"He's..." Ben felt like he'd swallowed shards of glass. "He's not gonna make it?"Luke closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "it's a miracle he's made it this long. Han was on death's doorstep when Rey found him, I honestly have no idea how he even made it through the night. The doctors don't know either, he was obviously fighting for something. Ben, I know you and Han have always had your differences but I promise you, you need to listen to him, or else I know you'll regret it forever. Please hear him out, he could die at any moment. I'm sorry you're going to see him like this, and remember him like this." Luke apologized.
Ben nodded slightly but didn't say anything for the rest of the car ride. Replaying the memories, both good and bad of his father. Ben felt his palms sweat and his heart rate sped up as Luke parked the car in the parking lot.
Anxiety took form and Ben could hardly keep himself from fidgeting. Him and Luke stayed silent throughout the walk, the elevator ride and until they reached Han's room. Luke put his hand on Ben's shoulder and gave him a sorrowful look before giving him a gentle pat and turned around to return to the lobby.
Ben stood in front of the door, feeling like his feet were cemented into the floor. He shouldn't be this nervous to see his father but here he was. Open the door. Come on Ben. You can do it.
He took a deep breath and his hand covered the handle and pushed open the door. The sight before him would forever burn in his memory.
His father was thin and pale as snow and looked brittle, like with one wrong move he'd break in half. His eyes were swollen, black and blue, he had patches of bruises all over his body. Ben could hardly imagine what the rest of his body looked like under the blanket. Han was hooked up to machines and wires to no end. Seeing him this immobile hurt Ben. His father, good or bad, was always larger than life and full of energy. Seeing him in this state must've hurt his father more than anything Ben was feeling.
Ben opened his mouth to speak but he was lost for words. He shifted his weight awkwardly and he must've made some identifiable noise because Han's head turned to face him. His eyes opened wider which looked painful, "who—who's that?" He half whispered.
Ben gulped, "hi dad."
Han raised his eyebrows and his mouth opened agape. His eyes then widened and with his quivering hand, beckoned Ben to sit by his bedside.
Ben did so without a word and sat next to his father. Han's shaky hand pointed at his son and he whispered, "B-Ben? Is that really you?"
"Yeah, it's me dad. How are you feeling?"
Han stifled a chuckle that sent Ben back into the memories of his past when him and Han would laugh after playing a prank on Leia. "I'm feeling better now, kid. Damn, look at you." Han's lips twitched up into a sideways smile.
"Changed a little bit huh?" Ben joked.
Han flashed him his infamous smirk, "just a little. You've still got your mom's eyes. She looked at me the same way since she's seen me here."
"Oh...I don't know if I should apologize. Pity is not something the Solo's like."
Han touched Ben's hand and he felt a rush of warmth shoot up his arm and into his body. "You've got that right. You've kept the family name, no longer Kylo Ren?"
"Kylo Ren is dead." Ben answered affirmatively.
Han nodded and squeezed Ben's hand, "I'm proud of you, kid."
"Why? How can you say that?"
"You've grown you so much. You know who you are. I'm sorry I never got to teach you that. I suppose I should apologize for a lot of things I did to you back then." Han's raspy voice spoke. Ben jumped up and retrieved some water and gave it to his father to accepted it with shaking hands.
"Let me help you." Ben offered, as he watched his father struggle with the seemingly simple task of drinking water.
"I've got it." Han responded with an edge to his voice.
Ben wanted to disobey him, but like him, his father was too stubborn to ask for or accept help. "Dad, I do have one question for you." Ben said quietly as Han finished his glass of water.
"What is it son?"
"Did I do something when I was six? That's when you stopped being around and wanting to bond with me. Did I say or do something that made you see I was as fucked up as you said I was?" Ben fought the tears in his eyes—as the memory of his parents fighting and hearing those exact words coming from his father—washed over them both.
Han closed his eyes, regret washed over his face. "Ben, none of that was ever your fault. You never said or did anything to change how I felt about you. You're my son, and I've never properly showed you how much I love you."
Those three little words were enough to part the clouds in Ben's mind that helped him escape the grey, impenetrable fog inside his mind. "I was stationed in Afghanistan, I was sent on a mission to take out a group of terrorists. In one of the villages, I watched a group of extremists round up all the children and line them up and shoot them like they were animals. I was too busy trying to put our main guy in the car to take him to interrogation and I couldn't stop this group of people from doing that.
"The worst part was hearing the parents scream and bawl. They ran to their children and held them in their arms and cried and sobbed uncontrollably. I remember seeing myself and imagining that was you. I've made lots of enemies in my time, both on trips and at home and they could get to you if they tried. I heard about child abductions, shootings and I'd watched men I've known for years, my second family, die in explosions and watching their families live with the aftermath was too much for me.
"I came back from that trip a changed man, but I should've ran right over to you and hugged you so tight. I never should've had the opposite reaction. I felt emotionally distant after that trip because it really put things in a wrong perspective. For me, you were old enough to remember me, and if something were to happen to me, you'd remember it and you'd never be the same. It was easier to push you away and fight with Leia because I didn't want to put you or her in jeopardy because I became paranoid that someone was always lurking and ready to take you away from me. Pushing you away and saying things that I have never, ever meant was so sick and wrong and I'll never forgive myself for everything I ever put you through.
"Ben, you've made me so proud. I hate that you had to grow up so fast and believed, probably until now, that I didn't love you. I always have. I never showed it in the ways I should've. You were never afraid to stand up for yourself and those you love. You always stood up for your mother in the later years you were home. I should've seen a therapist so much earlier, the longer I went away in missions, the worse I got. I became depressed and couldn't sleep at night because all I would see or dream about was what I'd seen on trips or I'd imagine it was you being taken or killed. When you were nine, I never slept because I would imagine it was me doing those things to you and Leia, and it was like I was in a trance. I couldn't stop myself, I would watch myself do these unspeakable things to you and her and I would hear my voice screaming to stop but I couldn't.
"I feared that I was dangerous and that if I were to snap, I would actually do these things and hurt you. Nothing could snap me out of it, I only escaped it when I was away. Drinking helped erase it for a little while but after a few months, it stopped working. It made it so much worse. I was angry all the time and I had become a completely different person. I would see you and it was like I was locking myself in a cage. I could see you, I wanted to touch you but I feared that if I got too close I would hurt you or lose you and there would be nothing I could do about it.