I replayed everything back in my mind over and over but, it still didn't make any sense. Why would I say those things to Lena? Why would I agree to leave her alone and unprotected?
Sitting in my Mustang a few miles from Lena's house, I had pulled off the side of the road and let the darkness engulf me while I tried to sort through my emotions. I let myself speak out of anger and I had to deal with the consequences of my words. I let Lena feel like I was abandoning her and that was the last thing I'd ever do. Still, she kicked me out and she had every right to do so. I deserved it for being an asshole.
The reality of everything began to sink in hard as the sun started glowing on the horizon. I wanted desperately to drive back to her house and beg her to forgive me but, if I were her, I wouldn't want to see my face at all. No, I had to give her time and space and then I could approach her again.
Turning on the loud engine, I revved the Mustang and sped back to the hotel. It had been awhile since I stayed there but I made sure to keep my room available in case of emergency. This, definitely qualified.
As I got to the hotel and pulled my overnight bag from the trunk, I tried to ignore the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me I had lost her. Even as the hurtful words were coming out of my mouth and I saw the devastation on her face, my anger and jealousy was too overwhelming. Even though I knew I was hurting her, I couldn't stop myself.
That was how much Azrael got under my skin. I warned Lena that he would try to weasel his way into her life and that's exactly what he did. My worst fears concerning Lena and Azrael were coming true and I made it all worse by overreacting.
How as I supposed to protect Lena from Azrael now that she wanted nothing to do with me? I could only keep an eye on her so closely when she hated my guts. More that that, we had just given Azrael what he wanted—me out of the picture. There was no doubt in my mind that he would use this time to get closer to her and poison her mind against me.
Fuck.
No matter what Lena did or what her reasons were, I loved her more than anyone or anything in the entire world. She was endgame for me and nothing could change that. The way I spoke to her wasn't okay and she was out there believing that I didn't love her.
I could never stop loving her.
So, how the fuck did I make things right?
First things first, I had to fight the urge to rush back to her house and beg for forgiveness. Lena needed time and she needed space from me. I was horrible to her and if I tried too soon, we would get nowhere.
I also needed to let my brothers know that I was okay after I completely bailed on them in California. They would freak out once I told them the details of what happened. No one, and I truly meant no one, had ever tousled with Azrael and lived to tell someone about it. I had cheated death multiple times with him and for one reason only—Lena. It was because of her the he let me live.
Once I took a shower and settled onto the bed, not bothering to undo the covers, I called Eli and was surprised when he picked up. It didn't take me long to fill him in on everything because I was a blubbering mess. I could feel the tightness in my throat but I'd be damned if I started crying.
"Wait, hold the fuck up," Eli scoffed after I stopped talking, "you mean to tell me that Lena made a deal for us—for the three of us?"
I paused before replying, "yes, and that's why Azrael was at her place."
"Were they fucking?" Eli asked blankly and the rage that erupted inside of me was enough to send my fists through a nearby wall but I refrained and instead, bit back my anger as best I could.
"No, they weren't fucking." I snapped at Eli and he immediately realized his error.
"I'm sorry, I just mean if they weren't...you know...then," he started but I cut him off.
"—he was in her fucking house, Eli!" I yelled over the phone, forgetting that I was in a hotel room where the walls were only so thick.
"I'm sorry!" Eli offered. "All I'm saying is that you're looking at things from a jealous boyfriend's point of view. Try looking at the bigger picture. Do you realize what she tried to do for us?"
Yes, the fact that Lena was ultimately trying to help us, wasn't lost on me but it only made me feel worse knowing how I treated her. "I'm aware." I said slowly, my jaw clenched.
"I mean, I don't know a human that would make a sacrifice like that." Eli said, adding salt to my wound at that point. "I think she's the reason you're alive—the reason any of us are alive. She's the reason we just collected 250 thousand dollars."
"What?" I blurted out.
"Yeah," Eli added, "we got paid even though you bailed. We even got a bonus. At first, I wasn't sure why but now that you told me about Lena, that's got to be it. Azrael is still holding up his end of the deal."
