Letters to Senator Bonteri

xi

This chapter will not be a letter, but from changing povs. I will make clear who's pov it is and when.

Ahsoka POV

I returned from work to see Nyx sitting on the couch, seemingly waiting for me. I could feel the anger radiating off of him. Was he mad at me? I thought. I've never seen him mad before, what could I have done to make him like this?

He saw me walk in, and didn't say anything. I tried to sit next to him, but he moved away. I didn't know what was troubling, so I decided to ask.

"Nyx, what's wrong?"

This only served to anger him more it seemed. He pulled something out from behind him, and threw it at me. My heart stopped when I saw it. It was the collection of letters I had been writing to Lux. He had found it, along with all my secrets. My past life, the Jedi, Lux.

"Nyx, I-I can explain!"

"Can it Ashla, or I guess that's not even your real name! Just like your love for me was never real! You led me on, I loved you, but it seems you were just using me! You never truly loved me. You've only ever lied to me. You lied about your past, you feelings for me, even your name! You're just like every other Jedi. Selfish and arrogant."

I just hung my head. What he said was right. I had lied to him, used him, all while being in love with another, who probably forgot I even existed. I couldn't even muster the courage to say anything.

"I never want to see you again. Get your stuff and get the hell out of my life! You will never get to experience real love. I'm just glad you can never be with that Lux kid." He said laughing.

I got up from the couch and walked to my bedroom, packing up what few belongings I had and stuffed them into a backpack. The whole time I was crying. I didn't know why, I never did love Nyx. Maybe it was because he was right, right about everything. I was no different than the Jedi I left, I was a liar and I was deceitful, selfish and arrogant as he had said. Worst of all, he was right about Lux. I'd never be able to be with him, never be able to experience real love. He had Lily and had probably all but forgotten about me, just like he said in his note.

I walked out of the house. I was alone and an emotional, crying mess. I pulled the hood of my cloak over my head and wondered around aimlessly, no destination, and no where to go.

Soon, it started to rain. I looked around for shelter, but found none. Suddenly I realized where I was. I was in the senate district. I thought about seeking out Padme's help, but I couldn't do that. What if Anakin was there? I couldn't face him, not after what I did to him. I was so deep in despair that I didn't feel my feet moving. When I finally realized, I was standing outside of his apartment. Suddenly my feet moved on their own again, and I was standing right in front of the door.

"This is a bad idea," I muttered. I tried to turn and walk away, but something wouldn't let me. Something kept me there. Slowly I raised my hand to knock, but hesitated. What if he doesn't remember me? What if he doesn't want to see me? Even if he does, he's with Lily, I can't do this to him... or me.

But, again, my body had different thoughts. My hand moved and knocked on the door. "No going back now," I mumbled.

I heard the shuffling of feet towards the door, and suddenly it flung open, and Lux was there, standing in front of me. "Who are you, and what do you want?" He asked tiredly.

I didn't respond. I was frozen there staring at him. He looked the same as he had the last time I had seen him in that coffee shop, except for the fact that he was slightly taller and his hair was a bit longer.

He waved his hand in front of my face. "Hello? Coruscant to whoever you are. What do you need? I'm tired and want to go to sleep, my girlfriend is waiting for me."

My heart broke a little when he called Lily his girlfriend. I started to cry more. Thank the force he couldn't see past my hood. I couldn't find words. I hadn't been expecting to be here, not today, not ever. 

We stood in silence for a few more moments, he seemed to be growing more impatient by the second.

"This was a mistake," I mumbled as I turned to leave.

"Hey!" He said, grabbing my wrist. I had my back to him when he did so, and the jerk caused my hood to fall down.Shit. I froze. Would he remember me? What would he do? Hell, what would I do?

I heard him gasp. "A-Ahsoka... is that... really you?"

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Lux POV

I was just about to head up to sleep when I heard a knock on the door. What could someone possibly need at this hour?

I stumbled over to the door, opening it to reveal someone standing there. They had a cloak coving their whole body and face so I couldn't see who it was.

"Who are you, and what do you want?" I asked, trying not to sound like a jerk. The person just stood there, not moving or saying anything. I waved my hand in front of their face. "Hello? Coruscant to whoever you are. What do you need? I'm tired and want to go to sleep, my girlfriend is waiting for me." I didn't know why, but I thought I saw the person wince when I mentioned my girlfriend.

There was another silence before the person finally spoke, "This was a mistake," I heard the person say. I now identified the person as a female, but something seemed familiar about the voice. I couldn't tell what though.

I saw her turn to leave, but I needed to know who this person was. "Hey!" I shouted grabbing her wrist. The jerk from he stopping her caused her hood to fall, and what I saw made my stomach churn. She was a togruta female, with lekku striped white and blue. I couldn't believe it. There was no way it was her. I hadn't seen her in over a year, I thought she was dead. 

Then I felt guilty. I had cut her out of my life without warning, and never thought to ask Padme or Anakin or anyone if she was okay, let alone seek her out.

Breaking from my thoughts, something caught my eye, something sparkled in the light of the porch. It was a silver bracelet with a blue gem in the middle. I gasped. This was the same bracelet I was going to give Ahsoka, but I could never muster the courage to do so. I had made it for her, and only her. How had she gotten it though? I had kept it in my room, no one knew about it, not even Lily.

"A-Ahsoka... is that... really you?"

I didn't get an answer. The girl, whether it was Ahsoka or not, had broken from my grasp and ran away. I tried to catch her, but she was too fast. I stopped and stood there, watching her go, then something caught my eye. It was a notebook and it looked like it had come from the girl. She must've dropped it in her haste to run.

I walked over and picked it up. What I saw on the cover made me freeze. It was a picture of me and Ahsoka that had been taken on Onderon. There was something scribbled under it, but it had been smudged from either the rain or tears. He saw a title written on the book next, Dear Senator Bonteri, it read.

I opened it and began to read, read everything. How she felt about me, her exile from the order, her running away, her trial, I never knew, I never thought to ask. I could feel tears streaming down my face as I read more. I read about how she found out about me and Lily, and how she felt. I read about Nyx and how she still loved me, even though she was with him. Finally, what crushed me was the letter about how she had broken into my apartment and found the letter and bracelet. I could feel her hurt, the feeling of betrayal in her words.

I felt like an ass. I had abandoned her, just like everyone else in her life. While I was living the high life as a senator, she was just scraping by. I just sat there in the rain, crying my eyes out. I had made so many mistakes, and I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it all.