Party Love

Chapter 4 - What A Mess

"Because God damn it, I'm scared, Lucas! I'm fucking scared!" I yelled

"You don't think I'm scared? God damn, I've been scared, I am scared!" He yelled back.

    Our subtle talk had turn into tears and rage. I was just so angry, I couldn't stop. I had started a war, a war I couldn't possible win. I realized that I do, indeed, feel for Lucas. However, letting a relationship bloom when I know its going to blow up in our faces is selfish. I know I'll hurt Luke, and I can't just go about dragging him down with me. I'm a black hole, swallowing people whole.

"I don't want to fight," I told him. "I'm tired of fighting."

"Oh, I'd fuckin' bet." He growled, turning his back to me.

"Now that makes me angry. I want to sit you down and talk because now I know what the hell I want and why I want it, but you're insistent upon fucking fighting!"

"Oh, tell me what you want? Go ahead, lay it on me, Princess! Tell me what you want so I can bend over backwards trying to make it happen, again."

    Oh, I was beyond angry now. He was just adding more and more wood to my fire, and soon enough, I was going to flare up. Of course, after the flare up came the burn out, and that was never any fun. I need to calm down, way down.

"Focus on breathing, calm down, Carm." I whispered to myself.

    Lucas heard me, and his muscles flexed. He turned around slowly, ever so slowly. When my eyes met his, he looked defeated. He looked like a small boy being chastised by his mother. He sighed loudly, then closed his eyes. He was hurt. By what? Probably me. We hadn't even started and I was already hurting him.

    He squatted down to where I had sunken to to floor, and I had to suck in a breath when his hand made contact with my knee.

"I'm sorry," he said. I met his deep blue orbs and they were filled with shame. "I get worked up about things easily, especially you."

He waited, like he always does, for me to continue. When I didn't, he did.

"I know you're a mess, Carmen. I know you spend days with out being sober. I know that when you are sober, you wish not to be. I know you cry at night, that you hate being alone. I know all of your secrets, I have for years. I've taken care of you for days on end, hangovers, relapses, problems at home, I've been there.

"Maybe you're a challenge, maybe you'll take work. In fact, I know you will. But who cares? I know what I want, and I will work until I get it. Now, if you'd stop crying" He paused to wipe my tears that I hadn't realized I had shed away, "and let me into that pretty little head of yours, we can work this out.  I know you said no, and that no means no.. But I see it, Carm. I know you feel the way I feel, I can see it."

    He was still squatted down in his kitchen floor, hand over my knee, eggs in his hair. Here he is, in all of his glory, making sure that a strung out mess was okay. He wanted me, and he was going to fight for me because he knows I want him too. What a mess we both were.

"Whatcha smiling about?" He asked, his own smile playing at his lips.

"You." I said, letting a small laugh out. "You've got eggs in your hair and we're fighting in the kitchen because you love me and I'm too scared to hurt you."

    I quickly put my hand over my mouth, I hadn't meant to say that. It was supposed to come out another way, fuck. I looked up at Luke, and there he was, smiling.

"What are you smiling about?" I mocked, and he laughed.

"You." I shoved his shoulder lightly, then made a move to stand up. Instead, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down right on top of him.

"You've got eggs in your hair and we're laying on my kichen floor after fighting. I'm in love with you, and you may hurt me, but even if it was just for a few minutes, being with you would be worth it." He whispered in my ear, all in one breath. "We're a mess, Carm, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I want this, I want us."

___________

    Lana had been awake on and off for a few hours, but she hadn't moved in quite some time. I was genuinely worried and definitely very, very, very guilty for the hangover she was now suffering through. She didn't touch her breakfast and I didn't blame her, it was a fiasco. The eggs were scarce, as most had landed all over the floor and ended up being thrown about the kitchen. The toast was burnt, having been left in the toaster for far too long. The bacon was nearly burnt, but still edible. The bacon had no excuse for being that way, just Luke's cooking incapabilities.

    Luke. Just the thought of him had me smiling up a storm. Him throwing eggs at me after me childishly beginning a war I couldn't win. Him smiling at four in the morning. Him kissing my tears away after hard nights. Him picking me up in his oversized SUV when I was in trouble. Him wanting me. His chest vibrating with his even breaths, sleeping beneath me right this very moment.

    We were a mess, destined for destruction. However, I couldn't find it in me to pull away. I didn't want to, all I wanted was to be good enough for him, not to hurt him. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could be good. 

    My sarcastic laugh had shook a sleeping Luke, and I covered my mouth. He tightened his arms around me, and by change in his breathing, I could tell he was awake.

    I couldn't be good, I was me. I was a mess, and he knows it. He knows that I'm a candle burning from both ends, drowning in my own self destruction. He knows it and if I don't push him away, he'll drown with me.

    Sighing, I rolled out of his arms. I knew I couldn't sneak away, he's awake.

    He didn't move, he didn't open his eyes. I thought my sudden decision to move would anger him, but it didn't. Instead, the craziest thing came from between his full lips.

"Move in with me, Carm." He said, sleep still thick in his voice.

    I froze, I was so incredibly caught off guard. I expected anger, silence, maybe even rage. Never did I expect him to play that card. Move in with him? That's crazy! This is all moving much too quickly for me, that's for sure.

He chuckled, still not opening his eyes or moving in the slightest. "Too soon, eh?" A smile graced his lips and soon, I was lost in him again. 

    This boy was crazy. He had confessed his love, made me breakfast, caused an anxiety attack, had Lana's puke on his chest, and asked  me to move in with him, all in one day. One single day. My head was a mess, as it usually was, but today was worse. He was moving too fast.

"Too soon, Luke. I don't want to mess it up, and I know I'm going to. I'm so scared of you, of me, of us. All I want is you, but I want time. I want to take things slow, to experience them in full. I don't want to just rush into things because we've been friends for six, going on seven, years. I want to do it right."

    Scared, that's all I was. Scared of his reply, scared of this relationship, scared of going out of my comfort zone. I was a hypocrit. I always push people to their limits, to try new things.. Yet, here I am scared of a lifelong friend.

"I respect that." He smiled, opening his eyes and walking towards me. "I want to do this right too, and if slow is what you want, slow is what you get."

    His smile grew, and then he was leaning into me. Hands slowly, agonizingly slowly, making their way around my waist. His lips were taking centuries to find mine, it was killing me. I sighed loudly before pulling him to me quickly. Even while kissing me, he was slow. Slow and careful, calculating every move several times before making it. When his tongue found mine, I welcomed it with open arms.

Shit.