I'm A Lil' ( a BTS Littles fic!)(ABANDONED)

Chapter 51 [ Jay]

Jay's P. O. V

When he finished with his bottle, I slowly slip in a pacifier and take the bottle's teat out of his mouth. I tuck him into his bed and kiss his cheek. I watch him for 5 more minutes before stepping out to go eat dinner. I sat at the table, Jungkook was big now and was eating a meaty steak talking with his hyungs. I stare at my food and realize I'm not.. That.. Hungry. I eat little bits of the food but all of it, I was too worried about Joonie...

"Jay, where's Joonie? " Jungkook suddenly asks, I gave him a sad smile.

"He's... Not feeling that good, he's in bed right now" Jungkook's overprotective dad mode activates glugging his water before dashing to the little room. I follow behind him, I wasn't hungry anyway. He opens the door slowly and comes to Joonie's side putting two fingers on his forehead to check his temperature. He bites his lip, his eyes saddening. Jungkook caresses his cheeks kissing them.

"K-kookie? " Joonie's eyes flutter open, Jungkook shakes his head. Joonie thinks for a moment before realizing with Jungkook meant.

"Daddy.. " he raises his arms up, wanting a hug from the 'older'. Jungkook takes the little in his arms, giving him kisses. Joonie sniffles, I don't interfere knowing Jungkook will care for him.

"Are you heart anywhere Joonie? Tell Daddy what hurts" Joonie shakes his head, pointing at his heart.

"Awe baby~ are you sad? " Joonie nods. Jungkook rocks him trying to calm the boy.

"Why are you sad baby? Come on~ you can tell Daddy.. "

"Wanted cuddw's befowe, but Eomma wit' kookie. Had bad' fwashbacks, Wa' scawed. B-b-but Hyungie hewp Joonie. B-but w-wanted Dada..n'.. Then now I feew' aw' icky and not good. " Joonie whines, Jungkook handles it well, comforting the boy. He whispers praises into the boy's ear, stroking his back and head.

"M' cold dada.. " Jungkook wraps the blanket around him and continues to calm him. Once Namjoon stops crying, Jungkook takes his shirt off and cuddles with him under a blanket, just the way Joonie likes it. I smile this was adorable and I couldn't just.. Not take the opportunity.

I took about 7 pictures and squealed lightly, so damn cute!

"Momma... " Joonie whines, oop- my queue! I walked over to him, interlocking our hands.

"M' here baby " I say, he moved over and I climb in cuddling the boy. The 3 of us cuddling in the bed together, Joonie our baby in the middle, a little sick, a little whiny, but a whole lot of adorable.

Soon enough we here soft snores from both boys, I giggle to myself. If only the boys knew.. Well Namjoon does but- the others they don't.

I have huge anxiety and depression , about anything relating with socializing. People see me as a social person, someone who talks alot, who smiles alot, who laughs alot, who's happy. But they never the part of me that's hurt inside.

My parents they never truly cared about me, They only cared about my brother. My older brother. They've never babied me, instead they treated me roughly, called me names, made me cry every night, shout at me day in and day out for little things such as not putting a pencil in my pencil case, or putting my book on the table and not shelf. And it ate me up inside. I once was.. Well... Happy, social, never faked a smile... That changed when I moved schools in elementary.

They tormented me at school. Called me names for my skin condition. They dared people to grab my hand, arms, give me hug, finger, or even poke me, and then they'd screa, rub their hand on anything and chant the word " Ew " and " I've got the virus ". They chased others after touching me, like I was some kind of scum. The whole grade hated me. No one liked me. I was an outcast, even to those who are deemed outcasts themselves. I was nothing.

I broke.

I cut.

I shut myself away.

I tried to end it all.

But do they care?

No.

And they still don't care.

Now, I can't stand someone touching my arm, hand, wrist, without utterly freaking out, or crying.

And my parents still treat me like it's my fault.

Like I didn't shut them out hard enough.

That's it's my fault for listening.

That it's my fault I'm bullied.

That I'm faking my depression.

That I'm an ungrateful child that doesn't know the term depression

That it's my fault they fight.

My fault they don't love me as much as my brother.

My fault that I'm me.

All I ask for, is one I love you

One I accept you

One saying I'm sorry for what you're going through

One I know you're not okay.

Without a goddamn bible reference.

Then proceeding to tell me that it's my fault for not consulting God

One hug, and not telling me to get a hug from God aswell.

Like God put you on earth just to tell your kid that you're not supposed to comfort you and you should go consult God for a hug.

I'm not a puppet.

I'm not something you can change.

I have feelings, I get hurt.

It's not my fault.

No,

Actually,

It is my fault.

It's my fault that I didn't Jump

that I didn't slit my wrists deep enough.

It's my fault for not dying when I had the chance.