mix tape gone on for too long - the songs only there to fill space and steal time.

I don't feel vaguely excited or happy, I feel like caring far too much and the whole world's slowed down in this really weird way and the trees don't quite look real anymore and I start thinking about stupid things and start looking at the ground and imagining the dirt and soil underneath.

And I keep looking at Gerard like he's going to disappear. It's weird. I don't want anything to happen but I hate this status quo.

I don't know what I want, I just want something.

I know that something's up, and I know that Pete Wentz is right because I look at Gerard and Mikey - I look at Gerard glaring at Mikey when he can see and looking sad when he's not and I see the cracks and I hate looking at them but I see it all, I see them holding on and I just can't look away.

I don't want to look in the mirror and see them in myself and Gerard because as enlightening as this all is, it's the kind of knowledge you just don't want - the kind that Pete was right about.

I don't know how this has come on, but it's something to do with travel sickness and the absence of my nice warm bed. Perhaps over exposure to the Way brothers.

All I can think about is not upsetting Gerard by not looking too disappointed so I keeping smiling when he's looking and I don't when he's not, and I try not to connect this to the way Mikey and Gerard are because I don't want things to go wrong, but I do.

Part of me does.

Part of me wants Gerard to grow up and realise how things are for real, and that I won't always be there to catch him when he falls, but I can't just stand there and watch him fall. I can't look away either, it has this horrible guilt with it and I can't help but look at Gerard like things are going to change.

I hate my hunches because they always seem to be right.

-

"Frankie?" Gerard's voice pulled me from the grip of my hungry thoughts, but perhaps turning and facing him with that reflex of a smile made me want to disappear again, because anything was better than lying to both him and myself all the time.

I didn't know if I could keep this up. It was weird how it was so fucking easy when I didn't even know I was doing so, but now, now I'm all so aware of every smile and every scowl, I can't do it anymore - it's like everything becomes so much harder than you try. Perhaps somethings are just meant to happen and somethings are not. Perhaps I should just stand back and let the world work, but I can't possibly do that, not now I'm all so aware of the way it does.