Sayonara: To End The Beginning

" I am Selfish "

[ HIRO ]

Falling in love is like holding up a candle. Initially it lightens up the world around you. Then, it starts melting and hurt you. Finally, it goes off and everything is darker than ever, and all you are left with is the burn. ~Syed Arshad

The time I decided to be just friends with Eijie senpai is maybe the hurtful feelings of acceptance ang letting go. The only left in my hands is the memory of his touch and my heart is empty but still aching.

To be just friends with someone you love for long is tearful. When the person you want to hug you is hugging another person, it feels you don't exist anymore in his world, but one thing you don't understand is you're still in pain. You wished to vanish, you wish to forget but another thing you can't escape when you learn to love is the fact that you are hurting.

The fact that you aren't love the way you want to be is like garden without flowers, it's lifeless. The fact that you give a smile to someone who can give that much of value is the fact that you are crying. The fact that you are giving happiness to someone you can't have is the fact that you are in sadness. The fact that you want them to stay strong in their relatinship is the fact that you are dying.

When love becomes insupportable, it becomes hard for one to bear alone.

Senpai now is aching for Vin's break down. The feeling of doing nothing while your lover is dying is torturing. He may now blaming himself for just crying instead of doing something. He can't help it but wish that day never came.

I'm here and he's there. It's been 3 days without Vin. He can't go where Vin was hospitalized because it's too far from school. Vin's condition was severe so he was referred to another hospital far from town. He blamed himself for knowing nothing. He blamed himself because he couldn't be there.

I want to go near to him, but it won't make him feel better. I want to confort him but it can't be of any help. Maybe this is selfish kind of me for not being on his side this time of his suffering, but I was suffering to. I was suffering because only Vin can save him from that. I was suffering because it's not my responsibility to wipe his tears. I was suffering because at this time I just become a stalker to someone I used to be with.

I want to comfort him and make him see that I was just here, but that's being selfish. I want to comfort him although he causes me pain too for making me feel this way. I want to comfort him and make him feel better to the way it feels like Vin, and that's why I'm hurting because I want it to feel like me, be me because it's me not Vin. But again that's selfish. I can't afford to be loved that way.

I should accept that I was just a lover never been loved. And maybe the hardest thing about dreaming someone you love is having to wake up.

We're both hurting. My pain is because of him and his pain is because of another person.

Sandy and Jack was with him this time. They're making Eijie somehow feel better but look at me. I'm such a selfish. I can't go with them because I'm afraid of myself to comfort him more than just friends. Yes, I still love him and that's what makes a gap between our distance.

I know Eijie is now holding a candle, a melting candle that hurts him too much and all that is left to him is burn.

I'm selfish that's why I'm hurting. I'm hurting because I am selfish.

I am selfish because I can't be with him. I can't be with him because I can't see him that way.

I can't see him that way because I just want to see him happy. I want to see him to be happy even if it's not me.

And even if it's not me, I will be happy.
And I will be happy though I'm sad.

I am selfish, right?