Contemporary Endearment

Alessia

Stressful days! My schoolwork would usually get done. However, I was so worked up in my issues with my friends all by myself that I didn't study for one of the tests we were taking. I was hoping I did decent enough. However, a few days later, my mother called to yell at me for getting a C on my exam. I hated that I got a C! Hated that my mom kept track of me! She pushed me so hard all the time! I don't know if it were me being naturally sick and tired of it, or if it was just adding to the ghosts of issues already around me. My friends are all angry with me. I hadn't had the chance to meet with any of my friends for some peace or Knox... I was going mad just like at the beginning with no way out. Usually, being so positive, I was struggling to get there. I was being consumed by my stress with everything. I felt a feeling in my throat and stomach like if I was throwing up, but my stomach was empty. It was a terrible feeling. I just kinda got home and ran over to the bathroom, so my mom wouldn't say anything to me. Not yet, I couldn't bear it. I can't do this in front of her..anyone for that matter. I looked into the mirror seeing tears on the surface. I held the sink tight and tried to calm myself down. I looked at myself. I tried to tell myself, "Everything is going to be fine", "one thing at a time", "we can fix this.". All kinds of lies to trick myself into not going to the dark side of my mind. However, As I kept looking at myself, anxiety and insecurity tag teamed in the beatdown of my self worth and right mind. Was it my fault everyone had problems with me? Could I have been so blind to be the problem to all my relationships? Xander and Amina are the only ones who said anything before. Where they just honest to tell me? How could no one else say anything? Maybe Knox just tolerates me because he loves me. What if I'm a terrible person manipulating him for being so sweet? I think too highly of myself. I'm terrible. Plain and simple. Since I was a kid, it was him ...He tried to get me to realize it. Like the rain had cleared, a sun of realization came over. One person brought me clarity, my cousin. He had treated me for most of my childhood. Whenever I was having a hard time, I was quick to ridicule myself. I even mimicked some of the phrases he sued to sue. He always came to my mind. Thinking about him made me more angry and frustrated, but I didn't know where to begin. With more time going into losing myself in an ocean of thoughts, I leaned on the wall and slid down. Just begin to cry with no control over anything. I was shaking and having trouble breathing. Did I reach out to anyone? I'm sure you know what I did. After my moment of the craze, I used the last bit of my energy and the right mind to go to my room, lay on my bed, and sleep.