"hey you." i said, crouching down time be level with you.
i let the umbrella balance on my shoulder as a gave your grave a hug.
"it's been a while, hasn't it?"
it had. the grass had grown over were you lay now, making it seem like there was never a hole there. it blended seamlessly with the world around you, and there was nothing special about it anymore.
i felt suddenly alone and isolated. it was serene here, and i couldn't imagine another being alive in this plane of existence i was in right now.
but then i heard a bird singing and i realized so much was alive around me.
the grass too, was alive. the grass that covered your grave.
i reached a conclusion, then, and it gave me some comfort. so i'll always believe it.
you will live on. you will live on right here. and if i ever miss your warmth, i'll just visit you again.
i sat by your headstone, slightly leaning on it, and took out a blanket. the ground was wet but i didn't care much anymore. i wrapped that blanket around us and felt your warmth again.
actually, it was my warmth. because in chemistry we had learned that heat travels from hot to cold. and so that heat was traveling from my arm to your stone.
still, though. it was your warmth i felt.
we sat like that, listening to the birds and the rain. i liked when it rained like this, because the cemetery was more quiet.
so the two of us could be alone now.
it wasn't until the rain picked up that i finally decided i had been with you long enough.
"you know, yesterday my teacher gave me a paper to write. he told us to write about a time we felt love, and a time we felt the opposite of love. it made me think of you."
in my mind, i could imagine the excited look of confusion on your face as you waited for me to explain further.
"i used to think the opposite of love was hate. but it's not."
i'm sure you'd still be confused.
"the opposite of love is indifference. when i believed that hate was the opposite of love, i thought i no longer had to love you. if i blamed you enough, i would eventually hate you. and then i could move on. but i was wrong..."
the imaginary you in my mind began to fade away, and i frantically tried to grasp onto you.
but i think you had understood now, what it was i really wanted to say.
i understood it too, finally.
and so i took it as my cue to say goodbye.
"so then here. i will leave all of the memories i have made with you, because they are too much for me to carry alone. i always will wish you would be here to carry them alongside me. but you're stronger than me, so take them all. anytime i miss them, i'll just come back and visit you, and we can share them together."
i knew you'd smile at that.
i placed my hand on your headstone for a moment, then reached up to wipe a tear. i smiled then.
"good bye danielle. i love you."
•••
that night there was thunder, and it had gotten dark faster.
there was an energy in the storm that made the world feel ominous to me.
i sat down at my desk and pulled out the sheet of paper from earlier.
the rain was falling now, slowly. in small taps on my roof.
the paper held one line: "the opposite of love is hate."
i pulled out an eraser, but then hesitated.
this line too, was part of my story.
the rain fell harder now.
i got out a pencil and began to write my essay.
that essay began: "its quite an undertaking to start loving somebody..."
and it ended with: "i love you."
