Love and Psychopaths 11: Porn and the Absence of Genuine Dialogue

Although Max was a highly attractive young man, he never talked about, or celebrated his own sexuality. In this regard, Max was much more like the straight men he disliked than he would care to admit. But he tried to convince himself he was different, reminding himself how he felt no need to get married or have children. His friends made him feel like he was already married.

By the age of 27, Max was a fascinating and charismatic, if soft spoken bachelor with beautiful and intense brown eyes. He was buff and clean shaven, often striking poses in coffee shops that made him look like an advertisement for expensive watches. But Max was not vane or materialistic. If you got to know him, you would discover that beneath his soft spoken exterior was a charming, self-deprecating sense of humour that felt oddly more British than American.

When Max wasn't thinking about films or writing essays, he loved listening to 19th century piano music, playing chess, and analysing Russian literature in his head. Max especially loved Dostoyevsky, although he felt loving Dostoyevsky was itself somewhat of a cliche. Max's one major vice was procrastinating, whenever he had a task to complete that he found overwhelming. During such a task, Max would often stare for hours at images of famous paintings. He particularly liked staring at paintings of women's faces by artists like Marlene Dumas, Alex Katz, and Renee Magritte.

Between the day his mother moved to Whittier and the age of 27, Max had no contact with Davis McFarlin. This was how he wanted things, and Davis certainly respected his wishes. This was partly because Max would always be her favourite person, the person she loved more than anyone she had ever known. Davis could never tell whether her love for Max was good or evil, like love to cherish or love to suppress. But because of this love, Davis would always do whatever she could to be thought fondly of by Max-even if that meant following his orders never to contact him again.

Max's friends tried to dissuade him from taking such a hard line stance towards his birth mother. In fact, they routinely encouraged him to resume contact with Davis. Max would respond that the last thing he ever wanted was to resume contact with a woman who had hurt him so badly.

His friends would shout, "But she's the reason you're alive!"

Max would reply, "I don't owe her my friendship just because I fell out of her."

Whenever his friends implored him to think of how much pain Davis might be in, Max would reply that this pain was her own fault. Sometimes Max's friends would speak more softly, demanding that he practice the art of forgiveness, using such forgiveness to repair a broken relationship with the woman who introduced him to so many of the things that he loved as an adult. Max would respond calmly that he didn't want to forgive her, or repair the relationship. He'd say he could forgive many things, but not sexual abuse, especially from the woman whose job was to love and protect him.

Max's friends continually brought up the issue of his estranged mother far more than Max himself wanted to talk about it. When Max repeatedly stated he didn't want to talk about it, his friends would accuse him of hurting himself. Max's friends thought that if Davis grew old and died without Max ever being in her life, he would feel an unbearable guilt, a painful, soul crushing regret he could never fully forgive himself for. Max would reply that these potential regrets were unimportant. If he felt them, that just meant his job was to make himself not feel them. They were the wrong feelings to have.

Because Max would never back down in this particular dispute, his friends frequently insulted him, calling him cold and heartless, insinuating he was the sort of man no woman would ever want to love. Max's friends believed all women needed to be with a man who had a deep respect for his mother, as unconditional love itself was only possible in light of this respect. Max would tell them that he didn't believe in unconditional love, after which his friends would shout that he was a spiteful and vindictive asshole. When Max pleaded with them to drop the subject, they'd get even louder, screaming in his face how much they hoped to never have a son like him.