I was never a religious type of person. That didn't mean I didn't go to church, didn't try to think if they really was a God above.
Since I was young, my Penocastol church has taken a great toll in my life.
My Dad he attended there along with his brother and sister, and his parents. So when my mom and him got married and I came along in the picture, we started going there as well.
Not regularly, because we did live about an hour away but when I would go it was actually kind of cool. Watching the people, watching reactions and watching everything. I found it amazing, but that didn't mean I was religious.
A big brown building, that welcomes you with a long driveway, 2 fields of grass, one on each side, fun to slip on when winter calls. And a huge rock, imprinted with the name of the church in bold, brick letters. Shouting “Hey look at me. Come stop by”
I guess I did belive in a certain extent of God, and I did kind of talk about it a lot once upon a time. It was something a little like this for me:
I was raised learning these ways, but I had been asked the questions “what makes you right and my opinion wrong” well, i was raised one way and you were raised the others. So I didn’t argue, and I would talk to my friends about my God, about being saved because I didn't want the people I cared about to be damned.
but then; (dun, dun, dun)
Then one year hit, harder then a fast baseball going 90 plus miles per hour, smacking you right dab in the stomach where you have to double over, cough for breath, wheezing for the rest of your life. Now scarred where you must wear it for as long as you should live.
Now my life was never perfect, my parents weren't perfect, my school, my friends, nothing was perfect but I still was surprised when everything happened.
I was a fragile tiny child, too young to really understand what was going on,
too young to be told my parents were doing drugs,
that we were losing our house,evicted; soon pushed out on the street when having no electricity was too much for us to handle.
that my grandma was dying and she wouldn't make it much longer.
Too young, but old enough to blame God for these things.
Why would he allow these things to happen to good people?
Our whole family served you, prayed to you, arms raised, tears down our faces or we fall down to our knees praising; over and over and over
“Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah. We love you God, we worship you.”
In months time, I had lost all my faith, had questioned everything I had ever known. My whole life was a lie, I was a lie. And when my Uncle died not even 2 months after my doubts, it was confirmed. I had lost everything I ever thought i knew.
How could I tell anyone what was going on?
My mom? a long distant mother focused completely on everything else. Within reach, yet how could i stick my hand out, try to grab her and confront what was going on?
My Dad? someone who believed in the Mighty God more than anyone, did I really stand a change to tell him "He's not real" I dont think so.
Friends? All pushed away, drifted to a different group of friends, one that was more friend worthy. Now not a single one i allowed myself to get close too. Even Tobey had drifted away some how.
School? can't stomach the thought of seeing the counselors look at me with fake sympathy, just trying to get paid, right?
I had nothing to be but watch as my world crumbled.
i slipped into “evil” it was the only thing i could see that was real.
(I mean all you really got to do is wait, the Devil will come to you and teach you how to play the game)
I fell, deep into the darkness, disturbed the silence within myself for just a moment, and a moment was all i needed.
I then ran, consumed by my “demons.”
Running all the way to hell.
Unraveled.
Shattered.
Irreplaceable.
Too soon death would arrive
Too late for saving me just in time
sentenced in flames, for eternity dancing with the devil. People were “praying for me” saying i was on a fast track to hell, I didn’t care because to me there wasn't even a Hell, there wasn't even a heaven to go to.
Once you die, you die.
yes
Once you die, you die. those words stained into my mind
Religion was now something i saw as something you use to scare people into acting good.
if you’re good. Heaven will welcome you. All pearls and gold and happiness.
if you’re bad. Hell will welcome you. All fire and screaming and pain.
Is there a place between heaven and hell? where your soul waits, protecting, watching over the ones they love.
Are you watching over me Tobey?
are you in Heaven?
Are you waiting, patiently waiting?
I can’t get myself to think Hell was even a possibility, not with you. That’s impossible.
Does Heaven have visiting hours?
Frustrated. So so so beyond frustrated!
who knows though, yeah
Who knows???
Nobody!
but maybe JUST maybe it’s not too late for people.
Maybe they can change their minds.
Maybe I can make it to heaven after all.
I have to see you soon Tobey.
Can I go to you my friend?
Will you allow me to, or will you shut me out, rip me off like a bandaid because I was selfish in the way that you were?
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@copyright
so i couldnt sleep so i decided to write this.
I don't have hate against religion and i didnt mean to insult religion in any type of way
in fact im christian myself and I did have my doubts.
I'll probably make another one before I log off for the night
thanks!
