Luz's P.O.V
I pushed the door open, seeing Amity walking towards the exit once again. She hasn't spoken to me since the day she kissed me which drives me crazy sometimes because I know why. She feels bad for kissing me but me, I don't regret that kiss. Sure, I don't know exactly how I feel about Amity but that kiss has changed a lot. It's opened up my eyes about what she feels, about how much she really does care for me.
"Luz, Luz Noceda!" My therapist snapped her fingers and brought my attention back onto her. I shook my head as I realized that I wasn't totally listening to her and instead I was thinking about Amity.
"Ah, I'm sorry, I was just lost in thought." Eden leaned forward and kept a close eye on how deep I was thinking. My hands were fiddling anxiously as I realized how long I was thinking about her.
"About who or what?" My head lowered as she asked that, I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or not about how much I was thinking of Amity lately. She's taken up a lot of my mind and it's scary yet exciting at the same time.
"I was thinking about...Amity. I haven't stopped thinking about her since she kissed me, which was only two days ago yet I feel like it happened a while ago!" There I went again, ranting about what Amity has done, she's infested my brain, every single cell and crevice of my brain was infected by thoughts of her.
"She kissed you? How did that make you feel?" My hands now gripped my knees as I dug my nails into the skin without meaning to. I shut my eyes as I thought hard about how to answer her question.
"Honestly, I don't know how it made me feel. Like she's taken over my mind but I'm not sure if I feel happy or sad or mad that she kissed me." Eden nodded her head as if she understood, maybe she does understand me.
"Do you remember the emotion you felt when she kissed you, the moment she kissed you." My mind flashed back to that moment, how much emotion she put into one single kiss. The second her lips were on mine I felt scared and confused, yet happy?
"I felt so many emotions at once. I felt scared, confused, and a little happy, I'm not sure why. After she pulled away though, all I felt was confusion and anger." Eden raised her brows, curious as to why I was angry at Amity for kissing me. I'm not one hundred percent sure on why I was either.
"Go through each emotion you felt at the time and tell me why you felt that way." She folded her hands in her lap and I finally unclenched my hands from my knees, resting them in my lap.
"Well, I felt scared because I wasn't sure what to think of the kiss. I was scared that my boyfriend, Zander, would see us. Most of all, though, I was scared that Amity was kissing me because she confused her own feelings. I know her though, she always knows exactly what she's feeling which is why she kissed me. She kissed me because she loves me and that's why I'm confused." All these feelings were built up inside of me and I couldn't believe how much I was holding in since that kiss.
"Confused, hm, why were you confused?" I took a deep breath, looking her right in the eyes. I was hesitant on telling her why I was confused because it was hard to explain but I knew I could tell her anything.
"I was confused because she kissed me and at the time I thought that maybe she didn't understand how much a kiss meant. It was stupid of me to think that because she knows exactly what that kiss meant, it meant she loves me. But why in the world does she love me? That's why I'm confused." Another nod from Eden and I knew she was listening intently. She urged me to keep talking, keep pouring my feelings out about Amity.
"I've hurt her so many times and put her through hell and back that I just don't understand how she could have such strong feelings for me. It just doesn't make any sense, you know?" My hands flew in every direction as I spoke, showing how frantic my thoughts were.
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"I can see why you're confused, now tell me why you were sorta happy." I took another deep breath and collected my thoughts. I knew exactly why I felt sorta happy when she kissed me but a part of me didn't want to admit it.
"I'm just going to blurt out the truth before I end up not telling you, and the truth is that I think I feel the same way about her," Eden gave a small smile and her eyes lit up with happiness, "So there, that's the truth." I threw my hands out, saying it as if it was so simple and easy to admit but it wasn't.
We sat in complete silence for a minute, just looking at each other. I didn't know what made her eyes light up with happiness or what made her smile. She seemed to be brighter after I told her the truth. The second I said those words everything in her expression turned up. Was there something she knew that I wasn't catching on to?
"Now, this boyfriend of yours, what's he like?" Why did she change the subject to him out of nowhere? There's a reason she did and I'm going to figure it out, hopefully without telling her how abusive Zander is.
"He's amazing, he treats me like I'm the best person he's ever met! We talk a lot about each other's lives and who we used to be and have become. We've...we've had a lot of good times together." It felt awful to be lying, like the words coming from my mouth weren't actually mine.
"Luz, you don't have to tell me everything but I can see that you're lying. You know you can be honest with me, right? I'm here to listen and talk to you, not to spread what you say to me. What's said here, stays in here." Eden said it so sternly that I believed her. My eyes darted to the side, looking at the coffee pot that was sitting on a table about six feet from me. My heart sped up a bit, knowing that what I'm about to do was going to change some things.
"So yeah, I did lie. I lied about all of it. He's not great, actually he's the worst, he treats me horribly. When we first started being friends and started dating, he was amazing. For some reason he is just using me, he's abusing me every day. He either abuses me mentally, emotionally, or even physically." I pause, taking a second to make sure I'm not about to break down into tears, "He told lies about Amity that I know aren't true. He's manipulating me every second he's with me and it's driving me crazy but I don't know what to do."
Eden watched me as tears started falling down my cheek and I couldn't help but break down. The heavy weight on my chest was crushing me, it was almost too much to bear. I wrapped my arms around myself as all of the tears I was holding up just let loose. It felt good yet awful to tell someone about what he's been doing to me. Sure, Amity knows but she found it out herself, Eden found out because I told her.
"Luz, I don't give advice that much but if you haven't told your mom, you should. Keeping this to yourself, keeping it away from your mom may just make things worse. Try to tell her." The room seemed to be darker, matching with the depressing feeling deep inside my chest. I knew she was right, if anyone besides Amity should know about this, my mom needs to know.
"You're right, I should tell her. I'm just scared because he's threatened me so many times that I'm scared to even talk about him to anyone." Eden laid her hand on my shoulder, causing my head to snap up. She looked me directly in her eyes and pulled me into a hug.
The hug wasn't tight, it was comforting like someone had wrapped me in a blanket. She's only hugged me once but it wasn't as sincere as this. I can't believe that just a few weeks ago I was dreading the moment I would have to step foot into this office, and now look at me. I can't wait to come here now, to get all of my feelings out.
I still needed to ask Amity why she was coming here. I'm guessing it has something to deal with her parents, but is that it? Was she coming here because of me as well? Just like how I'm coming here for her, maybe we're here for similar reasons, maybe we're not.
