"I love you, T." He blurts out once you both are back in his room.
Why were you there? You cannot even remember now. He loves you. Sure, he has told you that same thing a several times before, but they never sounded like this. As if he was talking from the bottom of his heart.
The affirmation takes you by surprise but you don't let him see that. He loves you. How long have you been waiting to hear those words? To say your whole life is an exaggeration but it almost feels like it. It makes you happy. But then you overthink, as you always do.
Why now? Why when every single feeling seems to be heightened by the adrenaline of winning the Olympics? Why not before? Like when you got your first surgery. Or when you lost the Grand Prix. Or any other situation for the matter. Why now?
You wouldn't take it. Not like this. What happens when everything goes back to normal? Will he still love you then? You don't know and you don't like not knowing. So, you just nod in response. You don't want to say anything you could regret the next morning when he comes back to his senses. So, you turn to leave. If he still loves you by tomorrow then you'll talk about it.
But he never tells you those words again. Not the morning after. Or ever.
*
You wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by darkness. What the hell was that? You haven't dreamed about it in so long you thought you had actually forgotten it, until now. What's different now? Oh, right, Scott. The douchebag that ditched your birthday/engagement party. Why did he do that? He didn't even say goodbye. He didn't even wave at you. He just left.
He doesn't love you. That's what you tell yourself. That's what you keep telling yourself every time you waste any of your time thinking about him. He doesn't love you. Because if he did, then you wouldn't be here, alone in your room. Except maybe you are not alone.
There's a sudden deep breath next to you that makes you jump. It's Matt, your fiancé. You shiver at the thought. It feels so damn weird to call him that. You stare at him for a while, taking in every detail and making an undeniable comparison on how different he looks from Scott.
Oh, Scott.
You sigh just thinking of him. What would have happened if you had let yourself enjoy whatever Scott was implying with that I love you? How would things be different from the way they are now? What if he did love you? You shake your head and close your eyes. No, he doesn't love you. At least not how you want him to love you. Not how Matt loves you.
"What's wrong, babe?" a concerned voice asks you. He scares the hell out of you at first. You feel bad whenever things like this happens. Whenever you get so trapped in the past that you forget the gorgeous man that sleeps by your side most of the nights. Matt loves you, and you love him. Or at least that's what you think. What is love anyway? Other than Scott, you haven't really gotten any experience in the field. This was a whole new perspective of life for you, one in which you were not holding on to Scott.
Now you are holding on to Matt. Or at least you feel like you should. Gosh, what did you do to deserve the man? He was the perfect boyfriend anyone could ever ask. You don't deserve him. You never will. Unless one day you stop loving Scott, which seems pretty unlikely to happen.
"Just a nightmare, sweetie" you answer and your voice sounds shallow, broken. He hugs you from the back and kisses your neck, but doesn't say anything else. You have taught him well.
Your head aches and you decide to go back to sleep. There was no gain in torturing yourself with how things turned out to be. It is what it is.
*
There are voices in the living room. It confuses you. Normally it is just you and Matt at home. You go straight to see who is at your house.
"Hey, Tess." Matt greets you. "Did we wake you up, love?"
It's late in the afternoon. You'd told Matt you were going to take a nap like an hour ago but it was nearly impossible to fall asleep with your brain going at a high-speed thinking about how all the decision in your life have led you to the point where you are now. You shake your head and give a confused look at Matt, expecting him to introduce whoever the hell is with him. He gets it immediately. It is incredible how easily he reads you. It makes you feel awful.
"This is our wedding planner, babe, remember? We met with him two weeks ago." He explains. Right, the wedding planner. To plan your wedding. Because you are engaged. To Matt. That's right. You let a small smile show up. It's funny to think that your whole life you expected this moment, but now that is here, you don't want anything to do with it. Because it is not Scott who you're marrying. Just how much control does he have over you and your emotions? Again, the questions you could never answer. Not by yourself.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you, Mr. Zamora. Is just that I'm not feeling well." You apologize.
Truth is that you don't remember him at all. Hell, you cannot even remember what you talked about in the meeting and you also don't know what could they be probably talking about right now. For all you know Matt has planned most of the wedding by himself now. He is the one handling and planning everything. Honestly, what would you do without the stability Matt brings to your life?
"We're narrowing down the guest list, babe. Do you want to double check with us?" Matt asks you. You really do not care who goes or not to your wedding, but there's a certain name you would like to see on that list.
"Sure." You answer and sit next to Matt, who's holding a paper full of names you don't give a fudge about. Most of them are Matt's friends and family. There is also your family and some of your business friends, close friends, and skating friends, but no Scott Moir. Sure, Alma and the whole Moir family is included. Is just Scott who isn't. You give Matt a look but he is completely ignoring it and pretending to be checking the list as well.
"Mr. Zamora, I'm afraid that there's one person missing. You must add Scott Moir to the guest list as well, please." You say and expect a reaction from Matt, but nothing comes out of him. He's still checking the list as if he already knew you were going to notice and had already given up.
