I Amsterdam (Completed)

Chapter 9.6 - Emma

I was in bed by 8:30 PM, staring up at the engraved ceiling I first woke up to my first day in Amsterdam. It felt like it's been so long since then, yet was only a few days ago. Back then, I had no idea who Brandon was, and now I knew so much. I knew him inside out. I loved him inside out.

My whole body froze at the thought. I love Brandon.

One thing I've told myself since my mother's death is, Love only creates loss. Since my mother's death, I never allowed myself to love, to become too close to someone that I might be persuaded to stay.

I'm an idiot. Why didn't I see the clues? I thought I had it all under control, but I never do. It slipped and spilled into the depths of the ocean, and I decided to dive in after it. Now I'm in so deep I can't see the surface.

Because the one thing I had forbidden myself to do was the one thing that I went and accidentally did. I had refused to allow myself to love someone, because it would only be to lose them, but now, I'm stuck in that situation with Brandon, and I don't want to lose him.

But it's either lose him or lose my dream of travelling the world.

And no matter how much it hurt me, I already knew the answer.

I could picture his blue eyes, his flashing grin, his sunny blonde hair, his tender lips, his sweet yet raspy voice. I tried to imagine leaving them behind, telling myself I'll probably never see him again.

It only made my heart break.

But what do I do? I asked myself. I'm leaving in two days. And the worst part is that Brandon doesn't even know. He thinks I'm staying with my parents in Amsterdam, for definitely longer that I'm actually staying.

Jaime means "I love".

Brandon has showed me so much love. More love than I have ever experienced these past few years, and I feel like I've shown him nothing. But what can I do for him in these last moments we have? How do I tell him I'm leaving? Should I even tell him? Or should I just leave and forget about him like I did my parents?

I laid silently in bed, debating my next actions. I hoped and prayed for sleep to take me quickly, so that I could be relieved from my thoughts, so that I could wake up just as quickly to watch the sunrise with Brandon.

The sunrise.

The sunrise keychain.

I turned to my clock, and set my alarm for 5:oo AM. I didn't even know if the store would be open that early, or if Brandon would even appreciate the keychain, but it's the least I could do - to show I care, to show I love him.

But is it really love if I'm lying to him?