Black Honey

twenty nine

Bringing Sam home was even more difficult than I thought it would be because neither Jake or Josh knew what had happened, and truthfully I didn't either. I still was unsure as to why I was listed as Sam's emergency contact instead of Jake. As I rang the doorbell, Sam's arm draped over my shoulder, I thought more and more about it. I'm sure there was a simple explanation, but I wouldn't be getting it from Sam anytime soon, so it was pressing on my mind. Jake opened the door as he did, nonchalantly and half naked, until he saw it was Sam and I and his expression altered. 

"Y/N, what happened?" 

"I wish I knew Jake. He got into a car accident and has mild amnesia apparently. I was listed as his emergency contact, so I brought him home. Can you take it from here?" 

He nodded, pushing a stray strand of hair behind his ear. He helped Sam over to his room as I made my way over to the front door. I turned back to look at Sam one more time before I left. 

"Bye, Y/N." He said. 

My heart hurt, and I scrambled outside quickly before I let my emotions get the best of me. 

*JAKE'S POV* 

I wasn't sure what happened, but seeing Y/N brought me some relief. At least I knew my idiot brother was in good care. I helped Sam over to his room to rest. I had seen enough movies about people who get amnesia to think I had some idea of what to do. I stalked over to Sam's bookshelf and pulled a black, leather-bound notebook off of the shelf. 

"Sam, this should help you to remember." I said, dusting the top off. 

"What is it?" 

"Your diary." I chuckled. 

"I had a diary? You read it?" 

"Of course I did, dingus. Now here, see if it helps. I'll be in the other room if you need me, just shout." 

I handed the journal to Sam and left him to his own devices. 

A FEW DAYS LATER... 

*YOUR POV* 

"Hello?" Jake's voice came from across the line. 

"Hey, Jake. Just checking in to see how Sam's doing?" 

"Um, he's been in a bit of a funk. I gave him his old journal to try and jog his memory and he's having a bit of an existential crisis." 

"Oh god. Should I come over? Do you need help?" 

"You can. I don't think I can get through to him like you can." 

He was right, and I knew it. 

**

"Sam?" I asked, knocking on his bedroom door. 

"Come in." He said. 

He was still in bed, the drapes closed tight over his windows. Tissues were in disarray all over his bed and floor, the trash bin practically filled to the brim with them as well. I felt a pang of sorrow for Sam, I couldn't imagine what he was going through. 

"Sammy?" I asked. 

He looked at me, no words leaving his mouth. I just sat beside him and rubbed circles in his back. There was really nothing I could do, but be there for him. 

My phone rang, lighting up with Alistair's name. I had filled him in on Sam's situation, but may have failed to mention that it was Sam. I couldn't leave Sam like this, but I also couldn't tell Alistair that, because he wouldn't understand. I let the call go to voicemail. He knew I was with my friend, so we could talk about it later. 

"I'm sorry." Sam said, so softly I thought I had imagined it. 

"What for?" 

"I was so horrible to you. So fucking horrible. Yet, here you are, taking care of me." 

"Sam, you weren't."

He handed me a small notebook. I thumbed through it curiously, seeing passages dating back to when Sam and I first got involved. There were also passages about Roxy. The entries were short and always ended in a song that described his emotions. 

"Sam, this doesn't mean you were mean to me." 

"Yes it does. Those entries, I'm remembering bit by bit how it felt to write them. I'm remembering how I felt and I felt horrible. I felt horrible for hurting you, Y/N, but I just kept doing it over and over again. You kept forgiving me. I don't know why you did. I never deserved someone like  you." 

"Sam, it's all in the past." 

"I'm living in it, Y/N. I'm a product of my past. "

I didn't know what to say to that. We were all products of our past, but Sam was reliving it as he was trying to remember. 

"Y/N, can you tell me something?" 

"Huh?" 

"Is it too late?" 

"What do you mean?"

"For us? Is it too late for us?"

"I don't know, Sam. Focus on getting better." I said. 

"But-" 

"I'll be in the other room if you need me." 

"Okay. Thank you." 

I left the room, hurriedly and found Jake just outside, eavesdropping. 

"You heard all of it I assume?" I asked. 

"Just about." He nodded. 

"I don't know what to do." 

"Don't do anything." 

"What?" 

"He can't keep relying on you like this Y/N, and you can't keep letting him either." 

"I don't let him." 

"Yes you do, because you still love him." 

"No, I don't." 

"Y/N, cut the crap. You're not in high school anymore. You're an adult, and you're married,  but you love my brother. Don't let your marriage end the way Sam's did. Tell Alistair. He deserves that much. You deserve happiness and what makes you happy is something only you can truly know." 

I didn't know what to say. Jake had just laid out my problems, the ones I thought were complex and jaded, plain and simple right in front of me. I loved Sam. I did, but I didn't know if I was ready to throw away the security of my marriage for him. I couldn't have my heart broken again. Jake was right though. I needed to talk to Alistair. Once and for all.