Balance of Probabilities // Billie Eilish

you should see me in a crown

I had to bite my tongue when the tenth person who I didn't know gave me their condolences and prayers for the twins and I after having lost dad.

And Billie picked up on my anger and frustration straight away.

So before I could yell at anyone after the funeral, Billie took the twins and I back to her house and pulled me into the backyard where I lounged in between her legs.

"Talk to me Alex" her hands stroked my stomach under my black blouse.

"It doesn't feel real. I'm an orphan, we- the twins and I are orphans" tears I thought I cried out already cascaded down my face and my body began to rack in sobs against Billies warm, safe chest.

When I got the call that dad passed in his sleep, I didn't believe it.

When we drove to the hospital to say our goodbyes and do paperwork it still didn't feel real.

When his body was being lowered into the ground, I didn't believe his body was in there.

But with the numb void feeling of being parentless slowly starting to settle in everything is beginning to become very loud and overwhelming.

"I just want my dad back. I want my mom back. I want my family to be whole" I cried into Billie's chest as she rocked us back and forth on the cold floor of the back porch.

And the worst part is there is no one to blame his death on. It just happened to our luck. Losing two parents in the span of under five years. 

"Baby" Billie whispered, a tremble in her voice.

I peered up to see the tears spilling down her pale cheeks making me feel guilty.

While I cried and mourned, I didn't once think how Billie felt about all of this.

She lost someone in her life too.

Although their time together was short, she and dad created an unbreakable bond. One not even death could break.

While I took the Ava and Aiden to get food, Billie kept dad company and when we got back he had the brightest smile on his face I'd seen all day.

And it was all because of Billie.

And I love her even more for it.

Not uttering a word I reached up to wrap my arms around her neck as she cried silently into my neck.

"Lex?" a timid voice called out from the house.

There stood Ava and Aiden, who were watching Billie cry with unshed tears in their dull eyes.

"Let's go lay down baby" I told Billie and stood up with her, securely wrapping my arm around her waist as we walked back into the house.

Taking Aiden's hand I led the four of us to Billie's room and somehow, we managed to squeeze ourselves onto her bed and cuddled up under the covers, there was even enough space for Pepper to wedge herself between Aiden and I.

"Do you think he died in pain?" Ava's voice bounced off the silent walls.

"No baby" I reached over and held Ava's hand "I know he died dreaming of us, and now he's looking down with mom and watching over us until we join them"

"Yeah A, Lex is right. I know he died in peace thinking of us" Aiden added.

Finally, as I lay with the three people in the world, I love the most. I didn't feel so alone in the process of mourning my now passed dad.