Becoming the Butterfly

If you'd listen

I wish I could talk to you
Though you're not here or there
if you were, you'd pretend to care

I want to tell you
How sad I am
How the person I love
Can't understand
How I hurt inside
How yes there are times
I do wish to die

How I long to tell you
How I wish I could
Though
The things I've got to tell you
Would hurt you too
So it's not worth the pain
Or hassle
Because I can't hurt you
Like you hurt me
Because
I'm not that kind of person

Though I know
It's not good
To keep things
To yourself
Who am I supposed to talk too?

Who'll be there

Who really even cares

I know you say you do

But how can that be

When you're okay spending
Hours

With them

Instead of me

Them who make me
Feel this way

Them who treat me
Like so

Yet you love them
Anyways

say you love me too

But

How

If

They

Hurt me

Why still love them so?

And

If
That's
The
Case

Do you love them more?

I can't talk to you
You won't listen
You don't understand

You won't ever get it

that's ok

I'd rather you not
Because then you'd hurt too

If you understood

What it was

To have no one
Nothing
Care about you

I've no one to call mom
No one to call dad
No where to call home
My dog(best friend) dead

Now there's just you
Whose only been here
3 yrs

doesn't matter
What you say
Only what you do

I learned to not trust
Everything I hear

Because no one
Heard me
When
I
Asked
For
Help

So I watch people instead

At the end of the day

You'd choose them
Wouldn't you?

So
You may not
Want to choose sides
Or believe there's sides too
Choose

But know

I don't want my children
Should I be able to
Be around toxicity like them
Especially
If I did that
For you
Me
And my
Kids

Why shouldn't you do the same?
If the toxicity levels
Are  elevated
From where I came

Why do I have to ask

No
I'm done asking

Tired of waiting

Done waiting
For you

Figure out
Who
You really are
Because
The person
I want to
Spend my life with

Wouldn't hesitate

Wouldn't make me feel crazy

Would care that I hurt

Would want me to be happy

So please
Love me
Or
Leave me
Just
Fucking
Tell me

Where do I stand?
Am I first
Am I last
I need to know

Because I have put off
My dreams
To help yours
Yet you
Have given
Up
Nothing

You haven't lost anything

You haven't
Given up anything
For me
Or to have me
At all

Yet

I have nothing
Now
I'm hurting
More than I have in a while
But This time
I know

I can't cut the pain away
I can't scream
I can't sing
I can't draw anymore
I can't tell anyone
My best friends dead
no one
I've tried to talk to
Wants to listen to me

So
What can I do
But write a poem
No one will read
For some time

Just to leak
A
Little of the emotion
Let it seep
So the cage
I live in
Can't explode
So my brain
Might let me sleep
Without nightmares tonight
So my heart
Might ache
Instead of
Cry

So my emotions
Stay in check
And may hide

Because who cares
If you're dead inside
As long as you're physically alive
Right ?

Is this how my life will be?
No
Not for ever
Because
I'm different
Than before
I know
If I must
I will leave
start again
And
Again
And again
Until
I've reached my goals
My dreams
My happy Ending