I stare at my Vita during Mid-day Meal. Dana no longer glances at me out of the corner of her eye. The number of Officials has balanced out. This may be one of my best chances to not eat it. I know I shouldn’t take the risk, but I want to know. What is so horrible about the Vita that Josh would warn me against it?
Just once. I’ll skip it just once and eat it the rest of my life.
If I don’t eat it though, what do I do with it? I can’t just leave it on my tray when I put in on the conveyor belt to be cleaned. The Officials would see it. Each Vita is separately designed for each girl. They’d be able to trace it back to me if they were to find it. A bright orange cube would catch their attention.
Where else? Is there any other place to get rid of something? The Toilets. We’re allowed to use them between every Teaching. The start of the Teachings structured loosely, so as long as we enter the Teaching within the first few minutes, we are okay. If we need to use the Toilets, we use them quickly between Teachings. We wouldn’t dare ask to use them during the Teachings. They don’t have to worry about us misusing the time or wasting it. There’s nothing else to do besides Teachings.
Time begins to run out. I place the Vita on my tongue, tasting the sour but not chewing it. I place my empty tray on the conveyor belt. Is the one inch cube causing a noticeable bulge? I try to move my teeth to how they normally sit. Are they resting too lightly together? Are they pressed too hard? Do they normally touch at all? The weight of the Vita on my tongue makes each Officials stare seem more attentive. As if they are watching me not all the other girls.
I leave the Eating Hall, towards the Toilets. I enter through the door, going to the last stall. I close the stall door behind me and spit the Vita into my hand. A drop of bright orange saliva drips on to the floor, smacking the steel as it hits. Only a small drop. Is it as noticeable as it seems? Did everyone in the Toilets hear it? Is an Official about to break down the door at any second?
I brace myself. Nothing. Only paranoia.
I rub the drop of orange with the bottom of my shoe. It smears against the metal, barely noticeable.
I flush the toilet so the splash of the Vita won’t be too loud. I drop it into the toilet. The sucking water pulls it away. They must have the sanity not to go through the sewage or else the bright orange would stand out. I slip out of the Toilets, pressing my shaking hands to my sides. I stride to my next Teaching.
At first I don’t notice the effects. It takes a few hours to wear away. It’s not until Literature when I realize it. My head clears. I question the memoir about Ellen more than often. My muscles feel stronger, like I have double the energy. I want to jump up. Yell at the Officials. I want to scream to everyone how wrong our life is. I want to tell all the girls the effects of the Vita.
I force myself to take slow, deep breaths, clenching and unclenching my fists. Yelling and screaming at the girls will do nothing. I’ll only be dragged off to the Unknown, another girl who failed at rebellion.
I gradually calm down. It takes effort, too much effort. I can’t focus on my memoir and the quiz at the end of Literature. If I refuse to take my Vita, those results will show and the Officials will realize that something’s wrong.
I have to keep eating the Vita or all my secrets might escape me. To keep myself safe, I have to numb myself. It’s destroying my mind. My thoughts. But without it, I might destroy my future in the Complex. Every once in the while, I’ll skip it. Just to remind myself of how my life truly is.
The Complex isn’t perfection. It’s not flawless. Before, I suspected it. Without the Vita, the truth stands right in front of me, clearly visible.
I struggle through my afternoon Teachings, barely able to focus. My results worsen with each passing hour. The clearer my thoughts become, the less important the Teachings seem. The less intimidating the Officials are.
At Late Meal, I swallow down my Vita, just like everyone else. The dull calm lapses back into my thoughts. I struggle to fight it, to get back to the clear freedom of thought. But it’s a sacrifice I must take.
˚˚°˚˚
Dana immediately catches up with me at Free Hour. “You’re coming tonight, right?”
“I don’t think so. You know what we’re risking if we get caught, right?”
“It’s worth it. Don’t you ever want to be different from everyone else? Don’t you want to show that the Heads don’t have complete control over you?”
