Just random things

Parades

First off sorry I haven't been very active in posting stuff for the past like two weeks. I just haven't been really motivated to post anything and I needed a break to get my mental health somewhat in check.

Last Thursday I had my first appointment with my therapist, and she is absolutely wonderful. She's very sweet and she is really supportive and is perfectly fine with me being open about my sexuality. I was going to go see a few other people for a consultation to find someone I was most comfortable with, but Im more than ok with who I'm with.

She said from what I've told her about my anxiety and attacks that she's seeing a lot of signs of social anxiety, which is no surprise to me in the slightest.

I'm probably not going to say much about what I talk about with her for confidentiality reasons, but I'm happy I'm getting help, and especially from someone I feel very comfortable with.

I don't know why but for the past few days I've just been in a really weird state of mind where I'm not really sad or anxious, I'm just kinda there, but it's not a good feeling. I'm not sure what's triggering this but it's really frustrating. It's like I'm just in this neutral state all the time and I can barely perform basic tasks like getting food or showering.

I've also become a lot more jumpy, I've noticed. I had an anxiety attack in PE after my friend repeatedly snuck up behind me and spooked me. What really pushed me off the edge was when another friend joking pushed me and then blamed it on some dude that was running past us and I nearly screamed at her. I don't mean to lash out at people, in fact I hate it, but it's really hard to control.

I've gotten to a point where I get so jumpy and scared that when I have to put my chickens away or go in their pen for any reason, if my rooster is nearby I won't go in and just wait desperately for one of my parents to notice and come help me. This morning we noticed the door to the "broken" coop (it just has direct access to the pond) was wide open (we keep it locked). My parents were too lazy so they sent me out to go close it, and I left my phone inside so I wouldn't drop it out there. Bucky(rooster) and a few hens were close by, but I sucked it up and opened the rarely used pen door which was right next to the coop. I reached for the coop door when I heard charging footsteps from one hen and Bucky, so I slam the door closed and don't lock it properly before fumbling with the pen gate and slamming that closed just before Bucky could attack me. The adrenaline rush got me really freaked out and I slipped into one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had.

I crossed the bridge to the other side of the pond, shallow breathing and shaking, and I end up leaning on the chicken fence to try to gain my balance. I guess my mom saw that something was wrong because she was halfway to where I was from the house. I started walking toward her and she kept asking "what's wrong? Did he hurt you? Are you laughing?" My hitched breathing sounded like laughter, and I could get any words out. Eventually she calmed me down, but I felt completely helpless before she got there.

Alright I'm gonna step away from mental health for now. Because it's PARADE SEASON!! Mardis Gras is coming up so parades are happening left and right. Last week I went to a parade that started two hours late and barely threw anything. We started to get sunburnt so we left early. Yesterday was the big parade for my area that everybody goes to, and that I've marched in a few times. That was really fun, and I ran into some friends of mine while I was there.

I'm in the car rn coming home from my cousin's house, which is really close to the route of another big parade, so we had a king cake contest and party at her house, and some of us braved the rain and went down to the parade. There weren't many people there because of the lightening so the people on the floats were throwing whole packages of beads.

My uncle kept trying to get me to ride on his shoulders but i was too chicken so me nephew and I played a switcheroo on him and he climbed on his shoulders instead of me. And before you say anything about it being weird that my uncle wanted me to ride on his shoulders, this is just what people do with their kids at parades. I used to get on his, my dad's, and pretty-much-anyone-else-who-was-willing-to-let-me-on's shoulders to get more throws from floats.

It was a pretty fun night, and even though I didn't really want to go, I'm glad I did.

Even though I'm sorta drenched in rain.