(This chapter contains content that deals with suicide and other things that could trigger some people.)
This part isn't about Nolan. It isn't about Nick. This part is about Isaac.
Isaac could be described as an average-looking gangly white kid with long hair, who wore lots of plaid shirts and beanies. He's changed his style a bit since the events in this thing, but alas, this story takes place in the past, so that's where we'll stay.
Isaac was really loud. Opinionated. But he was also very silent at times. He could be outspoken or shy at any moment. It was cute. He's cute.
He would ride my bus, because he lived with his mom, right down the street from me. He shared his thoughts in intellectual, yet tactless ways. For example, one time, he was listening to Lady Gaga out loud on the bus. Of course, I didn't mind, because I myself am a Little Monster. However, a lot of the other kids were all giggling, internally pondering what makes a teenage boy want to listen to a female singer. How obscure. How gay. That's funny. He said something like "Who the fuck cares about what I listen to? Since when does the music someone listen to define them?" And he ended with a nice, solid "fuck you."
He occasionally talked to me. We shared the same sense of humor, so we got along easily. We laughed about the same things. We had fun on that bus, just talking, and laughing. We discussed music, memes, games, being teenagers, being bored, broke, sad, easily annoyed. Everything. We were friends. We never really talked outside of the bus though. Other than while we walked from the bus to our houses. My house came on the street earlier than his, so I was the one who would break the conversation so I could walk down my sidewalk to my doorway. The concluding expressions were regularly cliché and along the lines of "See you tomorrow" and "Peace out."
During one of our little conversations on the bus, my sexuality was brought up. I think I mentioned it very matter-of-factly. Something like "Not all gay and bisexual people are like that. I'm bi, and I've never done that before." At that point in my life, I was out, and able to say that to everybody.
"You're bisexual?"
I confirmed.
"Oh. Me too." And suddenly, with those few words, I developed a crush.
I made up a lie to get closer to Isaac. I told him I went through recent relationship problems that I couldn't let go of, which was not entirely a lie. I was referring to Nolan, and I told Nolan the condensed version of what you read in part one. The lie was that it had been recently, when really, there's a complete one year and some months time gap between these two stories. This story is taking place in the winter of 2013. Why such a giant time leap? Because the time between was absolutely boring and every night I listened to the cover of "Makin Out" that Pomplamoose did, as I cried in complete darkness while cuddling with a throw pillow. That was the kind of sad I was after the Nolan and Derek thing.
I asked Isaac if he could help me by being my "therapist." Just listen to me. Allow me to tell him all of my feelings in hopes of it fixing me. Keep me from falling apart. Honestly, I had completely moved on and didn't give a single fuck about Nolan anymore. He was past. I was present. Isaac was present.
He agreed to the pretend therapy thing, which was great, because that meant my plan to get closer to him worked, and that I was getting closer to potentially being in a relationship with him. He said "Okay." He asked me when. Then we scheduled it, and it actually happened.
We walked to his house after we got off the school bus. We entered, he shut the door, I sat on his couch, he sat on the other couch across from me. I wanted him to sit beside me. He didn't.
I told him about how my sob story of an almost one night stand "made me feel." He didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say. Everything was quiet and awkward. Not the cute, adorable kind of awkward. The Help-I-Don't-Know-What-To-Do-Someone-Say-Something kind of awkward.
He had cats. I pet the cats. A lot. One of the cats decided to plop itself on my lap and just chill there. It kept looking up at me, purring. It rubbed its chin against my leg. It made soft "mrew" sounds. I didn't know if the cat was male or female, but it reminded me of Nolan. I don't know why, but that cat just looked like him. But in cat form. Its eyes were soft and gentle. Its paws were resting gently on my lap. The cat gave me shivers. The hairs on my arm stiffened. Isaac was still trying to talk to me but I was too distracted by the cat. By Nolan. The cat's name was not Nolan, but I accidentally called it Nolan out loud. Isaac wasn't really listening or paying any attention, so he just said "Cool."
It was getting cold in his house. The pet dander floating around the air was making me sneeze. He was quiet. I was quiet. I was basically just sitting in his living room with him. That was it. I was tired of it. I was bored. Obviously, the plan wasn't going to work, so I might as well give up on that tactic and try something else.
I said "I'm gonna go."
He said "Why?"
"Because this is really awkward."
"Yeah. Why is it awkward though?" I was going to respond with "Because this isn't helping." But I told the truth.
"Because I like you."
"Oh. Oh. That makes-makes sense. Oh."
"I'm so sorry. I'm gonna go." I stood up and walked to the door.
"No, it's fine."
"No, I've made this even more awkward."
"Yeah, but like-"
"What?"
"I'm sorry Mark."
"About what?"
"I'm straight. I don't know why I lied to you. I'm sorry."
"Oh my god, you're straight?"
"Yeah."
"Fuckin' shit, now it's even more awkward."
"You like me, though?"
"I'm leaving. I'm really sorry, Isaac."
"It's fine-" And I left. There was no "See you tomorrow" or "Peace out."
I don't get embarrassed easily. But my face was blood red walking down the street. I mean, yeah, he wasn't a dick about it or anything, but hey, I still told a straight boy that I liked him.
I Facebook messaged him. "Why did you tell me you were bi in the first place?"
"I mean, I guess to make you feel more comfortable around me."
"Are you sure you're not bi?" I typed, channeling all the desperation I had.
"No, I don't know." Thank you, desperation gods.
"You've never thought of being with a guy?"
"Well, like, two people."
"So you're bi-curious..." And I developed a plan. "Well you might get a better idea if you tried something."
"What?"
"How are you supposed to know if you like guys or not if you've never kissed one?"
"Good point." It seemed as if the plan was working out.
"You should just ask someone who is gay or bi to kiss you, just so that you can find out if you're bi or not."
"Who?"
"Do you have any gay or bi friends you can test it on? Other than me."
"Wait," he replied. "Why not you? Are you not okay with it?"
