Make No Mistake

Speak Now

"I love you, T." He blurts out once you both are back in his room.

Why were you there? You cannot even remember now. He loves you. Sure, he has told you that same thing a several times before, but they never sounded like this. As if he was talking from the bottom of his heart.

The affirmation takes you by surprise but you don't let him see that. He loves you. How long have you been waiting to hear those words? To say your whole life is an exaggeration but it almost feels like it. It makes you happy. But then you overthink, as you always do.

Why now? Why when every single feeling seems to be heightened by the adrenaline of winning the Olympics? Why not before? Like when you got your first surgery. Or when you lost the Grand Prix. Or any other situation for the matter. Why now?

You wouldn't take it. Not like this. What happens when everything goes back to normal? Will he still love you then? You don't know and you don't like not knowing. So, you just nod in response. You don't want to say anything you could regret the next morning when he comes back to his senses. So, you turn to leave. If he still loves you by tomorrow then you'll talk about it.

But he never tells you those words again. Not the morning after. Or ever.

*

You wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by darkness. What the hell was that? You haven't dreamed about it in so long you thought you had actually forgotten it, until now. What's different now? Oh, right, Scott. The douchebag that ditched your birthday/engagement party. Why did he do that? He didn't even say goodbye. He didn't even wave at you. He just left.

He doesn't love you. That's what you tell yourself. That's what you keep telling yourself every time you waste any of your time thinking about him. He doesn't love you. Because if he did, then you wouldn't be here, alone in your room. Except maybe you are not alone.

There's a sudden deep breath next to you that makes you jump. It's Matt, your fiancé. You shiver at the thought. It feels so damn weird to call him that. You stare at him for a while, taking in every detail and making an undeniable comparison on how different he looks from Scott.

Oh, Scott.

You sigh just thinking of him. What would have happened if you had let yourself enjoy whatever Scott was implying with that I love you? How would things be different from the way they are now? What if he did love you? You shake your head and close your eyes. No, he doesn't love you. At least not how you want him to love you. Not how Matt loves you.

"What's wrong, babe?" a concerned voice asks you. He scares the hell out of you at first. You feel bad whenever things like this happens. Whenever you get so trapped in the past that you forget the gorgeous man that sleeps by your side most of the nights. Matt loves you, and you love him. Or at least that's what you think. What is love anyway? Other than Scott, you haven't really gotten any experience in the field. This was a whole new perspective of life for you, one in which you were not holding on to Scott.