INTROSPECTION

Later

I'll do it later.
I have got a lot on my plate right now, maybe later.
Let me just reach somewhere, be someone, get some stability, I'll enjoy later.

Later.
It's such a powerful word.
Holding so many expectations, dreams, wishes that we put on hold.
So much hope put on one word.

Some, in fact many may argue that only after you become financially stable, you gain a strong hold professionally, only then you can afford to relax and enjoy life.
Honestly even I use the same excuse everytime. Let me just complete my MBBS degree, get into residency, start earning and then I'll start ticking things off from my wishlist you know like,
Getting a corgi,
Visiting Harry Potter world,
Going on a cruise,
Cuddling with otters, etc.
That is how I have always been.
I have never been 'let's seize the day' kind of person.
For me a good day comprises of me meeting as few people as possible in the gym, having my favourite breakfast and a cup of chai, studying for a few hours so as to stop the guilt from setting in, sharing a few laughs with my friends, finding a good fanfic, fantasizing and finally having a peaceful undisturbed alarm free sleep.( My roommate is a narcissist and a deep sleeper and for some reason believes that it's my duty to get up from her alarm and then wake her up, every single day.)

Anyway, coming back to the point, I have always been a 'go with the flow' kind of a person.
Always believed that when I become financially and emotionally and mentally independent, my life will be set and all of my dreams will come true.
I guess I took after my mother. She is 'lets focus on the future, let's think before spending money impulsively, let's complete all our duties first then enjoy later' kind of person. She would think twice before spending money, buying anything just for the luxury or for her pleasure.
Even when we'll gift something to her, she will chastize us for wasting money, though secretly enjoying the thoughtfulness behind the gift.

My father was the complete opposite.
He was a spontaneous, impulsive man especially where money or materialistic things were concerned. If he got an idea, it will be executed by the end of the day. If he wanted to buy anything, we will be out in the market and shopping for it before we could even contemplate the origin or the need for his actions.
This often led to some disagreements between him and mom.
My sister took after him I suppose.
She has his spontaneity, the slight recklessness with money, 'when I want something, I want it now even though I don't need it' kinda attitude.

One day, all of us were just relaxing in the sitting room when suddenly Papa exclaimed.
"You know what we need?"
My mother who was casually flicking through the television channels looked at him warily.
"Now what do we need?"
"We need a bathtub in the bathroom," he said excitedly.
My mother spared only two seconds to share an exasperated look, shook her head and turned back to tv.
The rest of the Sunday went in Papa explaining the merits of having a bathtub and my mother telling him that there is absolutely no need for him to convince us as he is going to get a bathtub either way.
"We don't have to get it right now. I'm just saying that it's a good idea. We'll get it later." Papa concluded the argument satisfied with the outcome.

I was fourteen when I lost my father.

We missed him in a lot of important events of our life.
My sister's graduation.
Her scholarship PHD in University of Southern California, LA.
My admission in a med school.

He missed a lot.
And look at me, lamenting over the fact that he didn't get to buy the bathtub he was so excited about.
He thought he would buy it later.

I don't know how much I have learned from this.
I still rely a lot on the future, a bit too optimistic for my own good.
But I have learned one thing that all the hard work and the struggle for tomorrow is a waste if we don't live a little today.
If we don't laugh a little today.
If we don't take out sometime for our loved ones.
I know it's difficult.
The competition in this big bad world.
The grudges we hold.
The anger, the frustration, the hopelessness that hold us back from expressing ourselves to our loved ones.
It's difficult.

Just let it go for a second.
Just breathe.
Look around.
Appreciate the beauty.
And don't forget to smile.
Thank the higher power if you believe in it, and then continue with your life.
But take out a moment for yourself everyday.
Do what you want to do, not what you need to or what you have to.
Binge watch your favorite series, indulge in junk food sometimes, cry when you feel like,waste a day just lying around, just say what you feel without thinking about the consequences, show your appreciation to the people who mean the world to you, forgive someone for offending you all those years ago.

It'll be okay.
Just don't put your life on hold. Because if you stop living today, there will be no tomorrow.
There will be no later.
And without later, there will be no hope.
And we all know how much we need hope.