For The Next Thirty Seconds ✓

a not so great awakening

j a c k

I like meeting new people because they don't know. They don't know, so they won't treat me any differently. When they look at me, they don't see a sick boy. They see a skinny, gangly guy who's all arms and legs, and I'm okay with that. Because, sure, he's scrawny, but he's not sick. And that's better than the truth.

I like being that guy.

I was hoping I could be that guy with Lane. I mean, I guess I still can be. I could lie to her. But that feels wrong. I just really don't want her to know the truth. I don't want her to decide that I'm too fragile to show her around the city, or start talking to me differently, or start sneaking glances when she thinks I'm not looking. But I'm always looking. I always notice.

I can't get out of this. I know that. It's abundantly clear to me that I have to tell her something, with her walking right next to me, patiently waiting for my answer.

She did promise. That's what I have to remember. She promised she wouldn't think of me any differently, so I have to tell her. I have to.

"Four months ago, I, uh, ran away from home, I guess," I start, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. Lane nods, so I take that as my cue to keep talking. "I've been couch surfing or walking around all night or sleeping on park benches. I can't really be with my family right now. My mom and my sisters, they, um... they treat me different than they used to."

She looks up at me, not saying anything, but silently urging me to go on. I take a deep breath, then I do.

"They treat me differently because, uh... well, about, I don't know, a year ago, I started having... issues, I guess? Just, you know, shortness of breath and sometimes it felt like I was drowning. It kind of felt like I was having a panic attack all the time. Once it got really bad, and my mom took me to the hospital, and, uh... do you have any experience with cancer?"

She shakes her head, and when she speaks, her voice is really quiet. "No... my grandma had it when I was really little, but I don't remember much about it, other than... she died."

I blow a long breath out of pursed lips. Great. "Right, well... uh, when we got there, the doctors ran a bunch of tests on me, to try to figure out what was wrong, and they found out that, I, uh, have... cancer. Of the lungs. Small cell lung cancer. Um, by the time they found it, it had already become regionalized, which means, it, uh... spread outside my lungs, but, in the same general area. At that point they still held out hope, but, uh, for me it was always kind of bad. The overall life expectancy is only fourteen percent, you know? Mine turned to, um, sixteen, for five years, when they found that, but they tried to start treating me."

I let out another breath and glance down at Lane, who's been quiet throughout my storytelling so far. She still is, but her face is white and her arms are crossed over her chest, her hands gripping them so tightly that I think there will be marks on them by the time I'm finished. I quickly look away and continue my story.

"The, uh, the treatment wasn't working. I went back for a progress update about eight months ago, and they said that the cancer had spread to further parts of my body, which, you know, decreased my five-year survival rate more," I cough, trying to get the hoarseness out of my voice before I continue talking. The only thing less sexy than describing your impending death to a girl is having your voice crack on every other word. "It went from sixteen to six, but they said they would keep trying to fight it. But, a little over three months ago, they told me there was nothing they could do and I had, um, four months to live. So here I am."

I let out a dry chuckle, not letting myself look down at the girl beside me yet. I don't know if I want to see her reaction. I mean, we barely know each other, but when people find out about cancer, they always seem to just... turn into giant messes. They start telling you how sorry they are and that it's so sad and that you don't deserve this, and I just can't take that. Not from her.