5/17/18-4pm
This is kind of hard for me to write but also a relief. A little less than a year ago, I went to a friends house that was out of town and in the woods. Let's call this friend Jane. I was there with 4 or 5 more friends. We were all spending the night except for one. He had to leave at midnight. Anyway, a thunderstorm started. I am really scared of thunder and lighting, so I stayed inside. Then it was like my brain switched off. Another darker part of me took over. I went into the woods and threatened to run away. I hid from my friends while they looked for me. I couldn't control it.
Later I confessed to my friend, let's call her Anya, that in that moment, I wasn't in control. I'm not sure what her thoughts were but she was the only person I'd ever told. I assume she's forgotten about it, I mean it was a year ago.
But today I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I have an alter ego, a dark part of me. This part of me is called Axel. Axel is suicidal and very depressed. He is so set on being happy that the only thoughts that cross his mind anymore are self harm and suicide to end the pain. Axel is a part of my subconscious.
I will find myself daydreaming about stealing pills and overdosing, and I won't even realize I am until it's too late. Buying pencil sharpeners to take the blades out, hiding them in secret. Axel has a plan. He's been planning and preparing for a while now.
Sometimes I lose control and Axel takes over. I'm scared that he's planning to kill me. I want to end the pain but i'm not sure if that's the right way. Some people argue that if you committed suicide, your dogs wouldn't know where you went, and your family would fall apart. But when Axel takes over, he completely eliminates those thoughts from my head.
The next time he takes over, I fear I will not make it out alive, but maybe that's what I want too. For all the pain to end....
