The Disappointment Kid (Completed)

10

Henry and I were indeed going somewhere. Once the cat, a figurative one of course, was out of the bag, Henry stopped worrying about being seen with me. Trish and Sue, who had turned out to be pretty good friends to me, never pushing too hard but also never giving up on me, started to believe that Henry und I were actually an item.

"You're our best friend. BFFs tell each other everything. So, spill the beans. What is going on with you and Wentworth Miller IV?"

"He's my friend. That's it, nothing more, nothing less. I swear."

"You spend a hell of a lot of time with your 'friend'? We're your friends, too. Do you spend that much time with us? No! So, either there is more going on on the Miller front or we're not your friends. Which one is it?"

I laughed, but I must admit that they made me think. I spent nearly all my spare time with Henry. We clicked on every level except the physical. We touched a lot, even held hands, but it never went any further. Somehow, there was no chemistry. Whatever that meant. I had never really felt 'chemistry' between me and another human being, but my trusted friends had assured me it felt like butterflies in your stomach and a nearly uncontrollable ache to feel physical contact. Well, while I didn't mind the handholding and touching, I most definitely didn't feel any uncontrollable aches. And butterflies? Nope, not really. But what about Henry? Did he want more? Would I be able to give him what a woman is supposed to give a man? Would this destroy our friendship?

These thoughts really frightened me because Henry was my lifeline. Maybe that was unfair on him, and I would never have put that kind of pressure on him by telling him, but his presence in my life gave me the strength to get up in the morning and force myself to go through another day. When I was with Henry, I felt more connected, more in touch with myself and with reality. The fog would lift and things all of a sudden seemed to be much lighter. I didn't want to lose that. The thought that some sort of sexual tension in our relationship could possibly lead to its demise terrified me.

Other thoughts started to flood my brain then, too. What if Henry found a girlfriend? Someone other than me? It made me realise that this bond that we had, which felt strong and indestructible, was, in fact, fragile and easily torn in two.

I started to obsess over this whenever I was alone, especially in bed in the evenings. Insomnia, which had been haunting me just a little less in the last few weeks, returned with a vengeance.

Relentlessly, my thoughts would circle around the disappointment that I was, especially to my mother. I couldn't understand myself, no matter how hard I tried. All I needed to do to put things right was to lose some weight. Why in God's name was that so difficult? Surely, knowing that my mother's love, that general happiness was waiting for me if I managed to exercise just a little self-control was enough of an incentive to simply stop eating. A few lost kilos later and my mother would feel the same affection for me that she felt for Emma. It was that simple. I was absolutely sure of that.

Then I remembered Henry and my parents' attitude towards him. Did I even want to cease to be a disappointment to people whose moral code I deeply questioned? Whose naivety I found ridiculous? Neither my woman-of-the-world mother nor my lawyer father had for one second doubted that I had actually 'finished' with Henry. Instead they lapped up all the lies and cover stories I fed them like a bunch of starving street dogs.

But the heaviest thought would invariably be Henry with another girl. Where would that leave me? He was really all I had. Trish and Sue were nice and all that, but I didn't feel the same connection to them that I felt I had with Henry. A connection which pulled me back from the brink every day, connection to another soul that filled me with hope and sometimes even with joy. I could not lose that.