Anorexic (anorexia nervosa)
anorexic [ an-uh-rek-sik ]
noun
1. a person suffering from anorexia or especially anorexia nervosa.
adjective
anorectic.
Related words
malnourished, bulimic, emaciated, thin
Personal causes:
1. Bullying
2. Ignorance
3. Assuming
Yes, it's very cliche that i so happen to have had (or have this sickness). But if you have accepted the fact that i am indeed the daughter of a prostitute, you might as well accept that i am mentally unstable. Brought to this judgement day by not less (but perhaps more) than three causes.
One of which, is also very cliche: the bullying. And maybe i had been the one to overreact or overthink on the whole situation. But considering the fact that my home situation was a wreck, did emotionally put bullying the most weight on me, and i mean that quite literally. Because i was fat, not just fat i was a regular butterball. We used to say that as kids: you bet ya firm, but i was F.A.T.
It doesn't bother me much now, i rather not see a picture of me as a child but in other ways I don't care. I just cannot help but think on this, every day, a piece of my time and mind goes to this subject. How a name and a mean face can harm a person to the point that it can cause a sickness of the mind. You start to question if you are weak or if you are crazy. But the name i was given still haunts me sometimes.
T.F.D
The Fat D****
(The D stands for my first name)
𓃟
Though i now seem all grown up and still so vulnerable, and perhaps all who knew me know me differently now, perhaps people look at me and even think nothing. How crazy could that be? I did move in and find my luck and i did fight through and received my rewards. But sometimes the monster that held on to me back then, it still places a claw on my shoulder and presses me down on the scale. I have now accepted that i can not see myself in the way i truly am, but others can and i try my best to believe them when they explain how they see me grow or fall. My own problems bother me not that much now. But along with it they do for i seem to have, somehow, infected others with my sickness. A friend of mine now looks at me with eyes that could kill, cheeks that lost colour and a face like a corpse. She must know she is ill, and i should understand that she has come to the point where she doesn't care, but she's different than me. I used to think i begged for attention but she has taken it to another level. I feel so abused by her, even more because she never understood how i was afraid to ever be used again. I hate myself for this, but i hate her monster more. Because i know she is not my friend right now, i know that that monster that still haunts me had taken all of her tiny body and mind and it is holding her to itself like a pet to play with until it's dead.
When i was trying to climb my way back up from the cold and dark abyss of anorexia she threw me a rope, yet she did not see my sickness for what it truly was; she saw it as a cave of wonders. She was shown all the attention given to me because i needed to recover and she wanted it, so bad, that when my fingers could only curl around the edge of the abyss she jumped, and she fell hard and fast. This abyss has shown her wonders, it has made her think that she has gained a name for herself, it has made her feel rich and respected but it doesn't show what the mirrors reflect now and it does not show how we, her friends, suffer just like her, how i suffer not for the attention but because of the guilt and regret.
And other than that do I definitely feel unsafe with this monster watching me. I know it wants me, by now i know it wants the whole world. I know i can't help it, but i also know it is hard to fight it. But i try every day.
