Sea Change (Acosta Series #1)

Chapter 41

I didn't heal. I didn't move forward—my mind had just forgotten the pain that had hurt me so much before, but my heart hasn't yet. It continued haunting me. It didn't stop. The wound that I tried so hard to heal has opened again. Parang sa isang iglap, lahat ng paghihirap ko noon, nanumbalik sa 'kin. Parang unti-unti, pinapatay na naman ako. It feels like it wanted me again to lose hope and to suffer again.

I was devastated. I was so tired, broken and in a mess. I don't know anymore how many times I tried to kill myself. I kept myself in the dark for a long time, but then, eventually, I found a new reason to live. Yara. My butterfly and my hope. I was once able to be free from all this pain—but not any longer. Piece by piece, I was being shattered again.

Babalik na naman ako sa umpisa. Sa simula kung saan durog na durog ako. Kung saan hindi ko na alam kung paano ba maging ayos at masaya. Kung saan hindi ko na alam kung ano ba ang pakiramdam na buhay.

Paano ako babangon? Paano na 'ko magiging ayos ulit?

Akala ko, nabaon ko na sa hukay 'yong sakit, pero hindi pala. Akala ko ayos na 'ko. Akala ko hindi na 'ko masasaktan. Akala ko kasi matatanggap ko na. Akala ko makakausad na 'ko, pero hindi pala.

Si Yara. Ang anak ko. Ang aga niyang bawiin sa 'kin.

I didn't even hear her first word. Her first mama and dada. Her first step. Her first nursery. Her tantrums. Her first time eating food with us. Her first movie that she'll get addicted to. She, who is waiting for us to return from work, came running to us when she's finally done with her classes, showing us her test score. Her kisses and hugs.

Lahat, hindi ko nakita. Hindi ko naramdaman kasi ang aga niyang kunin sa 'kin.

It really hurts when I think of her. Anak ko siya, pero ngayon, wala na siya. The world is cruel.

Bakit kasi gano'n? Na kung kailan naka-ahon na 'ko. Kung kailan masaya na kami. Kung kailan maayos at perpekto na ang lahat, bakit kailangan pang masira? Bakit kailangan pang may sakit na kapalit?

"Can't... can't we just be a happy family?" I whispered and smiled bitterly as I held the picture of us.

I loved and admired my daughter's smile. I could remember how her giggles make my heart skip a beat. I always fall in love with her eyes because she makes me feel completely safe and it calms me down with her blue-green eyes.

She's like an ocean to me, filling me with nostalgia and a sense of belonging and home. When I gave birth to her, I knew I had found a new purpose in life: to care and love for her as she became a part of me. That's why I named her Yara Gaven, because she's become my new beginning. She made me feel complete, and whole. She brought me joy and gave me hope. She... reminded me of how wonderful it felt to be loved again.

But only for a short while.

Kasi lahat, may hangganan.

Na kahit anong pilit nating pigilan, kung oras na, wala na tayong magagawa, kung hindi tanggapin na lang.

But, why her?

If only I had just let my parents bring a body guard with us, maybe they could stop those monsters. But, could it even stop the room service from getting my parents drugged? Could they stop Doravella's evilness? Alam kong malabo, pero sana... hindi nakuha ni Vance si Yara. Sana, hindi nawala ang anak ko.

Kung naging malakas lang ako para labanan si Doravella, baka sana, nailigtas ko ang anak ko. Baka may nagawa pa 'ko para mabuhay siya.

Kaso wala na. Kahit anong iyak at pag-sisisi ang gawin ko rito, wala na 'kong ibang pagpipilian kung hindi ang tanggapin na hindi na mababalik ang anak ko.