Always

2.We're all alone tonight

(Title: S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W-My chemical romance)

I dreamed of friends who accepted and cared for me. I dreamed of a loving boyfriend who would think I'm perfect even through all my flaws.
I dream of laughter and love.

I dream a happy dream, but when i woke up...i realized i didn't have any of that.
That scared me, why couldn't someone care for me as much as I cared about them?
What was so wrong with me that I couldn't have any of that? Why couldn't I be happy like all the other kids? What about the people on tv? They have it good.

But this isn't a dream, This isn't a tv show! This is real life.
And I hate it. I feel so fucking alone and nobody understands it.
I'm slowly getting to my breaking point and i will have no one to notice or even save me. They won't realize it, They won't know. I have no one.

Without me, my mom would have more money for better things.
She would take care of herself better too, I ruined her life! She had to quite her favorite job to watch over me as a little kid.

The queens could easily replace me, fuck I'm not even in the queens I just hang around them because I'm friends with Trish, Tana, and Lisa!

Without me my ex wouldn't have had a punching bag.
Without me my bullies wouldn't have to be assholes.

All I do is make people stressed out.
Somebody help me please. Please help me. Somebody tell me it's going to be okay.

And no one answers. I have no one to answer me....
I'm completely alone. When I'm alone nobody can hear me cry.

So thats what i did until i fell back asleep .

I got up and walked to school where David and Jake were waiting.
"Lookie here the little piggy decided to come after all. You werent here yesterday. "
Jake said with an evil smile.

"Yeah, my fist missed your face."  David said raising his fist and connected it with my face in a harsh punch.

"Dude that sounded gay. " Jake laughed at David.

"I know right? sounded better in my head." He whispered before kicking me down the small steps of the stairs, i groaned and landed on my stomach. Before I got up Jake grabbed me by my hair and slammed my face down into the ground. He laughed and walked away leaving me there.

This usually happens to me around three to four times a week, I'm a bit bigger than then other kids...actually no I'm just fat. I'm also gay though no one really knows that besides me and the queens.

The only good part of my day is when i can go home and sleep.
C'mon Shane just one more day of school and you have the whole weekend.

I heard the new kids are coming next week, Gabbie wants one of them to join their group .

Speaking of joining their group Trisha really wants me to. But I'm scared that when someone finds out I joined the queens they will assume I'm gay. I mean i am but they treat gay people horrible here.

I know they will have my back but i'm scared. If people find out so will my mom.
She's really christian. Will she accept me? Or will she hate me and kick me out?
Oh god what if she kicks me out! I have no where to go.
Don't freak out Shane. My mom doesn't even know yet i'm thinking too much.

I walked into an bathroom and quickly wiped off the blood. The bell rung while I was doing that, looks like Mr. Cooper was right after all.  I ran into the class room and the teacher just sighed and pointed to a desk.

After I finished all my classes i walked to the nearest store to my house.
I stepped inside and went to the makeup section and picked out the closest to my skin color.

"Shaney? Why are you buying makeup?" Fuck! I was not expecting my mom to be here.
"I was buying it for Trisha." I said looking down still so she wouldn't see my face .
"Okay dear, grab it and I'll drive you over to her house." Well that plan backfired.

"O-okay mom...thanks." I said awkwardly getting into the seat next to her.
She drove towards a large pink house. Yep, definitely Trish.

I got out of the car and grabbed the bag waking to the front door.
My mom looked at me and drove away fast. Great. I knocked and Trisha opened the door smiling "Shane what are you doing here! Come in! Come in! What's in the bag?" She said excitedly.

"Hey Trisha, it's makeup.....kinda tripped up needed to cover the evidence y'know?"
I responded  walking inside and sitting down on her bed.

"So gayboy, Any cuties you got your eyes on?" She asked throwing a pillow at me jokingly. 

"Nope, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be single forever. I mean have you seen me?" I said.

She frowned and moved the shaggy hair out of my face "You're a good guy Shane, Anybody would be lucky to have you in their lives. I'm lucky to have you as my friend, you're mom's lucky to have such a sweet son. If only the world wasn't such an asshole to good people you'd have a great life i'm sure of it."

"Thank you... I needed to hear something like that. Thank you Trish." I said moving over to hug her . She gladly accepted it and started talking about dicks with me.

I walked home staring up at the dark starry sky. By the time i got home all the lights were off meaning my mom is asleep. I could easily run away right now never come back, go to a better place, restart my life, I could be happier. I smiled at all the thoughts but I knew deep down I couldn't ever do it . 

I'd be too scared. Too scared to leave my mom, too scared to do it alone.
What if I can't really do it, I'd be homeless and I'd come crawling back embarrassed.
Worse what if I cant crawl back, I'd be lost. Maybe murdered?
I couldn't do it.

I went inside and laid down in my room and cried much like the night before.
Why was i such a failure?

(A/N:  I wrote the beginning after an anxiety attack so um....sorry bout.)