“It’s not safe though. Even if we didn’t get caught, are we safe together? You punched him. Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know. I just, I can’t explain it but it felt…almost natural. Almost…good.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to take the risks.”
“Don’t you ever want to know more?”
I think back to the way I felt after skipping my Vita. “I do, but there has to be a better, safer way.”
“If you can tell me a better way to get information, I won’t go tonight.” Dana raises her eyebrows at the challenge.
I sigh in exasperation. “Why do you even care so much about meeting with him? What does he have to teach you?”
“Everything. He must know something. He knows how to escape his level of the Complex and get into ours. That’s got to mean something.”
“What if it’s all a trap? What if the Officials are watching us?”
“What if they’re not? What if they have no idea that two girls are outsmarting them and they aren’t able to stop them? What if this is our one chance at learning something more and we don’t take it?”
“There has to be another way.”
“What if there isn’t? I’m taking my chance. Are you?”
What if Josh knows more about the Vita? He has to. He was the one who warned me about it. If I don’t go tonight, I might never learn.
I say, “Tonight. Just tonight. It’s the last night I’m ever risking again.
Dana’s face glows in triumph, “That’s all I need.”
We spend the rest of Free Hour discussing which memoir we believe is better. “The Most Loving Woman Alive: Ellen” or “The Compassionate Life of Ellen Windsor.” Like we should be. It’s similar to what everyone else is saying.
Personally, I believe each is equally dreadful, but I’d never say anything against Ellen Windsor.
˚˚°˚˚
I lie in bed listening to the vents. They turn on only a minute or so after the lights turn off. Time falls away and eventually they shut down. Are these vents on the same system as the ones Josh used to come up with this theory? I place my feet on the floor, goose bumps rising along my arms. I made a promise. I have to go through with it.
I strain my ears and catch Dana’s soft breathing. I feel through the dark and lightly press my fingertips to her arm so she knows I’m here. We slide the door open. Dana has placed the napkin in the lock again. We check the hall for Officials and navigate towards Circle Room 8.
The halls pass by, and our feet tap slightly against the floor. We’re only halfway there when my eyes catch the first traces of a light beam. The metal walls glitter with the ray of light. It bounces it time with the Official’s quick, steady footsteps.
Dana gasps. Fear seizes my chest, my pulse quickens. I grab Dana’s wrist and stumble to the nearest door.
Locked.
The Official will be rounding the corner any minute. There’s nowhere to hide. We aren’t to the section where all the Circle Rooms are. Only row after row of doors. We are in the hall where all the Renewal Rooms are. They’re only unlocked in the morning. After we finish our Renewals, the doors close for the rest of the day.
I yank Dana forward and close the few steps between us and the next door. I pull desperately.
Locked.
The footsteps come closer, about to turn the corner. Someone flies past us, stopping at the door in front of us. The person’s fingers fly over something hooked to the side of the door. It’s locked with a pass code.
The door slides open and the person pushes us inside. I stumble forward into the darkness.
The door closes behind us just as the light shines directly into the hallway. Who’s with us? The silhouette seems too tall to be Josh. Was it just the lack of light or is it someone else? Who else could it be? An Official?
I take a step away in the darkness, my eyes unable to pick out anything from the shadows. It can’t be an Official. Why would an Official hide us from another Official?
The footsteps echo outside the door, barely audible. They gradually fade. The person waits several minutes before carefully opening the door. The hallway has returned to desolation.
The person motions for us to follow before striding purposefully forward. The dim light of the floor reveals that the person has no bun or braid. A boy? But he’s too tall to be Josh and he doesn’t look anything like him. Freckles splatter across his sharp nose.
Dana and I share a glance. I shake my head, to say that we shouldn’t go with him. We don’t know who he is or where he’s taking us. Why is he here too? Are there several boys strolling through the girls’ halls?
Dana shrugs and strides forward, following him. I shift from foot to foot, unsure whether I should follow. They get further and further behind. I remember Dana’s words. ‘What if this is your one chance to find out information?’
I clench my teeth together and quickly catch up to them.
