I swallow and look at him, his sad making me want to reach over and hug him.
"I understand, I'm...", he begins talking, thinking that my silence is the answer.
"James...how can I be happy when I constantly see my...you...when I constantly see you with her. When we...broke up...or...whatever it was that we did...I...lost the person I love and...my best friend at the same time."
"You didn't. Juliet, you didn't lose me, not for one second."
"It sure felt like it", I say and look down at my foot.
"You're in pain...let's not talk about it now, okay? You should get some rest", he leans forward slowly pulling the cover over me.
I shake my head, aware of how heavy my eyelids have become. "I want to talk."
His smile is soft as his fingers carefully brush a few hair strands away from my face. "I promise I'll be here when you wake up."
I look at him and nod. His fingers gently start to brush over my forehead before burying themselves into my hair, massaging my scalp. "I know you can't fall asleep on your back but...maybe this helps a bit...", he says in a calm whispering tone. I can feel my body relaxing and I close my eyes. I reach for his hand and pull it down until it cups my cheek. I lean the right side of my face against his hand. I've missed his touch so much, the feeling of his skin on mine still sending shivers through my body.
*****
I open my eyes and look over at the other side of the bed. He is laying on his stomach, face turned to me, still sleeping. I look down and smile when I notice that his hand is placed over mine. Before I can pull my hand away I see his fingers moving and intertwining with mine. I look over at James, thinking he woke up but he is still sleeping...a soft smile appears on his face. I close my eyes and fall asleep again.
*****
"Hey...", I can feel his fingers brushing through my hair. "...sorry to wake you up, but you need to take the meds..."
I open my eyes and look at him. "Umm...", I rub my eyes and gently pull myself up, leaning my back against the headboard. "Thank you?"
"I set an alarm. They said every six hours...", he says with a smile while handing me the pill and the open water bottle.
"Sorry, I was just confused...I didn't hear your alarm and...wait, six hours went by already?!" I place the pill in my mouth before taking a sip of water.
"Yeah", he says and slowly sits down next to me. "How are you feeling?"
I place the water bottle on the nightstand. "I feel like I have to excuse myself...", I say with a smile and point to the bathroom.
"Oh, sure, let me help you", he says while standing up again. He holds his hand out and I take it. I carefully move my leg over the edge of the bed and hold my breath because of the shooting pain. He looks at me and wraps one arm around my upper body.
"You don't need to carry me...", I say but curl my arm around his neck.
"Yes, I do", he replies as his arm holds the back of my thighs. He pulls me up from the bed and carries me to the bathroom.
"Did you get any sleep?", I ask, already knowing the answer as he is gently letting me down, my foot touching the cold bathroom tile.
"I did...", he says and I can see his lips forming into a smile.
"What, what?", I ask and smile too.
"We...umm...were holding hands when I woke up", he says and looks into my eyes.
"I woke up at some point...and saw that..."
"Sorry, did it...bother you?"
"Not at all", I say and look at him.
He bites his lower lip in an attempt to prevent his smile from getting wider and nods.
"I have to umm...."
"Oh, yeah, sure...I'll make some...coffee?"
"Perfect, thank you", I say and watch him walk outside the bathroom. I close the door and sigh...
I look in the mirror and wash my hands. I wash my face and try to arrange my messy hair before leaving the bathroom. I slowly walk out, feeling exhausted after the first five steps.
He quickly walks out of the kitchen and places his arm around me. We slowly walk towards the bedroom again. I lay back down, a sound of relief escaping my lips as I manage to find a comfortable position for me leg again.
"Be right back, okay?", he says and returns moments later with two cups of coffee.
I look at him and smile. "James..."
He looks at me, his eyes focusing on mine.
"What is...this I mean...why..."
"I don't know, it's us...I guess we always end up...together...well not that I am implying that we are....but....I mean I wish we were but...I don't even know if you still...if you waited or maybe you just don't want to deal with me again or maybe you just don't..."
I look at him, amused by his rant.
"My ranting mode was on, huh?"
I nod and take a sip of coffee. I run my fingers through my hair and nod again. "I waited."
"So that Ryan guy..."
"Just a friend...a really good friend actually. He's nice, you would actually like him."
"I highly doubt that."
"James..."
"Juliet, I know it will sound so hypocritical but when I saw you two together on your story..."
"Just a friend...and it is...hypocritical...because you make out with someone who clearly has feelings for you all the time."
"I don't have any feelings for Ashley, you know why I'm doing this. Why I have to do this."
"I know, but...it still hurts to see the person I love kissing another girl. It hurts to watch your interviews. The way you smile at each other and talk about your relationship...why are you smiling?! What is so funny?!"
"I'm not smiling because you said something funny. I smile because you just said that you love me. Not loved. Love. So in my head I still have a chance...we still have a chance."
"Why didn't you say anything all this time?! Why not let me know you will be in New York? Why not...I know we shouldn't be seen with each other...but still...I would have really appreciated a heads up..."
"Sure, a message like: 'Hi love, in New York right now but I still have to pretend like I'm in a happy relationship. Hate my life right now. Hope all is well.' ", he sighs. "Sorry, I...just don't know how to deal with all this...all I know is that...I love you and no matter how often I try to rationalize this whole situation...I can't. All I know is that at the end of the day I want you. And please don't say something like 'but you don't always get what you want', because I've been fucking aware of that every time I went to bed and woke up for the past months...Juliet every time I opened Insta my heart dropped when I saw you posted something, thinking it's going to be a picture of you and someone new and I... "
