He was right. Sleeping does make everything better. Only after a few minutes, I opened my eyes and everything felt different somehow.
Better.
I can still feel the pain and guilt eating away at me, but at least now it's in smaller bites. Easier to deal with.
I looked at my hands and noticed a purplish bruise on my wrists from when Shawn caught me before I fell.
I haven't been able to get a word out, everytime I try to speak, but it's like sandpaper scratching my throat. And my eyes hurt.
My mind is trapping me inside, and I can barely see what's going on in the world- it's shutting it all out.
There's no way out. I'm just stuck in the darkness, forced to battle my thoughts.
It's lonely here.
I miss him. In my mind, I'm only haunted by my memories and nightmares. My mind is horrid, I hate being stuck here.
What's worse is I don't even know how to get out.
I just want to hear something other than myself for once. I yearn for Shawn's voice, so much that I could care less if he was yelling at me or not, I just need to hear it.
I miss the real world. There is no difference between keeping my eyes open or closed, except for the fact that I get nightmares when I close them.
But sometimes I get so tired that I force them closed. Right now, something was different.
For the first time, I could hear a voice direct me to go to sleep.
Was that- Shawn? It couldn't have been, I can't interact with the real world. I struggled to get a word out, anything at all.
"Okay," is the only word I could manage to get out before excruciating pain emerged from my throat and I groaned, closing my eyes.
Why do I have to suffer like this?
My nightmare ended and I opened my eyes, breathing heavily, but it was different.
I could see myself in our bedroom. This is just a figment of my imagination. This isn't real, it isn't real.
But it felt real. The white sheets under me, the bright light above. This is just my mind playing tricks on me.
It knows how much I want to be here, so it is mocking me to make me feel more pain.
I feel like my mind is playing tricks again when Shawn stumbles into the room, bleeding practically everywhere- his wrists, his feed, and his shirt is bloody and a shard of glass protrudes from being wedged into his lower stomach.
Thank god this isn't real. If it was, I would probably faint.
He looks at me for a brief moment, but then his eyes roll back and he falls. I hear a thud and see his body fall right beside me. Tears cascaded down my face as I broke the physical barrier and threw myself onto the floor beside him.
This nightmare is scary. I hate it, I hate it. Make it stop.
I touched his cheek, shaking him. Is this real? Please don't be real.
"I-" he groans as he passes out. Is he dead? God, he can't be dead. I reach for the phone and dial 911.
Even if this is a nightmare, I won't be mentally okay until I know he is safe. i can hear his heartbeat.
The moment I feel his blood on my fingers, I know this is real. My mind could never create such vivid imagery, a feeling so intense and overwhelming that it caused me to hurt this much.
How did I break the barrier though? I blink, once, twice, but nothing changed.. I never felt that surge of darkness surround me to the point that I would suffocate.
Is it too early to celebrate?
I watched as the people in uniform carried him away, and they accompanied me in the ambulance. This is my first time being inside an ambulance.
I never thought I would have to.
The operators spoke to me, and I nodded, pretending to hear what they said as I stared at his body across the stretcher.
What the hell happened? Did he- do this to himself? Why? Because of me?
I just wanted to see his chocolate brown eyes again and feel his arms encaged around me protectively. I'm so, so selfish.
Please be alive. I'm okay now, see, you never had to do this, just come back to me so I can have you in my arms.
The ride out of the ambulance and into the hospital was definitely hectic, and it didn't help that reporters were swarming like flies. How do they know where we are all the time? It's hella creepy.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room gave me lots of time to think about my life.
There are the stages of grief, and I'm still on the first one: denial. I'm pretending that it didn't happen, waiting for someone to say, "April Fools," and everything can be okay.
I know I will have to face it sooner or later. My guilt is eating away at my conscience, and if i think too much my mind starts to hurt.
But I've been getting horrible nightmares that i can't control, and at random moments in the darkness the wave of reality would hit me and I would completely break down.
The doctor also checked up on me and prescribed some antidepressants that I picked up at the pharmacy next door. Pretty convenient.
I'd been in a hospital before, just like this, when mom died. It brought painful memories, so i tried not to focus on that. I want to be by Shawn's side if he wakes up.
When* I meant to say when, not if. Big difference. Get your act together Amber.
A nurse passed by and informed me that Shawn had awakened, so I rushed to the room.
Shawn P.O.V.
Fuck, I'm not dead.
That's the first thing that crossed my mind as my eyes sprung open and I found myself in a cold, empty hospital room, left only to hear the sound of the beeping heart monitor.
This hurts like shit. I try to sit up but immediately groan with pain. Damn, I didn't think this through at all- This pains more than when I walked on the glass pieces.
Maybe it's good I didn't die. Maybe, just maybe- I stared at the empty visiting chair, and just for a moment, I saw the image of Amber sitting on the chair, smiling at me, holding an adorable little baby who was wrapped in a blue blanket.
Fuck. I snapped out of it. I'm wrong. It would have hurt less if I died.
I heard a choked sob and turned so quickly my neck could have snapped. It sounded like-
I held my breath as I saw her. She had blood all over her clothes- probably mine- hopefully only mine, and she looked tired as hell, but still so beautiful.
Is this real? Or just a figment of my imagination?
"Shawn, I-" she tried to speak, but her voice was muffled as she stood closer. She then pulled me in for a bone crushing hug, quite literally because pain shot through my body like waves.
