Chapter 46

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A week later...

Rafaela stopped near a kiosk reading the news. A week later after the disaster and it still could be read "James Hetfield lost his son" on front pages. News like that sold... no one cared about what they felt. Money... only money mattered. Kelly, who was with her, grabbed her arm and pulled her away.

"Come on Rafi, don't read that stuff." Reluctantly, Rafaela began to walk again.

"A week later and it's still on the news." She commented.

"That's why you shouldn't be looking at it." Kelly crossed her arm around her shoulders showing support but without Rafaela noticing a wicked smile formed on her lips for it was being a very difficult time for both James and Rafaela. "How's James?" She then asked showing interest.

"Like a zombie. He doesn't even sleep. He doesn't get out of the house. He spends most of his time locked up in Liam's room. We barely talk... we are a wreck." She confessed in the end.

"I can imagine what you're going through." Kelly said and Rafaela shook her head.

"No you don't, and I hope you never know. It's the most painful feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't be inside the house... every time I am there I hear his cute voice calling for me..." She said with tears in her eyes. "That's why I run away from it all the time and spend little time in there as much as possible. Everything there reminds me of my little boy and it's hard...it's very hard to be there." She started to cry.

"People tend to deal with things their own way. James wasn't at the funeral and you were..." Kelly commented. James hadn't been able to be at Liam's funeral.

"I had to be there... I had to say goodbye properly. Maybe just to sink in that it really happened, otherwise I guess I would always expect him to come inside the house screaming my name. James didn't want to go. I understand him and I don't recriminate him for that. I also thought about not being there because I didn't think I could hang on. I barely did, so I don't judge him for his decision, and I hope no one does, because in fact, we're the only ones that understand what losing a child is."

"I wasn't saying that as a critic to his decision." Kelly made clear.

"I know Kelly, but I know many people do. Unless they understand what we're going through, then it's not a valid critic. James is a mess... I am a mess... we're a mess... our life is a mess at the moment. Our life is falling apart at the moment... so no... no one has the right to point their fingers at him."

"As hard as it seems your life must go on." Kelly told her.

Rafaela nodded. "Thing is where to get strength to go on. I have to take sleeping pills to be able to sleep and James refuses to take them. I am here with you under pills Kelly, so I can keep myself together without going crazy."

"It's all too fresh." Kelly patted her arm. "Don't you have to go home? It's late...James must be waiting for you."

"I don't want to go home..." Rafaela breathed.

"You have to." Kelly insisted.

"Please, have dinner with me somewhere? I don't want to go there... I don't want to go where his stuff is..."

Kelly nodded. "Ok." It served her purpose after all.

Later, when Rafaela got home, the first thing she noticed from the outside was that all lights were shut down, except the one in Liam's room. Sighing, she locked her car and got in the house. She went straight to her room and put her purse and her jacket on the bed, and then she was going to crash on the couch, but when passing by Liam's door she stopped walking and thought for a few seconds. She gave a step ahead, but she turned around and opened the door to the kid's room gently. James was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, hands on the back of his head. He didn't move, only his head turned to look at her. Rafaela sat on Liam's bed looking at him.

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"It's late." He commented.

"I was with Kelly." She said.

"It's past dinner time..." He continued.

"I had dinner with her. Do you want me to prepare you something to eat?" She offered.

"No... I had a sandwich. I'm not hungry." Then they both fell silent. Seeing he wasn't going to say a thing, she got up to leave. Being there was suffocating her. She didn't understand how he could be locked up in there all day. "How can you?" He asked then, making her halt and look back. "How can you?" He asked again.

"How can I what?" She asked a bit lost with the meaning of his question. James got up and stopped near her, bringing his face close to hers but his eyes showed rage.

"How can you? How can you just go on like nothing happened? Being out all day with your friend, having fun..." He accused her. His eyes were swollen and blood shot. He had probably been crying. She could also smell beer in his breath.

"I was not having fun ok?" She said offended with his words. "I am not acting like nothing happened. Don't you ever say that again because you don't have the slightest idea of how I feel!" Her tears prompted in her eyes.

"You act like it! Our son died! HE DIED!" James raised his tone.

"I KNOW!" She yelled even louder. "I could ask the same thing to you! How can you be locked up in here the whole day... the whole fucking day!" She cried. "Want to know why I go out? Want to know? Because I can't stand being at home. I can't stand being here surrounded by his stuff and know that I'll never hear his voice again, that he'll never play with these toys..." She pointed around. "... that I will never hear his laughter or hear him call me mommy. I can't stand to be inside the house because everything here reminds me of him and it's just too painful, so I choose to go out and stay away for as long as I can."

"This is our home." James stated.

"I don't feel like it is my home anymore. I don't want what's inside here anymore because something important for me is missing. I don't want to be here. Want to be shocked with it? So be! But that's the way it goes for me. I just want it all to disappear... I want to wake up in the morning and realize I am just living a nightmare. I would give anything, anything at all to have him back. Don't ever doubt that I am hurting, but I am hurting my own way. We're different, we act different, but it doesn't mean that I am not hurting. He was my son, my baby..." She sobbed. "And I think, I think you should go out too because you're drowning in such depression that it's even dangerous. We need to move on, as hurtful as it may sound we need to move on."

"I CAN'T!" James yelled. "I can't move on... I was the one taking him out of the pool. He was freezing Rafi! When I grabbed him in my arms, he was dead cold. Don't ask me to move on that easily. Don't ask me to pretend like nothing happened."

Rafaela looked at him. "There you are..." She pointed out. "Indirectly telling me that I am being cold about this. The least say it! Say it to my face!" She approached him. "Say it to my face James..." She defied him. "Say it..." She glued her face to his and yelled. "SAY IT!"

James frowned and grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her away from him. He stared at her with his blue eyes filled with tears but remained silent. She turned around and left. Rafaela went to their room and crashed on the bed crying. She was nothing but hurting the loss of her son and it hurt her even more James was thinking she was alright with it. How could he ever question her love for their son? She heard noise in the kitchen, the door of the fridge opening, then closing. Probably he had gone to pick up another bear. She didn't hear him going back to Liam's room, so she assumed he had gone outside. After a while she went there.

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