Nothing To Lose

24 - darling everything is on fire

There was a gentle pat on his head that prompted Beam to wake up. When he slowly opened his eyes the first image that he saw was Forth with his back at the headboard of the hospital bed.

"Hey.."

Beam's voice was raspy. He fixed his hair and yawned.

"How are you feeling?"

Forth only smiled at Beam's question. He then shakes his head.

"What's wrong?"

Beam sat up. Forth stared at him with a smile and tears at the brim of his eyes.

"Tell me what's wrong? Do you feel any pain? Should I get the doctor?"

"I did it again, didn't I?"

Forth finally answered. Beam fell silent. He didn't know how to go about the question. He gave Forth a smile. And for some reason Forth instinctively clutched on his chest.

"You should have gone home, baby. You didn't have to keep watch the entire night."

Forth was staring down at his lap and fiddling with his hands. Beam reached out. His fingers slipped between the spaces that were meant for him. Forth's face lit up as he looks up to Beam.

"How are you feeling?"

Beam asked again not minding what Forth just said.

"There's this pain on my knee."

Forth sounded like a kid who got hurt from playing too much.

"I'll call the doctor." Beam said worriedly. Forth tugged on his sleeved.

"It's okay baby. He was here a while ago. I already spoke to him."

"Why didn't you woke me up?"

Beam fixed the blanket around Forth.

"You were sleeping, baby. You seem tired so I didn't want to bother you. I wanted you to rest."

Forth caressed Beam's cheek.

"So I have some explaining to do." Forth had a torn look in his face, dreadful and hopeful at the same time. Hopeful that Beam would understand the mess that he did, dreadful that Beam might not.

Beam sat on the bed. His hand rested on top of Forth's thigh careful not to touch his knee. He sighed and waited for Forth to continue.

"You weren't supposed to receive that."

Beam gathered that Forth was referring to the mail from this morning.

"So why did I?"

"It was a mistake, baby. Remember when we were on that island? Remember that?"

He could feel that Forth was almost pleading for him to recall that part of his memory.

How could I ever forget?

Beam smiled and nodded.

"I do."

Forth's face instantly lit up.

"That was around t-that time that I sent that. It was b-before we- we fix things."

Forth was stuttering and could hardly keep up with his words. Beam touched his cheek.

"I understand everything. Your employees filled me in with the delivery issue. You don't have to think about it anymore. Okay?"

His hand was caught by Forth. It was brought to his lips and he kissed it repeteadly.

"That divorce-delivery-mail whatever that is has troubled you enough that led to this. I don't want to see you.. in here a-again." Beam realized his voice was shaking. His sight got misty as he continued to speak. Forth remained on holding his hand in his chest.

"I almost had a heart attack yesterday. Did you know that? Please don't keep things from me anymore. Please.."

Forth kept his head low, ashamed and guilty of what he did.

"Can you do that for me?" Beam felt a drop of water on his hand currently on Forth's chest. He lifted his face and was stunned as he saw Forth with tears running down his face.

"I just keep on messing things. No matter what I do. No matter what I fvcking do I always end up hurting you."

Beam felt the frustration and seething anger from Forth. The way he held his hand suddenly turned too tight for comfort. Beam immediately moved closer to him. By pulling his hand he pulled Forth near to lock him in an embrace. Beam stroked Forth's head on his chest.

"You didn't want any of this to happen. You can be mad at the situation. But not on yourself."

Beam kissed the top of his head. He felt Forth's arms slowly snaking up around his waist. Beam knew Forth was beating himself up right now. And his heart beats painfully knowing that no amount of consoling can easily remove that.

Forth is playing the blame-game. And he is playing it all alone. Beam let Forth sob on his chest. All he could do was stroke his back and kiss his temples. Later on, the sobbing stopped. He glanced down at Forth and realized he had fallen asleep.

"My baby." Beam whispered.

Forth slept through until the following morning. Beam could only stare at him or touch him as he sleeps. When they drove home Forth was silent on the passenger seat. He was staring outside the window. He was deep in his thoughts.

"I'm going to bed." Forth said the moment they entered the house.

"Let me help you up the stairs." Beam placed their bags down on the floor.

"NO! I.. I'll do it on my own." Forth eagerly answered. Perhaps too eager.

Beam nodded, slightly taken aback at Forth's sudden outburst. He brought their stuff to the living room and then sat on the couch. He sighed. The entire house is silent. Beam didn't want to dwell too much on what he feels. It might just have been his anxiety kicking in. He busied himself in the kitchen and once he was done, he went to get Forth.

"Babe?" He called out, slowly opening their bedroom door.

Beam looked at Forth's figure. A gloomy aura radiating from him. His back fully exposed with the blanket draped around his waist all the way down to his feet. When Beam didn't hear any answer he walked to the bed. The cushion dipped as he laid next to him. Beam stroked Forth's arms.

"Are you-" Beam looked down and noticed Forth has been awake this whole time. "-awake.."

"Forth? Is everything okay?" He asked softly.

The sinking feeling starts as he watched Forth stare into nothingness, blinking every now and then. His lips drew into a thin line. Beam gently shook his shoulders.

"What's wrong?"

His heart slowing down its pace in a painful beat.

"Nothing. I just want to stay here in bed."

Forth's voice was devoid of energy and warmth. It was filled with a troubling tone, one mixed of dread, confusion, and sadness altogether.

"I cooked breakfast downstairs."

Despite the unsettling pinch inside his chest, Beam still attempted to be cheery as he could.

He's been through so much.

"I'm not hungry."

The least that I can do is be here for him.

"Come on, babe. Let's head downstairs. We could watch a movie or use-"

"Later."

That one word silenced Beam. A rejection so condensed in a five-letter word that it hurts just as much as a punch in his face. He looked at Forth one last time before he sat upon the bed.

He didn't even look at me.

And that hurts Beam more than the word 'later' ever did.