𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | 𝐭𝐚𝐞𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤

To my dearest Sulli, rest.

This is not a chapter but a little update I guess and authors note sort of?

Basically I'm just heartbroken. Sulli passed away a few days ago and I'm 100% sure it was suicide but I doubt anyone who knew her will ever admit to it due to the mental health stigma in Korea (other counties too of course before some of you get upset..) I'm absolutely heartbroken like y'all don't even understand, or maybe you do if you feel the same way as I am right now. Sulli was my bias in F(x) and was one of the reasons I got into kpop. She was such a beautiful soul and it pains me to know she took such extreme measures by taking her own life. I just feel like we failed her. Like I failed her? Some of you may think that's absolutely ridiculous but just think of your own ult bias or the one person that got you into kpop and how they have that special place in your heart right? Now think, as awful as it is, if they had done something like ending their own life. I'm sure you'd be just as heartbroken and possibly feel like you didn't do enough as that's a common feeling when losing someone to suicide. It's just so shitty because I didn't know her personally obviously but yet she helped me through so much. Like how insane is that? She changed my life for the better, and she never even knew nor will she ever. I just feel so awful like I can't put into words how absolutely awful and guilty I feel. My heart aches for her personal friends and family because if I, just a fan who's never met her could feel so hurt I can't begin to imagine what those who knew her feel right now. The whole situation is so sad and I just feel really terrible and heartbroken.

I've cried since I've found out and I keep watching old videos of her and looking through all my old posts about her on my old Instagram and my brain just doesn't want to process that she's actually gone. I feel like I took her for granted almost, like I had slowly drifted away and discovered other idols and basically forgot about her and that pains me because I feel like I should have appreciated her more, you know? It's just crazy how you truly never know what's going on with someone. She seemed so strong, but she's human and humans can only take so much. Every little fucking thing she did was scrutinized and blown out of proportion and she was constantly made to be this shameful woman, and all for fucking what? I'm disgusted with those who treated her so terribly and who slandered her name just for the simplest, stupidest things. She was a person, a beautiful person with feelings and she didn't deserve an ounce of all the hate she received.

To my angel Sulli, I'm sorry. I'm sorry we failed you baby. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy and free from all of the things you suffered here on earth. My sweet sweet angel, wherever you are, rest okay?

I might not be updating this story for a little while because this whole situation has really triggered the crap out of me and I just don't feel like I'm in a good mental state right now, as ridiculous as that may sound. Suicide is an extremely, extremely sensitive topic for me so this news has not been easy for me cause it's bringing back a lot of old feelings and re opening some old wounds.

I really hope you can try to understand and I'm sorry if I'm letting my readers down. I'll try to get myself together as quick as I can, I promise. I hope you all know I love each and every one of my readers and I genuinely wish nothing but health and happiness for all of you, so take care okay? If any of you ever need to talk or even just vent, I hope you know this comment section is a safe place for you to voice out your feelings. If I see any rude comments, I'll delete them immediately but I really hope it doesn't come down to that. So that being said feel free to voice out your feelings in the comment section, or spread some love to whomever may need it. You never know, you could just make someone's day. Be kind, always.

I love you all.

I'll remember her infectious smile and laughter, always.

03/11/2019 EDIT: okay. as if things couldn't get any worse, they fucking did. Hwall left the boyz. Woojin left stray kids, and now Wonho has left Monsta X. As a multi stan, who loves all these groups and ex members (it hurts to even say that 🥺) my heart is even more shattered. October has been the WORST month in the kpop world and for me personally as well in my own life due to a lot that's happened.

11/25/2019 EDIT: and now our precious goo hara has passed. literally what is going on this year. my heart literally can't handle any more of this. 2019 has been an absolute disaster.

Anyhow I am working on the next chapter right now but I can only write for a few minutes before my brain like shuts down. I will be posting the next chapter by the end of the month though, I promise.