Wolfstar Oneshots For The Soul

Wastes Of Time

Summary: There are many fics about long nights full of love and comfort, and yet we rarely ever see the aftermath, the morning after, the embarrassed side eyes and half-hearted excuses. 

A/N; This is because I wanted to try writing something other than hurt/comfort but I only ever write hurt/comfort so anything else is out of my (hurt/)comfort zone

Sirius opened his eyes groggily. He felt like something was different, he wasn't in his bed, and oh god he was holding someones t-shirt. He shuffled carefully and his eyes widened when he realized the the t-shirt in question belonged to Remus. He squirmed trying to escape the werewolves tight grasp his face heating up as the events from the previous night came back to him. Why on earth did he feel the need to pad over to Remus' (out of all the three possible options) bed because of a fucking nightmare. He was pretty sure he started crying, or maybe he just talked a lot, he sometimes did that, late at night. He hoped he didn't say too much, it was so hard not too past midnight, specifically when Remus fucking Lupin is so good at asking questions. It was when Remus finally woke up that he realized he hadn't unclenched his hand from the shirt. He awkwardly did so quickly scrambling out of the bed the moment Remus' grasp was loose enough. 

The black-haired boy yanked the curtains closed and sat on his bed placing his hands to his temples. Fuck. How could he have slipped up that bad. He had to be more careful. He could've said something really worrying, or important, or embarrassing. Hell, the whole situation in general was embarrassing, he was clinging to Remus' shirt. He was vulnerable and weak and oH for CroWleY SakE why did this have to happen to him. 

He felt very exposed as he changed into his school clothes. He was also quite aware that Remus was expressing no signs of shame or embarrassment, 'yeah no shit, he didn't come to you because of a fucking nightmare'. Sirius wracked his brain trying to recall what exactly he told Moony. It could have been anything from 'I'm tired Mooonyyyyyyy' to 'I love you' or 'I was recently disowned by my family, and there are some funky scars on my back, would you like to see them?' and there was no way of knowing what he said. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

They were in the great hall for breakfast. Breakfast, the most normal, least intimate meal of the day.Sirius purposefully sat diagonally across from Remus in a meek attempt to be as far away from him as possible. He couldn't make eye contact without blushing, which was earnestly like washing a cut in salt-water and vinegar. Talking to James made it a lot easier, well, of course until he reached forwards for the milk-jug at the same time Remus did, their hands awkwardly brushed. And if it had been anyone else or any other day, It wouldn't have been awkward, but Sirius made it awkward by immediately retracting his hand and widening his eyes staring at Remus. Remus was used to this by now. Sometimes it took Sirius up to a week before he became normal again. Depending on what he could remember from the specific night in question. 

Classes were just as embarrassing. Any word that reminded him of what happened in the vaguest sense made him burry his face in his hands. 

He essentially ran away whenever a potential moment where he'd be alone with Remus would arise. 

And worst of all, no matter how many times Remus said 'Sirius, I know you're awake' late at night Sirius refused to talk, and if Remus came towards him, he immediately take up all the space on his bed and pretend to sleep. It was very transparent. 

This time it took about two days before Sirius gathered exactly what to say. Remus found it slightly amusing, because every single time, he would say essentially the exact same thing. 

They were in detention together, sorting old letters, or files, or some sort of papery thing, Sirius' dyslexia was making it hard to really tell what the fuck was happening, not that he really cared. 

Sirius gathered his breath ready to start his sentance with 'moony' then realizing that sounded childish and settled on. "Rem?" Which he also found sounded slightly off, but he couldn't over think for too long because 'Rem' replied. 

