Just One More - Troian Bellisario fanfic

Four

I dragged myself into school this morning, not particularly wanting to go but not wanting to be at home either. I need the distraction but at the same time I'm physically, mentally, emotionally.. drained. My eyes feel heavy and so does my body. Factually, I know that it isn't. I know I weigh much less than I should but sometimes carrying the weight of everything on top of the weight of me feels like such a huge burden. I know I'm small. But knowing and feeling are two separate things. I know that I'm underweight but I feel so big. I don't just feel big as in fat. I'm not as vain as anorexics are stereotyped to be. I feel noticeable and I feel like I take up so much space. I feel like I'm in the way, in everyone's way, and when people try to help me I feel like such a waste of time.

I'm late again. No surprise there. I knock on the door of my first lesson; English with Miss Bellisario. I used to be so good at English, my dream was to study it at university and become a journalist... now I'm lucky if I can even string together a sentence. I don't feel like facing anyone today. My mind is racing, filled with numbers, calories, weight, steps, grams and grams of food, fat, fat, fat, carbs, weight. My breathing is short and shallow and tears prick the back of my eyes just thinking about the food I'll have to eat if my nurse realises what my weight really is at my appointment later. I snap out of my thoughts when the door opens. Miss Bellisario takes one look at me and closes the door behind her, she places her hand on my shoulder and guides me a little further down the corridor. I don't say anything until she does.

"Ava?"

I look up at her and try not to burst into tears. I don't know what is wrong with me today but I'm so low and honestly I feel like I could break at any minute.

"Okay I know you're late but I'm guessing that's not what's wrong... what's going on Ava? I don't think I've ever seen you this sad."

I swallow, "I don't want to take you away from class, it'll take ages for me to explain everything but I'll be fine, don't worry about me please."

She glances at her watch, "okay well, class is over in 10 minutes. I can dismiss them early and we can have a chat if you feel able? Ava bottling things up will get you nowhere, if you need to cry - cry! I'm not going to judge you. Just let me help."

I nod, "well, I'll wait here then."

She dashed back into the classroom and within about 30 seconds the entire class has shot out of the room, god I've never seen them move so fast.

She beckons me in and I sit down next to her. Ringing my hands and shaking my foot in an attempt to burn something, anything.

She places a hand on my leg and shakes her head, "Ava? Come on I know what you're doing."

"Sorry I just - I"

"It's fine, I get it. But you can't afford to lose any more you get that right? Now are you going to tell me what's making you so low and, well distant? Or is it too hard?"

"No it's not that I just - I - well I just feel like I'm wasting your time is all."

"No. There's never going to be a minute where that's true, start from the beginning."

I nod, "well... I'm supposed to be seeing my community nurse this afternoon and... I weighed myself yesterday and it wasn't, well it wasn't good. I thought it was higher but I obviously have done worse than I thought."

I glance down and stop talking for a minute. I'm so disappointed in myself and even admitting that I'm struggling is such a massive ordeal.

"I get that. I think when you're this unwell, it's so easy to let your head trick you into thinking you're doing okay when really, it's quite the opposite. So what will happen at your appointment today sweetheart?"

"My nurse said a while ago that I should've been in hospital, and my weight was a lot higher than it is now. I've been avoiding seeing her for weeks so she has no idea. But I can't - I can't - I don't know. I can't bear the thought" tears start rolling down my cheeks and I start to sob, more and more with each racing thought. "I can't go into hospital. They'll take away all the control I have." I just put my hands over my face, wanting to scream but only able to cry.

"Oh Ava, darling come here", She gets up and pulls me into a hug, muffling the sobs and trying to give me some sort of reassurance.

"I can't take it anymore", "I'm so sick of thinking of nothing but food. But I don't know how to fix it. I feel so..."

worthless, ugly, greedy, disgusting, horrible, fat, vile, out of control, useless, stupid, crazy, hopeless...

"Trapped."