in between all things

Chapter Forty-Eight

*Jace's point of view*

"I want you all to think about who you're doing this for. Who are you getting clean for?"

The lady, Mara, running this group counselling session looked older than she probably and looked tired, although very interested.

Ash. I'm doing this for Ash.

"Now I want you to remove that person from your mind, because getting clean for them won't keep you clean. You need to get clean for yourself." She glanced around the room, probably looking for someone to talk about themselves. I sighed when her eyes landed on me.

"Jace, introduce yourself and how you feel about being here."

"I've been here for a week. I think everyone knows me."

Mara looked at me in the eyes. "Jace, introduce yourself and how you feel about being here."

"Okay, okay." My eyes wondered around the room and I shot everyone a small smile. "My name is Jace, I'm 19 and being here if the only way to fix a lot of shit in my life so I guess I'm hopeful."

"That's good Jace." Mara said, "Chloe?"

Chloe was around my age, but looked like she had been on stronger drugs. Her hair was thin and her body was scabby.

Chloe nodded and rolled her eyes. "Chloe, 18, and being here is pure shit and it therefore makes me feel like shit."

"Preach" called out a couple other people.

A couple other people introduced themselves while we all just sat there probably torn. I know I was. Drugs numbed all the pain, but it did so much destroying too.

I miss Ash but I also miss drugs. Any drugs of any kind. I didn't really have a preference.

Suddenly Drew came into my head. I could hear his voice. I could hear his disappointed words. The worst thing is that I probably wouldn't be here if he was alive.

I miss him so god damn much and I blame myself. I knew Drew had been struggling but he seemed to be getting better. He was doing okay.

I couldn't help but think though that I should have done something when I found out he was in pain. Because I knew he was in so much pain but I didn't know what to do except get angry. Guys don't talk about pain and that's how it's always been, yes it's no excuse but I was at lost on what to do as I had never experienced anything like it.

"Hey dude."

"Yo Jace, what's up?" Drew asked me when I entered his bedroom. (Through his bedroom door this time.)

"Not much, Ash let me in." I told him as I jumped onto his bed. He was drawing on himself with a sharpie. I laughed and stole the sharpie off him. I rolled up his pant leg slightly to draw on him but I stopped when I saw the burns.

"What are these Drew?" I attempted to roll up his pants more but Drew pushed me away.

"God I just hurt myself on the heater."

I shook my head. "Stop lying, they look like lighter burns."

Drew turned away from me and stood up from the bed. "I'm not lying, Jace. God, mind your own business for once?"

"Mind my own business? You have burns on your leg." I yelled, getting up too.

"And you have bruises all over you."

I looked at myself. "These are from sports you fucking idiot. You know that. Those, " I pointed at his leg. "Aren't from fucken sport."

"Stop yelling at me Jace. That's your problem; you think yelling fixes everything. You can't fight your way through life. It's not fair on anyone."

I rolled my eyes, still angry. "Your problem is deflection. You can't keep doing that."

Drew stepped towards me. "Let it go."

I laughed even though I didn't want too. "You're a dick, you know I always laugh when you say let it go. Fucken frozen."

Drew smiled. "For real, let it go."

And I let it go. And I shouldn't have. And now I'm a bad person who makes shitty decisions, fighting everyone I can.

~~~

"Hey, Chloe."

Chloe looked up at me and then looked back down quickly. It was lunch and we were all shoveling down sandwiches.

"Hi." She said.

"I'm Jace, though I'm sure you remember."

"The hopeful guy right?"

"Yep." I said with a laugh. "What's your story?"

Chloe scoffed. "Forward much."

I waited, knowing that she'd tell me. They always did. Plus she looked like she wanted someone to talk too.

She sighed and smiled. "I was only ten when my drug use started. Both of my parents are active addicts, so it was my mum who got me into it. Shes always acted like a teenager, more like a friend than a mum, and she gave me pills for the first time. I was living with her back then and I started using consistently—taking a bunch of pills, smoking weed, and drinking a lot. The pills were my main thing: Percocet, Vicodin, a lot of downers. I struggled with depression and my parents physical and verbal abuse, so then I started abusing myself with the drugs, cutting, bulimia, anorexia, and the guys I kept bringing in and out of my life. I started acting out like your typical teenage drug addict, stealing and sneaking out at night, but it was all pointless because my mum was high all the time and didnt even notice.

By age 13 I was living in a shelter with mum and my youngest sister. The cops found me there and took me back to my dads. He was very abusive and his own drug of choice was uppers, so I started doing a lot of coke, meth, and ecstasy those next three years. Those became my drugs of choice. I ended up running away from where I was living with my dad. I dont remember all of it, just that I took Xanax, woke up in downtown Melbourne, and never went home again. At that point I didnt have a drug of choice anymore — it was just whatever anybody had, whatever was in your hand."

I swear I'd never heard her talk so much. "Thanks for telling me."

She glared. "You ask me and I'm not done. Don't interrupt."

I put my hands and chuckled." Okay."

Chloe started again. "I contacted an old using buddy and started staying with her and her mum. Her mum and my mum used to get high together, so when I was living with them wed all get high together. A few weeks later my grandparents found me and got custody of me, so I moved in with them. The very next day I snuck out, bought a bunch of drugs and did them all: coke, pills, liquid codeineall this crazy stuff. I wound up at a park where I went into the bathroom because I felt like I was going to have a seizure. Thats when I caught my reflection in the mirror and nearly jumped out of my skin. My eyes were sunken in, I was black and blue, I had cuts all overI didnt recognize myself. I literally thought it was someone else in the bathroom with me, thats how bad it was, and I was terrified—I thought it was a monster. I realize now that I hadnt looked myself in the eyes ever since Id started getting high. Anyways the cops came and then I was given a choice; come here or go to prison."

At that moment I vowed that I'd get better for myself and for Ash.