4. To Good To Be True

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I'm still stunned from what I saw yesterday. His name was actually on the volunteer list. Ben Wiser. Though I don't know if he was signing up for what was scribbled over what it originally said which was, volunteer.

I don't know why Ben signed up and my guess is this is just another mean trick Brittany convinced Ben to do, to get back at me for not having her List chosen.

When Brittany told me why she was picking on me I wanted to yell that I didn't put my list in! That I would give up anything for her list to be chosen instead of mine. But obviously she needs someone to blame. So it's me.

I must have stared at the Volunteer list for about an hour studying Bens name on it because I got a worried text from dad wondering when I'de come home.

I biked home not hiding the smile painted big across my face. This day went from hell to heaven and I wanted to simmer in heaven for as long as God allowed me to.

Which was short.

Because then the realistic side in me kicked in picking a perfect way to make that smile on my face into a frown.

Addy, Ben has never noticed you existed before that Wish List because he probably didn't even notice you bump into him last week. Everyone 'bumps' into Ben on purpose. Plus, Ben is so attached to Brittany that he'd do anything for her even if she asked him to lick mold.

The point is, this is just another trick. Another way to make you look like an outcast. Everyone will notice his name on the list and everyone will explode in to theories of how his name got on there and just when all the attention is on me Brittany will smush me like a bug. In conclusion, don't get your hopes up because you are never going to be good enough!

I think about this theory. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The more I hate myself. The more I hate Ben. The more I hate my life.

Except I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to let Brittany win like usual and go on with life with my new reputation as a loner. Though I can tell Ben, no, when he confronts me about helping out with my Wish List.

I'll avoid him and everyone. Go to class, at recess and lunch hang out in the school library or bathroom till eventually the hole situation dies down and life will be back to normal. Though I know I'm far from that anymore.

So when I walk into the school I suck in a huge breath ready to face the whispers and rumors around me. And that's exactly what happens.

I walk in the hallway and everyone looks at me with wide eyes then goes back to their now hushed conversations. There's a crowd gathered round the volunteer list and once one person notices me there, everyone does.

Everyone is as clueless to why Ben signed his name on that sheet as much as I am. But I have an accurate theory.

When I get to my locker threw the crowd, people are around it too. They clear away once they see me and my face goes red once I see the picture on the locker.

Someone photoshopped a side angle of me and then a side angle of Ben, so it looks like we're kissing. In black permanent marker someone wrote on my locker on top of the photo, first crushing kiss.

Everyone kind of just stares at me waiting for my reaction and I'm not ready to give them one. I go to my original plan when anything like this happens.

Run to the library. And that's exactly what I do.

No ones in the library at this hour so I sit in the back of the place just like I have done so many times before.

I look at my watch. Only ten minutes till class starts. Sigh. The minutes seem to go by so slow when your anxious about something.

Just then I hear the library door open with it's rusty creaking hinges. I crawl up into a small ball and try to fade into the wall as much as possible when I hear someone call my name.

          

Not just anyone. Ben Wiser. "Addy?"

At least he knows my name, I smirk to myself. But I pray that he doesn't find me hidden in the far corner of the place .

But knowing me as the shy, anti-social girl he obviously looks in the back first.

And then he's standing down the isle from me. He looks to his right where I pathetically hide and smiles. At me!

My stomach explodes into butterfly's but also nervousness and then also sadness. I know what he's going to ask me and I know what I'm going to say. I'm not falling for Brittanys trap!

Even his smile that makes the inside of me melt is so fake but he's really good at making me convinced that it's real.

He walks closer to me then stops about 5 feet from where I sit. He shoves his hands into his pocket then says. "Hey."

I don't answer like usual and refrain from making eye contact with him lest I do anything stupid. He just stands there while I sit silently for a full minute. I can feel his eyes on me, examining me like a puzzle figuring which best way to make his devious plan work.

I start to get up to leave seeing no use in this awkward situation when Ben steps forward. "I want to help you with your list." He says.

I still can't look at him but try to ignore what he said even though I crave to say something but I just can't. I sling my bag over one shoulder and try to pass him but he just stands in my way.

"Wait. Please let me help you." He says sincerely. Don't let yourself be fooled, Addy. This is just a trick.

I finally make eye contact with him. Looking into his muddy brown eyes. "I know this is a trap." I whisper then blush.

I've never really spoken before to anyone at school. Let alone Ben Wiser! But I feel desperate like I want Ben to tell me that I'm wrong and that sincerely he does want to help me out. Even though I won't do my Wish list. I just need the reassurance that he's actually a good person.

Ben lets out a heavy sigh. "I'm going to be honest with you," he says and I cringe inside. I hate it when people are honest with me. It always means it's something bad. The way he says it just sounds all wrong in his mouth and I suck in a breath knowing it was too good to be true.

"Brittany did set me up to do this." Thats all I need to hear to step forward but Ben blocks me again. "But I don't want to!" He shouts before I can try to pass him again.

Great. Thank you for not wanting to humiliate me and now you can go back to you every day life of ignoring my existence, I want to say.

He ruffles his auburn hair with his football catching hands. The hand that I watched win almost every game. The hand that always holds Brittanys. The hand that I dream of him holding mine. Just like every other girl in this world does.

I'm so red I can blend in with a tomato. I often fantasized about speaking with Ben. What I would say, what the conversation would be like. But once I'm in the moment I just want to run as far away as possible before I do or say anything dumb. His presents just gets me so overwhelmed and flustered.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this but Brittany has been a real pain in the ass lately. Always telling me what to do, how to act and criticizing my every move." No surprise there.

"She's just takes advantage of me, I guess." He scratches his neck. Why are you telling me all this, I practically scream inside my head.

The more he talks the more I get redder- if that's even possible- and the more I sweat and get nervous. I just wish he'd let me go and leave me alone. I kind of liked me observing Ben instead of Ben talking to me. It was just easier to fantasize about this.

"The point I'm trying to get across is, I just want to make Brittany appreciate me and I guess once she sees me helping you she'll respect me more once she realizes I can build my own reputation."

"So basically your using me." I mutter not ashamed at all. My blood is boiling so bad I just want to rip that perfect smirk off his face. I can't believe he actually said that! I knew his signing up wasn't about being all nice and sweet.

I want to scream, cry and yell all at the same time.

"No, no, no," he says quickly seeing me back away. "See, we both benefit. I get Brittany and you get to check off your Wish List. It's a win-win!"

What a self centered jerk.

My nostrils flair. "You think this is about my Wish List? I never entered my Wish List in! Which is exactly why I am not doing it. So no. It's not a win-win."

I'm to angry to even acknowledge that I just spoke more then five words to someone before. But this is just getting me so livid. The boy I dream about daily wants to use me! How cruel can this world be?

"Wait. You never wanted to enter your Wish List in?" He asks in complete shock and I don't see why he's being so dramatic about it.

"No! It was a mistake and now my life is ruined. So if you don't mind, I'll be late for class." I say flatly making a final statement and shoving past Ben before he can block me again.

"Forget about Brittany. Let me just help you out as a friend then!" He shouts as I'm about to leave the library. I stop before opening the door. Don't fall for this trick, Addy. He's lying. There is no common good in him!

"Please, Addy. I didn't realize this hole thing was a mistake. Now I just feel bad."

"Why should you feel bad?" I snap. My eyes begin to prickle, this day just feels like it's getting worse every second.

Ben doesn't answer and I still don't look at him.

"Just tell me. Did Brittany put out that picture of me and you on my locker? Or was that you?" I ask. My voice shaking and tears ready to fall at any moment.

After a minute of his silence I walk out and slam the library's door behind me.

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To be continued...

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