The Only Baby I Need

The Closet

Coming out to my family was not easy. I was raised in an atmosphere that was dedicated mainly to the man upstairs. For a while I went a long with it, being a naive child that did what she was told. Growing up and approaching my early teens I was questioning my identity, who I was, who I am. All throughout high school, I would find my self noticing girls more than boys and when talking about crushes with my friends, I realized that I was different when it came to dating and having crushes. Every time someone would bring up a boy's name who they thought was so cute I found myself having those feelings, but for girls.

I soon figured out that, when it came to having a love interest, my radar would point to girls and I found myself being really attracted to them. I figured out the word for this soon after this revelation. For a long time I struggled with this identity. I've never heard of anyone in my town being gay, or let alone hear that word at all so, when I figured out this part of my identity, I didn't know what to do with it or what to make of it. I kept this a secret to myself for years and would pretend that there were boys that I liked when the question of "so anyone you find cute?", came around either in my family or even friends. I didn't know how to deal with this huge part of my identity, and even more so I didn't know how to tell people. I was this blue-eyed ginger walking around resending to be someone I wasn't and it was hard.

I turned to the only thing I knew could help, YouTube. I watched different videos of people coming out to their friends and family desperately trying to find a way of telling my parents, my family, my friends. I came up with a bunch of different ways of telling them, each one formed and shaped perfectly to fit each group's personalities, finding the best way to tell them without making them upset. I became trapped in a whirlpool of thoughts and ideas and it all became so overwhelming.

When I turned 17, I finally was able to accept this part of my identity personally, which then allowed me to realize that this is who I am, this is me and if people have a problem with that, then it's their loss. I am not changing for anyone. I am me, and I am happy with who I am. Realizing this felt like a giant weight being lifted off my shoulders because once you accept who you are, it becomes a lot easier to be ok with it and to be open about it.

I decided to tell my friend group first because it only consisted of 5 people including me. I decided that I was going to do it during lunch so we will all be sitting together. Here goes nothing I thought to my self.

"So, guy I have something to tell you" I began, my confidence growing with each word, my heart racing out of either excitement or nerves or both. I take a deep breath to steady my nerves.

"I think I like girls...", I look at them to try and read their reactions from their faces. They look at each other and then back at me and smile.

"Finally!", my friend Karly says. I look at them a little taken a back by her words.

"Yeah, we've been waiting for you to say that because it was a little bit obvious", Jen says as if I should have known that.

"Wait, what do you mean?", I don't know how to react to this because it's the polar opposite of what I expected.

"Well, we figured something was up because whenever we talked about a cute guy you never were super excited over him, so we thought yknow maybe you liked girls. But we didn't want to say anything because we knew that it was for you to figure out on your own time", Karly responds smiling. I almost start crying because of what she said. They didn't want to say anything because they knew it was for me to figure out. My mouth is hanging wide open not really sure what to say next. One thing's for sure, I am happy that they respected the fact that it wasn't for them to say anything until it was me to say it.

"You guys are amazing!" I say almost bursting into tears, but instead we all start laughing, why? I'm not sure but I was too happy to think about it. It was one of the happiest and most relieving moments of my life.