Teachers Pet

43: One Question

        The second bell rang, indicating that I was now late. Still, I stared up at Jake with his hands on my face and my hands holding him there. I didn't want him to let me go, but we both knew he needed to. He nodded, seeming to see my thoughts playing out on my face. I allowed myself to soak in this moment just a little bit longer before I pulled my face away from his hands. The tears had stopped, but the pain didn't. The fog just never seems to lift, not really. It hovers. Even Jake couldn't make me forget it was there. It can lift and fall all it wants, but it never goes away.

       "Let me walk you to class." I took my hands from his and folded them across my chest. His hands stayed in the air for a moment before dropping to his side. My skin was longing to be touched by him again, but I knew I couldn't feed that hunger inside of me.

       "I need to be able to do things on my own. I don't need you." A slap to the face. That's what it felt like I had done to him. The look he gave me was unbearable to look at. I'd hurt him but it needed to be done. He needed to keep his distance, to stay away. I know he won't, but he has to try.

       "I know you can do it alone, but it doesn't mean you have to." I sniffled, not sure what to say to that. So I said nothing. He could see I wasn't going to speak until he moved out of my way. I was late and he would just make things worse for me the longer I stayed here with him. "I call every night. I leave you text that I know you don't look at it." I kept my eyes on the door behind him, wanting to escape.

       "Please move," I begged quietly. I couldn't do this, not now. Not with everything happening today. This was the worst time to be doing this.

       "Did you listen to any of my voicemails? Did you even consider answering my calls? Why won't you talk to me? I need to know."

       "Need to know what exactly?" I snapped at him, but I didn't mean to. Or maybe I did, I don't know.

       "I need to know everything." I held up a finger, looking up to those tortured eyes of his. Those early autumn leaves I adored so much. He looked at my finger confused before looking back to me.

       "You get one question. One question and then you let me leave. I will answer it as honestly as I can, but that is all you get." He analyzed my face, looking for something that probably wasn't there. We stared at each other for a long moment before he looked back to my shaking finger. He rubbed the back of his neck as he let out a long heavy sigh. He sounded exhausted. I could see the question writing itself out on his face and it made me regret this decision. I'd permitted him to ask me anything. Anything at all. Jake dropped his head and kept his eyes on the floor.

       "One question?" I nodded even though he couldn't see. Maybe I would allow him to ask me and maybe I really would be honest.

       "One question." He nodded to himself, still not taking his eyes off of the floor. I kept my eyes on him, all of him. I could feel the atmosphere change as he gathered the strength to ask his one question. A question I already knew he would ask. I just didn't know what answer I would give him. Would I be honest or would I lie?

       "Why didn't you tell anyone about what was happening?" Dean's voice rang in the back of my head. "... Why didn't you say anything? Why did you let things get so far? We could've helped you..." I gave Dean a half-truth, but it was still the truth. What would I tell Jake? What did he want to hear?

       "I thought... " My voice broke a bit, causing him to look up to meet my eyes. I saw the look he was trying to hide from me. He desperately needed to know the answer to this question. "I thought I was strong enough to handle it. And if I wasn't, I thought I had enough will power to at least endure it." What was he feeling right now? To know his brother had been the one to hurt me. To know something so horrible was happening and he couldn't do anything to stop it... What was he feeling right now? What had he felt every day since he had learned the truth? I wanted to ask but I didn't want to know. Knowing would destroy me. Knowing was probably destroying him right now.