"Fuck Azrael." I spat, not giving a single damn how generous he was or how fat the paychecks were. He was ultimately the reason I was about to lose Lena for good and I couldn't let that happen.
"I get it, okay?" Eli sighed, "I hate him, too but let's not get cocky. We are still no match for Azrael and since you mentioned the anchoring to him, we might need another plan."
"We have the money for Copenhagen." I added.
"The tree of life and death?" Eli asked.
"It was the only other thing we found, right?" I asked rhetorically before continuing, "if I can't anchor Lena to me, maybe we can just get rid of Azrael once and for all."
"Whoa...slow down." Eli urged me but, I was too wound up as I rose from the bed and began pacing. Eli didn't want to upset me but as usual, he was the voice of reason, "you know what Tessa said about balance."
I recalled the warning that Finn's enchantress friend Tessa gave us when we first discovered the rumors on the pages of warn parchment at Moorehouse. I understood her apprehension and no one better than a reaper could appreciate the concept of balance but, I was out of options.
"We should take a closer look." I said anyway.
"Why isn't anchoring still an option?" Eli asked as if I hadn't just told him the horrific story of how I may or may not have lost Lena forever.
"She hates me." I reminded him.
"For now." Eli laughed at me although I failed to see the humor. "In a few days, she'll be less angry and she'll begin to remember the things she loves about you. She'll miss you and that's when you can apologize."
"You sound like you have experience." I said to my brother.
"You wouldn't believe." He chuckled. "The point remains, give her some time and you'll be surprised. I saw how much she loves you—the fact that she did any of this to begin with, shows how much she loves you."
I was struck hopeful by my brother's words and I needed to believe that he was right. If not, I didn't know what I would do without Lena in my life. If she wanted me gone, in the end, I would respect her decision but it would kill me.
"Finn and I are keeping our eyes peeled over here for anything that might help and if you need us, just let us know." Eli offered. "We shouldn't have another job for at least a week and if you need us in Cedar Falls, we can be there."
"Thanks," I replied, "but, you both should stay at Moorehouse. If I'm playing with fire out here, it's best you guys stay away."
"That's no excuse to do reckless things, okay?" Eli asked of me but, he knew that I was planning to do just that. "Don't go taunting Azrael, understand?"
"Yeah." I lied but, Eli didn't buy it. Before he could call my bluff, I told him that I would update him when I had something and hung up the phone.
My brothers were safe and sitting pretty with the job's latest payout. I, on the other hand, had major damage control to take care of in the coming days. I could only hope that in that time, Azrael didn't make an appearance or start any more trouble. I was already on thin ice with Lena and I wouldn't blame her if she took longer than a few days to forgive me.
It was Tuesday night and Lena would be working at the club. I knew that it would be ill-advised for me to show up there but, I had to make sure that she was okay. Azrael had shown up to the club uninvited multiple times and recently, in the parking lot. If I couldn't sit at the bar, I could at least keep watch from a distance.
Before I could do anything else, I needed to sleep. I was running out of adrenaline and my body was about to crash hard. I was in a safe place and I had time to burn so I set my alarm for sundown and allowed my body to succumb to the inevitable exhaustion that consumed me instantly.
While I slept, I dreamt of Lena of course and as I feared, I replayed the disaster in her living room over again. My mind over exaggerated what really happened and played on my deepest fears. It was horrible and I found the my usual deep, impenetrable sleep had turned restless. Each time I tried to close my eyes again, I was met with the same, dismal dream.
By the time my alarm went off, I was grateful for the reprieve and forced myself out of bed for good. While I had gotten maybe four solid hours of rest, it was better than nothing and I was anxious to get to the club. Lena would have already started work and while I didn't plan on going inside, I had to make sure that she was safe.
I took another shower, more for my nerves than anything else and got dressed in joggers and a tank. I wasn't planning to see Lena and I needed to be ready if Azrael showed up. I would be signing my death certificate if I challenged him again but, what else could I do if he dared?
Trying to push the what-ifs from my mind, I got into the Mustang and headed to the club. When I pulled into the lot, I saw Lena's truck and Jacob's truck but it was what I saw closer to the entrance that caught my attention.
A red fucking motorcycle.