"What's up Siri?" Remus turned around trying not to laugh at the new nickname. 
Sirius bit his lip slightly. "Um, well, two nights ago-" 
Remus sighed slightly, it wasn't overly obvious, but both Sirius and Remus knew this had happened before. 
"When I-" Sirius scrunched up his nose slightly. He hated admitting to stuff. He was most certainly a denier, you could have photos of him doing something and he would still claim it wasn't him. Hell, he'd deny practically anything you threw at him. 
"When" He inhaled again. "when-I-went-and-slept-in-your-bed" He muttered insanely quickly squeezing his eyes closed as if it were physically painful to say. He couldn't dare make eye contact with the taller boy, which some how made it a million times worse for the blue eyed bastard. (sorry angel) 

"um, I was really sleep deprived" He started shifting his week. 
Remus was taking care to make direct eye contact. Once again, at this point, this had happened so many times, that Remus felt as though it was his literal duty to make it as awkward for Sirius as possible. He was not going to let his boyf- sorry best friend de-validate his own emotions without at least making it uncomfortable. Perhaps it was a mis guided attempt to make Sirius actually admit he feels stuff. A strangely mis guided attempt, yet an attempt is sometimes all you can do. 

"And, well, kind of, like, totally out of it" He said with a laugh and started pulling at a thread at the hem of his sweater. 
"I'm not totally sure if I said anything-" He broke off the sentence with an uncomfortable "Um, weird, I guess, and uh- Well, I wanted to just, er, re-iderate that I was really very, um insanely sleep deprived, so if I said anything and-" Sirius was rambling. He was saying the exact same thing in about a thousand different ways. "Meant nothing and-" Remus bit the inside cheek to stop himself from rolling his eyes. 
"Sirius" The taller boy had finally had enough. 
Sirius stopped talking and glanced up at Remus. "Hmm?" 
"You had a nightmare" He started slowly, trying to be as gentle as he could, and trust me, it was getting hard, to have this same conversation almost weekly. Sirius shifted shamefully wishing he could get out from Remus' gaze. 
"And you were scared" He continued. Sirius grimaced slightly at that word. Scared what a stupid fucking word.  He opened his mouth to protest but Remus shook his head. 
"I don't want to hear more excuses Pads" Remus whispered. "You told me you felt alone and-" 
Sirius cringed. "Please stop Moony, I don't want to hear about what stupid touchy shit I said-" He said trying to pace, unfortunately the small-filing room, was well, small. Very small. Remus grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. 
"We talked, if you're really going to be a pain in the arse about it, then I won't go into detail about what, but Sirius, whatever you told me, was very real, and it was important to you two nights ago, so I don't see why you turn around and say that it's not important at all, that it's some sort of joke, It's I don't even know, aggravating maybe? That you finally talk about things, and then you turn around and say that it didn't mean anything, because that's the thing about you, you never mean what you say, do you?" Remus sighed.

Sirius shifted. It would be so easy to say he never meant anything he said, but Remus was clever, Remus could see right through him. His stomach was doing flips, he was cornered. 

"If you're going to just deny ever needing help, or comfort, then stop, you wouldn't come if you didn't know that you wanted to talk- If talking to me is worthless to you than please just stop" Remus was trying to put it lightly, but he was so fed up with helping the boy, and being there, and then being told that it was worthless, and that everything that happened the night before meant nothing. 
"no- Remus it's not like that it's-" Sirius started. 
"It's what?" Remus said sharply, maybe a little more harsh than he intended. 
Sirius glanced at his shoes. "it'sembarrassing" He mumbled. 

Remus sighed slightly. "Sirius-" 
"No- It's embarrassing Remus, I'm fif-fucking-teen and I need to go lie in your bed because of a fucking nightmare, it's embarrassing  and it would be so much easier if it just didn't happen-" He mumbled. 
"But it's kind of a good thing that it does happen right?" Remus asked softly. 
Sirius nodded. "I just never know what I'm going to say and-" 
"Well maybe you shouldn't care, maybe it would be easier if you just said it all, that way you'd never have to worry about-"
"It's not that easy" Sirius snapped. 
"Trust me Black, I know a thing or two about keeping secrets" Remus replied. 
Sirius exhaled. "maybe I will, not right now" 
"And that's perfectly fine, just stop pretending-" 
"Yeah- Yeah I get it, just- yeah" Sirius went quiet furrowing his brow awkwardly filing things as the unfinished conversation lingered heavily in the air. 
"Just don't get all weird on me again yeah?" Remus snickered. 
There was a muffled groan coming from Sirius whose face was burried in his hands.