The Moon on a Frozen Lake

4: Sleepless

Heart hammering, into the thick grey mist I ran,

After a shadow, a trail of a scent, unable to rest.

I spent a lifetime chasing hope yet finding none,

Where my heart used to be is now a hole in my chest.

--- J., 2017

Blink. Blink.

Yingyue focused her attention on the car's navigation system where a small dot marked their position. With every inch it moved, the more the phantom hands squeezing her throat eased its grip.

She was finally going home.

Away from the hospital where every day, she was tempted to saw off pieces of herself so they could scurry back to safety. If she had to spend another moment trying to stay still while strangers poked and prodded at her body, she would have pulled the needle out of her wrist and stabbed herself. She held back by thinking about the consequences of crossing that tenuous line between sanity and insanity. She'd already heard concerned relatives whispering about putting her in a facility. There was no way she'd let it go that far.

No way!

Her knuckles dug into her lap as she balled her hands into fists.

Just a little bit more.

She thought about her bed with its lavender sheets, memory foam mattress, and fluffy pillows. The tiny potted succulents along her windowsill greeting her every morning. Her huge bathtub and bath bomb collection. The pile of trashy romance books on the floor by her bed waiting to be read. A smile began to form at her lips, but remembering her companion, she quickly straightened her face.

"Everything all right?" The aforementioned companion took his eyes off the road and cast her a questioning glance.

She froze, then mumbled. "Yes, yes, everything's fine."

It was so strange having Kang Jihoon next to her. Even though they'd spent the past few days together, she still found this whole situation impossible to believe. It was as if some god took pity on her and let her dream him into existence. How else could he be exactly what she needed at this moment? Just this morning, before he wheeled her out of the room, he covered her eyes with an eye mask and stuffed her ears with earplugs. That way, she didn't even notice the teeming mass of people that were surely crawling around the hospital. If she was alone, would she have thought of that?

No.

If she was alone, she wouldn't even have made it to the hospital. She sobered at the thought. True, there were many times when she flirted with the idea of death, but she never followed through. There were still so many things she wanted to do. She wanted to live.

"Don't worry," he said in his deep voice. "We'll be home in a few minutes."

We. Home.

The words flashed in her mind in red, bold, capital letters. The nonexistent hair on her arms stood on end.

It was one thing to have him at the hospital from time to time, especially when the nurses were doing their rounds. At the end of the day, he went home and she had time alone to recover from all the emotions he stirred within her. But to spend the whole day -- no, a whole week -- with him? Why did she agree to that?

You know why.

From the corner of her eyes, she examined his profile, taking stock of his artfully-styled hair, tall nose bridge, and sharp jawline. Her throat dried up. God, he was so much her type. A tiny creature in her head rubbed its palms together and whispered, Because you're in lust with him.