MY IMMORTAL

Grief and Goodbyes - Six Stages of Separation P2

I spent the next few weeks in a detached state. I consciously removed myself from the situation, kind of how I did when I was having the slice of slate removed from my back. I was there and I functioned but it was like I was observing it from the outside. I watched as a girl that resembled me moved through a variety of interviews and listened as she answered some rather personal intrusive questions about how it felt for her watching Niall have his life threatened and how I could lie to him and if I really ever felt anything for him or if it was all an act for the job. Niall reached for my hand when I answered that question as my voice hitched. The shame on my face made the tension in the studio tangible. The only question I couldn't stay removed to answer was how I was now. That question implied so many other questions it had the power to suck me straight back into myself. It evoked such a powerful involuntary response from me. My throat tightened, my eyes welled, I swallowed and my mind explored all the implications searching for an answer. How am I, now that I knew my actions had ended our relationship before it really ever started? How am I, now that he had moved on? How am I going to move on? How am I going to get over him?

I couldn't answer it. There was a long, uncomfortable extended silence before a humiliating tear escaped at which point Niall answered on my behalf saying that it's clearly a process for us both and for him there were good day's and bad days as he was sure it was for me as well. He saved me from any further humiliation reminding me why I was so devastated from losing him. He was gracious, considerate, intelligent, perceptive, chivalrous, sexy, kind, funny, mischievous, not to mention astonishingly beautiful and no longer mine. I realised at that moment that I would go back to him in a heartbeat if he would have me, and therein lay the dilemma. He would no longer have me. He no longer wanted me in his life. It was at this point that I moved from stage five to stage six.

Stage six is the moment of acknowledgment. I came face to face with the extent of my monumental ... screw up for lack of a better term. I had made so many decisions that led us to that irreversible moment and I couldn't face it for another second. It was completely my own fault and I had nobody to blame but myself. I could have told him, knowing him as I do now I realised I should have told him and confessed as soon as I felt myself falling in love with him. I should have told him why I was there and that I never intended it to go as far as it was and that what I felt for him was overwhelming, bone-deep and so real that I couldn't go any further without telling him the truth. I should have placed all of my cards on the table. He would have been angry without question but he would have seen the truth and forgiven me. I wonder if it would have changed the course of events if I had been honest the moment I fell for him.

None of it mattered now. It was over, I had destroyed it and now I had to live with the consequences of that. I became reclusive again, hiding in my small apartment avoiding everyone and not taking calls. Sarah came over every day knocking on my door demanding to be let in but I couldn't deal with it. My Dad came over and shouted a bit at me demanding that I 'snap out of it'. I tried to return to the world but I only ended up curled up in a ball, sobbing in the corner near the front door of my apartment complex when Harry appeared out of nowhere as he always did. He carried me up back into my apartment and patiently waited for me to calm myself.

"I'm sorry Karus." He whispered as he brushed the hair stuck to my face wet from tears and sweat. I couldn't respond. It seemed the events of the last year had finally beat me down to a breaking point. "I should have come to you sooner." He admonished himself. Nothing this man said ever made sense to me, but I didn't care right now. He was the only person I could tolerate near me. I didn't even feel embarrassed, I was in so much pain I didn't care what I looked like or how much of this he saw. It was strange because I couldn't tolerate Sarah or Dad seeing me like this but Harry, I didn't care if he saw it. I tried to figure out why his presence was tolerable when the most important people in my life were not. I couldn't keep my mind on one thought long enough to come to any conclusions so I gave up.