I Swear I Can Write

That Thing

There's a thing I shouldn't do. I don't do it. It's not actually a bad thing, not by any measure, really. The vast majority of people will actually tell you it's a brilliant thing. And I guess it is.
But not for everyone.
Maybe it's like fish, which is important. Many people enjoy fish, it's quite nutritious too, you know? But some people are allergic to fish, so it's not good for them. Fish is not good for them, even though most people will love fish.

That one thing that's horrible for me, I used to love it. I used to do it all the time, and I got addicted. Nothing's good in addiction, but me, it was bad even in moderation, but I was hooked. You can imagine that state of me. Or you probably can't, you don't even know what that thing is, nor do you know what it does to me.

So I stopped doing the thing. It was a gradual process and it was very hard to let go. But I did manage it over a year. After that, really my life took a 180 degree turn almost. I didn't have the thing conatantly in the back of my mind. Over time I even stopped feeling the temptation. I kind of forgot about it. I found other things to replace the thing, admittedly, not the best things.
Anything but the thing for me though.

Well, I was jobless a few days ago. Nay, I had a job, but I couldn't focus. I was starving actually, so nothing could hold my focus. The place I was in, the thing was all around it. It hadn't caught me attention the whole time I was there working, but when I realized I could no longer work and finally looked up for a break, I noticed the thing.

Memories surfaced of my past with the thing. I was so young and naive then, so easily affected by everything, more so by the thing.
But the thing meant nothing to me anymore, I was immune. I looked at my watch, I couldn't leave until an hour or two. I debated about getting back to work, maybe work on a different task now.

Where was I? You might wonder. Well I can't tell you that, but I'll assure it's not a bad place. A pretty great place, if I'm being honest. But great places hide monsters sometimes, monsters not everyone can see.

The thing jumped back into my vision. The thing is so stupid. Did it really think it still meant something to me? I had an hour left, maybe two. The thing could do no harm, I might as well do something in those two hours.

If I had friends, I'd probably have texted them or phoned them or called them over to join me at the place, but of course I have no friends. Thinking about it now, that's the reason why the thing could get to me all those years ago in the first place: I had no (relieable) friends.

Honestly, I did try to look for something else, even engaged in it for a while. But I guess I knew within myself, just denying admittance, that I was going to try the thing anyway. So I tried the thing.
And it's quite pathetic really how easily my resolve collapsed after the first five minutes. I ended up spending three, not two nor one, but three hours there all alone with the thing. And I couldn't believe how different I felt afterwards.

Had I really given up the thing for so many years? This lovely thing?! I'm too harsh on myself, surely I should've tried cutting it down, moderation? It didn't make sense to abandon the thing altogether. Everyone does it, the thing is so cool! The thing, the thing, the thing, so wonderful this thing! 

I left the place, but the thing found itself a place in my head, and settled there like a dragon in its den, unmoving and unapproachable.
I might as well have been high on pot then, my thoughts stank of the thing. They started going off in weird directions. But wow, the thing!

It was many hours before I realized, I didn't actually feel that great. Not that great turned into bad, and soon I felt awful. I didn't feel awful cos of the guilt of going against my resolution to never fall for the thing.
No, 'awful' is just what the thing makes me feel like when I'm not doing it. When I was younger, that awfulness, I didn't associate it with the thing, rather I associated it with the lack of the thing. Funny how perspective can change everything, huh?

I'm writing this two days since the thing was exploited, and I still feel it in me. I've caught myself daydreaming about it a few times.
Wow, my descriptions really aren't doing me any favours , are they? But I promise you, it's not in ANYWAY a 'bad' thing, in no way illegal or dangerous--well, that is, not dangerous for most people.

But writing this has been good therapy. I don't want to sound dramatic, but I couldn't really tell anyone what the thing is, I don't think they'd understand, and that's why I don't want to tell you either, dear reader. See, we know there is a thing such as anorexia and serious social media addiction, right? Even though to the layperson neither seems realistic, but to some people it can be quite damaging.

So there are things out there that can be quite damaging to you or me, and I think it's important to realize, within ourselves, when these things are crossing their limits.
It might be a thing or a person or a place, it can be anything. But it's up to you and me to draw the lines. You and I have to look out for ourselves, not everyone has someone to look out for them.
All we have is ourselves sometimes.

Ahem.

You might've noticed that my writer's voice is quite different in this piece. Well, that's cos I feel different. Somethings bring out the best in us, and other things, like the thing, bring out the other bits. Well those bits are still a part of me, I guess.
I don't know what I'm saying, I only started writing this to sort out my thoughts.

If I had to say something to you after all this, then I guess it would be this: Don't betray yourself. Trust yourself. When you made rules for yourself, you did it to protect you, don't blow it.

Maybe. Maybe not always. Think it out, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what works for you, jeez, but I do know about me.
All I'm saying is, take care of yourself, jeez.

Now I'm going to stop writing before someone calls the police on me for drug abuse or whatver you're thinking the thing is.
(I swear, it's not drugs)

Hey look, my voice is coming back.

Ok thanks for reading, bye.