over a decade of disorder

4) eating disorder

HS (post diagnosis by current doctor): anorexic
College (post diagnosis by current doctor): anorexic - binge/purge subtype
Right after Graduating (diagnosed): bulimic / EDNOS
Currently diagnosed: EDNOS
HISTORY & DIAGNOSIS
(written in my point of view at the time)
High School:
I was teased about being muscular & looking manly. I just wanted to be small & look feminine - I wanted boys to ask me out not challenge me to arm wrestle. I googled "how to lose muscle" & realized that the only way was to starve it away.
College:
For 2 years I wasn't obsessed with my weight/ appearance. Since I wasn't doing sports everyday my body even thinned out a little. I gained a little weight during these 2 years and in my Junior year of college i started to lose weight & exercise. Suddenly in the beginning of my second semester senior year I was restricting to 500 calories a day and running on top of the fact that I walked everywhere being in the city.
After only a few months I started to b/p at night - & the amount of food I "binged" on was still a low amount of calories but it felt like I had eaten SO MUCH
After I Graduated:
I had to move to a new city where I didn't know anyone & wasn't able to get a good job - I ended up gaining weight by stuffing my face at a job I hated, being alone when I got home from my job and either going to bed stuffed or staying up all night for no reason eating. This led to trying to restrict like I used to but "failing" and becoming more of a text book bulimic.
I told my mom about how depressed & horrible I felt - these feelings were MUCH worse than anything I had felt when I was in HS or College (( now looking back I realize that my disordered eating exacerbated my depression )) I went to a Natural Healing doctor and tried healthier eating and supplements but I was still in the back of my mind convince I could use these methods as a way to become super skinny
I finally couldn't take it anymore & got myself to a psychiatrist -I admit for the first 2 years I saw him for depression and as a way to get diagnosed with ADD and get medication to help my eating disorder by suppressing my appetite (I am apparently immune to all these drugs bc they did nothing to suppress my appetite) I finally came clean when I was at my lowest point with my bulimia
I started talk therapy too and went through 5 years and 6 therapists - I went to an eating disorder specialist for about 2 years - I think therapy really helped me but at the same time I still have that hole that I cannot fill that I'm still trying to fix
I realized that eating really clean helped so many people with so many severe diseases that I am convinced it can work for me as well. I get discouraged when I eat clean and feel wonderful but come crashing down for a reason I can't explain away with PMS or a stressful day at work

.
Sometimes i think i obsess over my disorder so i dont have to think about anything else - i think that is how it is at work - i put all my focus and energy into hating an annoying coworker - not being able to even hear her voice with out obsessive thoughts about her all day - but now she isn't working here anymore and once i started it has been so easy just to shift my thoughts to something/ someone else - of course that something else is my eating disorder but at least so far its just restrictive and not slipping back into b/p
.
I hate how i have my thoughts and then within those thoughts i have this tiny bit of rational thought - the tiny rational voice says getting sickly thin, a new job, plastic surgery wont really make you happy - while my regular thoughts all say oh yes they will if you get there everything will be better - and since the rational thought is basically a whisper on bad days especially i tend to not hear it at all
I read a book about a girl and her recovery - I had some interesting ED related thoughts while reading it
"why isn't the voice in my head telling me i'm worthless and not to eat?"
"why is it that my punishment for myself is to eat - why can't it be to cut or starve"
my head has ED thoughts running through it - although they sound healthier than thoughts telling you to starve yourself they aren't - they are the voice of someone who's better than everyone else someone who thinks eating a ton of crappy food is ok - and usually when this voice wins i end up purging
"you can so eat that its not like you'll ever get fat"
"you'll have more energy if you eat that sugary candy/chocolate"
"now that you've had sugar you need LOTS of carbs to sop up the sugar - your tummy hurts because you can't handle sugar on its own"
"its not like it matters no one can tell when you gain or lose weight anyway"
i also use bingeing as a way to procrastinate and to not think about anything - for some reason even reading things on the internet that i'm interested in i feel anxious and like i want a snack to calm me down/ help me focus