They had only been together for a few months - Ten months, twelve days, 4 hours and 9 minutes to be exact - but everyday Y/N would wake expecting a message of goodbye from her lover, or an empty bed.
She couldn't help the thoughts. She was just built that way.
The conversations in her head would get old quickly. I wonder if he still wants me. He's a rockstar, he could have anybody. Why isn't he sick of me yet?
Lover of mine, maybe we'll take some time.
He was distanced, more than she was. She refused to ask any questions for fear of rejection, so she let her admiration of him cloud her peripheral.
She had tunnel vision for him, and she wouldn't want it any other way.
Ashton adored the woman who often shared his bed. Many nights spent laughing until their sides would ache, or talking about things he would usually keep secret.
He knew where his heart belonged, he was just scared of giving it to her completely.
Both of them had been burnt too many times in the past but, while Ashton hides his heart beneath a suit of armor, Y/N wears hers on her sleeve. She is blinded by her infatuation with the man she is happy to call hers.
Kaleidoscope mind gets in the way.
They're both so terrified of losing the other.
I hope and I pray, darling, that you will stay. Butterflies lies, chase them away.
Y/N knew that she was being ridiculous, but she couldn't help the jealousy she felt when Ashton was so open with others, and so closed with her. She couldn't help the countless nights spent staring at her form in the mirror questioning if she was good enough for her celebrity boyfriend.
She didn't know, but every she was in Ashton's arms, dancing around his lounge room, laughing at a joke, cuddling while watching a movie, sitting with him as he teaches her the drums; he was yearning to give her more.
More that she deserved. He just didn't want to lose her because of his busy lifestyle.
Dance around the living room, lose me in the sight of you
But then every time he would look into her eyes, his worries would melt away and he would want to give her everything.
He was just scared to see her leave.
Y/N had seen the positives and negatives of the limelight in her time with Ashton, and before that. She had been friends with Calum long before she was introduced to the drummer who caught her eye.
She knew a minority of the fans could be harsh, but she also knew that most of them simply wanted the guys to be happy.
She just couldn't help but think Ashton wasn't happy with her.
I've seen the red, I've seen the blue. Take all of me deep to where your secrets hide, where we've been a thousand times.
She felt as if there was so much she didn't know about her lover. But there was also so little he was comfortable telling her.
She didn't know much about his family, or his life before the band. Or his past relationships, or the causes for his trust issues. He figured if he told her, he would lose her.
Y/N was an open book with Ash. She gave her all to him, and she only wanted the same in return. But he was terrified.
I'll never give you away, 'cause I already made that mistake.
It took another two months before he started to open up. He told her about his childhood, his struggles with his father and his issues with depression.
It broke her heart to hear of her happy boyfriend once being so hurt.
He was terrified that the information would make her walk out, but instead she kissed him.
"I am always going to be here for you, Ash." she whispered to him.
They drifted off in his bed that night, but she whispered the three words he had been longing to hear when she thought he was asleep.
When I take a look at my life, and all of my crimes, you're the only thing that I think I got right.
In that moment, he decided he would give his all to the woman. He wanted to be the man she deserved.
She knew she shouldn't have said it, for fear of him hearing, but she couldn't keep it hidden anymore. Hell, she wanted to tell him every day how much adoration she held for him, but she didn't know if he was ready to hear it.
Would he say it back? Would he be uncomfortable? Did he even feel the same way?
I'll never give you away, 'cause I've already made, already made that mistake.
He found Y/N a few weeks later standing in the bathroom. He watched as straightened up after brushing her teeth. She moved clumsily. It was a running joke between the two of them, that while Ash had the grace of a swan, she was like a baby deer taking its first steps.
He loved it about her.
She had left the en suite door open, and he took a seat on the bed while he waited. She hadn't noticed him, but he watched as she observed her skin; checking for any blemishes.
He adored every movement she made. She was his favourite movie, and he could watch her do the most unexceptional tasks with complete interest.
Which is also how he noticed the way she lifted her shirt and twisted her body to gaze at her stomach. The way she pulled the skin on her neck to tighten it. The way she pinched at the flesh of her thighs. Especially, how tears began to fall from her eyes.
It was only when he stood to walk towards her that she noticed his reflection in the mirror. Her tearful eyes widen and the door closed behind her.
All he could hear was the sound of the shower afterwards.
Lover of mine, I know you're colourblind. I watched the world fall from your eyes.
His mind instantly went to the memories of time he spent doing the same. When they made it big, he grew very insecure about his body. Fans were always commenting on his looks, so he felt as if any change would make them unhappy. He worked hard to stay in shape because of the pressure the media would put on him.
Hell, he got caught in one photo with a less than impressed expression on his face because it had been a bad day, and the paps ate him alive for months.
He dealt with it, and now he's more comfortable in his own skin, but he couldn't stand the thought of his girl dealing with it.
He wanted her to know how beautiful he found her. How he adored every inch of her.
How much he loved her.
All my regrets and things you can't forget, light them all up and kiss them goodbye.
He waited for her in the lounge room, and put her favourite vinyl on the record player, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons' best hits; because she could never decide which record was her favourite, he bought her the best hits. She has played it to death.